A Trans Woman’s Journey to Overcome Touch Aversion
More than anything, I just want to be held
Touch is complicated.
Skin against skin, regardless of context, can be a loaded event. The intimacy found in a hug, a comforting hand placed against the arm or leg, or merely sitting near one another, be it from friend or lover: I’m still not used to it.
During the winter, I went out to dinner with some friends (five in total), most of whom are on the large and tall side — I’m the second smallest by a fair margin. Anytime we all go out, we end up having to pile into a tight squeeze in the car.
Space? Leg room? Maneuverability? All of these are foreign concepts when we’re together.
On this day, we ended up at a restaurant with wide bench seats. Here, I kept a purposeful distance between me and my friend’s partner, who I was still getting to know better — since then, we’ve become great friends ourselves.
“They’re not going to bite you,” my friend laughed, urging me to come a little closer.
“It’s ok to come closer,” his partner continued.
I knew he wasn’t wrong — of course I wouldn’t get bitten for being physically close to someone. I even had express permission now, a merciful removal of my typical uncertainty.
