A Queer Family’s Experience of School Lockdown After the UVA Shooting
There’s no protocol for parents during a lockdown.
The fatal shooting at the University of Virginia was on Monday, when shelter in place was ordered for several hours and schools were closed. The next day, Tuesday, my child was back at school, and a text came through from a friend on a group feed.
“Do any of you have info on the lockdown?”
Someone responded, “No, just that it is happening.”
I stared at my phone. There’s no protocol for parents during a lockdown. If I went to the school would I be in the way? Previous lockdowns at other Charlottesville schools this year had been discovered to be hoaxes. I couldn’t decide what to do. My thoughts were with my child. Fifteen minutes later I received a recorded call from the school saying the lockdown was over. In case friends in the group hadn’t heard it, I texted, “Building is cleared. Lockdown lifted.”
A friend texted that she wished she knew more about why it had happened.
My phone rang. It was my child’s teacher calling to say my child wanted to talk to me. I asked the teacher how he was. I was still shocked and don’t remember exactly what he said. He said something about how the children followed directions perfectly. I understood it was his way of saying they had gotten through and done what they could do.
What can you do when your only option is to hide in a classroom and wait? What can you do when you are a parent waiting to hear if your child is safe? What are the metrics for a successful lockdown? No one was killed. There was never a shooter in the building. Those are important facts. It doesn’t make the fear any less real.
The relief I felt that everyone was okay made me start to cry. I told the teacher to take care of himself and tried to steady my voice. My child got on the phone. Zer voice was shaking and ze was talking fast. I just let zer talk. They had all been sent into the classroom and were told that it was a lockdown. Ze said they heard voices in the hallway and beeping noises. The students didn’t know it was the police. My child and a friend had sat on the floor and held each other and cried.
I told my child that ze had done the right things and that it was okay to cry. The friend had already been picked up by their mother. I told my child that I would come pick zer up. I texted the friend’s mom. In her reply she said, “This is all so much.”
At the school there was a teacher holding an umbrella and a radio. It was raining. There was a steady flow of students leaving with their parents. I saw another mom who I don’t know well. I said hello. Neither of us seemed to know what to say. In the front office the staff didn’t ask why I was there. The sign-out sheet includes a column marked “reason for leaving.” I saw the same word repeated, “home.” I filled in my child’s name and added, “home,” to the list. No wrote “lockdown” or “hoax active shooter.” When my child arrived in the office I said, “Hi,” like it was a normal thing. My child had potentially been in lethal danger. What do you say?
On the sidewalk, my child said, “I’m glad you’re here.”
Then I started crying and pulled zer to my side.
My child said, “They told us that it was a lockdown but they didn’t say it was a drill.”
I said, “No, it wasn’t a drill.”
We went home. I made tea. We sat on the couch. My child started talking again. The teacher had asked them all to be quiet. Ze and zer friend had held each other and cried. Ze heard a child say they didn’t want to die. They had all heard voices and noises in the hallway. Ze had been very scared. My child said afterward ze heard a teacher saying she had run into the office because the classrooms were closed. She couldn’t stay in the hallway and hadn’t known where to go.
I held my child while ze cried. I said it had been the police in the hallway but the kids didn’t know that. I repeated what the teacher had said about everyone following directions. I kept reminding my child that ze was safe now and I wanted my child to know that ze had done all ze could do.
Without gun legislation what are the choices? If legal protections were in place a potential shooter couldn’t be in possession of a gun. You can’t pull a trigger if there’s no trigger to pull. Lives could be lived instead of lost.
I thought of the teacher in the hallway after the classroom had been closed. I thought of my child and zer friend holding onto each other crying. I thought of my child’s teacher who had to protect the lives of his students. I thought of myself holding my phone instead of rushing to the school. Next time I’ll go. Maybe there won’t be a next time, but I’m not so sure.
