Misery Loves Company (Part I).
Is it just the ‘Law of Attraction’ or is there more to it?
Do you ever notice that when you’re in a bad mood, you seem to be a magnet for more bad associations throughout that day; you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, then you spill your coffee on your dress shirt, then someone cuts you off on the drive to work, and you just seem to come across every facet of unlucky, less than ideal scenarios. Whereas, if you’re feeling great and like a ray of sunshine, you seem to attract more positivity; you smile at the customer service person, then you board the plane to find that you have an empty row to yourself, subsequently your flight is early, and there is no traffic on the way to your destination. They say “where focus goes energy flows”, but what’s really happening in that?
I recently witnessed someone in my life making self-destructive choices and choosing to associate himself with someone in an even “lower” energy state than he was. Perhaps this was a way to justify his poor choices, but he simultaneously chose to distance himself from sincere, integrity-rich, growth-minded and positive family members and community. This scenario and the famous saying “misery loves company” got me thinking, is it simply that ‘like attracts like’ as the ‘Law of Attraction’ identifies? Do we naturally attract situations and people that match our own vibration (our state, energy, ‘emotional home’, or even our mission, goals and values)? Or is there more to it?
Misery is defined as a cause or source of great distress or discomfort (reminder: “pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice”). The famous proverb “misery loves company” was originally spoken by the demon Mephastophilis in the play “The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus” by Christopher Marlow in the 16th century, who said “Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris”, which roughly translates to “It is a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe”. Simplified to “misery loves company”.
The play depicts a man who was prepared to give up all hope by signing a pact with the devil in exchange for 24 years of living with his desires being fulfilled. The quote is from the lips of Mephistophilis, the devil’s agent, in answer to the question about ‘why Satan seeks to enlarge his kingdom’. The phrase suggests to mean that those who are unhappy seek to make others unhappy too. But I suspect it is not that the miserable person enjoys the company of other miserable people, but rather that the abstract state of misery enjoys the company of its own kind — more misery. Hence, like attracts like.
I am also inclined to believe that those in a miserable, melancholy or saddened state are longing to feel empathy versus sympathy or pity (see Brené Brown’s distinction between empathy and sympathy). Perhaps they believe their state can only truly be understood or relatable to those who are in a similar emotional state as they are. Thinking, “How could a happy or well-resourced person possibly understand what I am going through?”.
Not long ago, two family members at different times said to me “you don’t experience bad days or down emotions,” and “you can’t possibly understand my childhood trauma because you didn’t experience something as severe”. I found this incredibly intriguing. Is that valid that because I don’t live in a state of depression or low energy, I’m not capable of experiencing down or bad moments? Or that because I choose to look at my childhood as blessed and positive overall, that I never experienced “trauma”?
My hallucination is that in their opinions, only if I was perceived to be in an equally negative state for prolonged periods of time, or only if I experienced comparable trauma, would I be able to empathize with or relate to their emotional states and journeys. Is that really true? Isn’t it possible that we all experience negative emotions, but some of us choose to stay in those emotions and turn it into the trauma of reliving it daily, while others choose to find the higher meaning and respond with a positive outlook. Luck surely plays a large role in life, but doesn’t it all come down to our perception of our experiences (reminder: we don’t experience life, we experience the meanings we use to interpret our life)?
Psychologists suggest that the two causes of misery are (1) excessive desire for what you don’t have, and (2) lack of appreciation for what you already have. Psychologically, misery simply comes down to one’s own perception of life (reminder: trade your expectations for appreciation and your life will change in a heartbeat). So misery is just when someone’s expectations of how their life should be doesn’t match their reality, as we touched on in our previous post Embracing Uncertainty.
I also suspect when someone is feeling down it’s more comfortable to be around those feeling similarly down, because there is familiarity in the lower energy. An emotional comfort zone. There is also peace knowing that that equally down person, won’t try to pull one out of the misery, because they’ll likely want to wallow in it together. As mentioned in Surround Yourself With People Who Will Celebrate You!, it is also not always easy to surround yourself with those that will challenge you to level-up, because they won’t let you off the hook when you’re feeling complacent. These celebratory folks will keep challenging you to continue to grow and evolve, for “Only the mediocre are always at their best”, said Jean Giraudoux. When someone’s maximum is the required minimum, they want to surround themselves with those who have a similar view, so they won’t be forced to raise their standards emotionally or otherwise.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the second half of this post (Part II)…
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