Alzheimer’s: A Love Story — Chapter One of Four
The Joys, the sorrows, and the gifts of dementia
Chapter One of Four
In this chapter you get to meet Gregory and Michael, understand the time context of their story, read about how Gregory and Michael first met, and witness their receiving of Gregory’s diagnosis of Dementia, most likely Alzheimer’s .
FLASH BACK TO THE BEGINNING:
Gregory and I met some 40 years ago when I was 30 and he was 27. It was during the 70’s. The time of President Nixon, the Vietnam War, a decade of pivotal change in world history focusing especially on economic upheavals. In the United States, social progressive values took front stage with increasing political awareness in general and political and economic liberty of women in particular.
It was the time of the ERA, Equal Rights Amendment, which was first introduced as early as 1923. It passed both houses in 1972, but never succeeded in passing enough state legislatures to become an amendment.
In Chicago there were a number of groups of men who attended meetings under the umbrella name of “The Men’s Gathering,” whose purpose was to support and facilitate awareness for its members. Men were seeking to be better people, especially in relation to women and their fight for equal rights. The group of 20 or so men to which Gregory and I belonged included young, old, gay, straight, and multi-racial men. We met in people’s homes on Monday nights.
Gregory was a bisexual man, recently moved to Chicago with his wife of seven years. He had a male lover in Boston. He was a “stay at home husband” trying to become a writer, and he was thirsting for contact with other people, men, who had similar interests.
I was a homosexual man, lifelong resident of Chicago, living with my same-sex partner, having our 13 year relationship break up as we grew apart, and teaching elementary school in a Chicago suburb.
Gregory had attended several Gathering meetings before the first one I attended. I was there a little before the meeting began. I can close my eyes and picture exactly what Gregory looked like when he walked into the room. Kaki slacks, a navy blue Lacoste shirt, a wide brown leather belt, Docksiders without sox. It was “lust at first sight.” Gregory reports that he experienced the same lust at first sight when he saw me across the room in my tight blue jeans, flannel shirt, tennis shoes.
FLASH FORWARD FOR A MOMENT — THE DIAGNOSIS:
As I am telling you this story I reflect on my being a storyteller and being told I am pretty good at it. I tell not only my stories now, but I also tell Gregory’s stories. After 41 years of being together I know his stories as well as I know my own.
I have always loved writing but I began being able to call myself a writer with Gregory’s Dementia/Alzheimer’s diagnosis which we received in 2004. Gregory and I built our love, our relationship; on communication, trust, respect, and negotiation. When I could no longer discuss things with Gregory because “understanding” was no longer available to him, I turned to my computer. Writing helped me process our life and come to some kind of closure. When we ran into an interaction bump, writing helped me deal with my frustration, confusion, anger.
My perceptions of what was happening to us were not the same as his perceptions and it served no purpose in trying to convince him, so I turned to writing. Over the years, I self-published several books of poetry, maintained three now inactive blogs (one of which is about Alzheimer’s Disease,) have self-published with “GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer’s Love Story — The Joys, The Sorrows, and the Gifts of Dementia”, and we were featured in 2015 in a 15 minute documentary created by a group of students from Chapman University, Dodge School of Media Arts, in a project called Community Voices.
The documentary went on to receive acceptance at 90+ local, national, and international film festivals, and won 35+ awards including two from the prestigious Cannes Film Festival, American Pavillion.
You can find links to my various projects at http://www.horvich.com
FLASH BACK TO OUR FIRST MEETING — THE MEN’S GATHERING
During the 70’s, besides woman’s rights, we were also witnessing a growth in Gay Rights. The Stonewall Riots took place in 1969, Gays chanted WE WILL NEVER GO BACK INTO THE CLOSET, and the rainbow flag icon was adopted by the gay and lesbian community.
It was a time of sexual freedom, not only for gay men and woman but for everyone who was at all sexual. People would go to the bars for the main purpose of hooking up for a one night stand. It was pre-AIDS and a lot of younger people were pretty promiscuous. I am not using that term in a pejorative way but rather descriptive. Also, monogamy was not important to many of us.
Gregory and I were already in other relationships, but over a year of attending The Men’s Gathering, we were getting to know and to fall in love with each other. While everyone seemed to be hopping in and out of bed, and even though our first sighting of each other was one of lust, we courted for a year before consummating our relationship. Over time, Gregory and his wife parted, my lover and I parted, and Gregory and I dated for another year before moving in with each other and making a commitment of our love.
For 30 years our life and our love continued to develop and grow. We both continued to grow on our individual paths as well as on parallel paths. We had our own interests and joint interests. We had our own friends and joint friends. We got to know and love each other’s families.
Our relationship had roles but not based on “who was the wife and who was the husband.” In those days the heterosexual male/female, husband/wife roles were very clearly defined and followed. Homosexual couples tried to fit those roles as well. Gregory and I, on the other hand, did not define the roles but rather the tasks. He liked to cook, I didn’t mind doing the grocery shopping. I liked to clean, he liked to rearrange the furniture. He did the bills, I did the taxes.
During our forty one years we often re-negotiated and changed roles. At one point as Gregory was changing jobs and trying to find a career, I supported him. At another point when I was trying to “find myself,” I explored Mexico for two months while he supported me. At one point Gregory decided to finish his internship and license tests to become an architect and at another I left teaching to work on my doctorate.
Our love continued to grow, we were each other’s best friends, and at times worst critics. We always supported each other with love, respect, and emotional understanding. Communication was the bedrock of our relationship. We traveled, loved each other, loved our families and friends, lived our lives to the fullest, continued to grow and experience life on many fronts.
Little did we know that soon, uninvited, Dementia/Alzheimer’s Disease would join, shape, and disrupt our family.
Meanwhile visit my site to take a peek at all of my projects: http://www.horvich.com
