TRUTH: I FEEL LONELY EVEN INSIDE MY CHOSEN QUEER COMMUNITIES
As a Gay Christian, I Have No Place To Call Home
I never found my tribe
Aside from my own home, I’ve never found a place where I felt completely comfortable. I even wrote a book about it. For the first 30 years, I wasn’t accepted in my church because I was gay. Some congregations started becoming more open to gays, and I also found some gay groups within my church.
After I came out in my church, I was unable to come out in gay groups as someone who regularly attended church. Because of the experiences of many gays, they were openly hostile to the church and refused to even discuss it. I was an “outsider” again.
My straight friends know I’m gay, and my gay friends know I consider myself a Christian. But at times, I feel I’m simply tolerated and not really accepted. Most of that is my fault because I lost so much of my self-confidence growing up. I faced discrimination on both side of the wall, so I withdrew into my shell and fantasy life.
I’ve lived alone most of my adult life, and at times I’ve felt painfully lonely. I was too absorbed with my problems to reach out to others or to volunteer to serve. I was too selfish, and my mindset was on me. I’ve joked to people that my interests were a mile wide and an inch deep. That attitude makes it hard to fit in with a group even when you have mutual interests.
As I have engaged in meditation practice, I have become more accepting of myself and less tense. I am more relaxed in a group and don’t project such a distant personality. I used to turn off people simply because of my negativity. I have achieved more of a positive sense of self-worth. I couldn’t love others if I didn’t love myself. I have become more engaged in the real world rather than the fantasy world.
I guess that some of this change is simply becoming more mature as the result of a wide variety of life experiences. I’ve known failures and grown beyond them. I had vague, unrealistic goals and lacked a true sense of purpose. I didn’t have a career goal, so work didn’t provide a purpose for me. It simply was a way to pay the bills. My circumstances were unsettled even though I got stuck in a dead-end job for 20 years. I didn’t feel fulfilled either in my personal or professional life.
My relationships were strained by me and by my circumstances. I guess I never really made that strong a commitment. I had two partners and several long-term friendships, but most of them have died. It is hard to make new friends as you age. My therapist keeps encouraging me to find a purpose for my remaining years, but I guess I just want to remain independent.
I made a dramatic change when I was forced into early retirement. I moved across the country again, and fell flat on my face. I had done that in the past, so the pain was familiar. I was excited to be in a big city again, but circumstances again forced another change. I wanted to be in control, but none of us really is. Life happens, and we adapt to it or die.
I’ve settled in one place for 26 years, the longest period in my life. I’m content in Raleigh. It’s two hours from the beach and three hours from the mountains. It’s just right — not too big and not too small.
I have access to many cultural opportunities, and the cost of living is reasonable compared with the big cities like Dallas and Washington, DC. I’m a retiree living on a fixed income, so I can’t travel like I used to do. I have 16,000 photos to refresh my memories.
That’s the story of my journey into myself.
This story was written in response to this Prism & Pen Prompt:
You can read more incredible responses to the prompt here:
