Coming Out as a Straight-Leaning Bisexual Man
Finding my own reasons
Coming out, for anyone who identifies as LGBT, can be a difficult decision, especially for those who have kept their secret successfully for a long time.
As a straight-leaning, late-discovered bisexual, you could say I’ve been successful. Even I thought I was completely heterosexual until a few years ago. And even now, maintaining that identity is not a problem. I’m married to a woman, have never cheated, and don’t intend to. I love my wife. I’ve gotten along fine as a straight man so far. My same-sex attraction, in practical terms, has mostly just added variety to masturbation. It’s all private, and no one ever need know.
Still, I would like to come out as bisexual to my wife and kids at least, and possibly more people if it seems appropriate.
I can imagine right now you might be asking why I would want to do that. I mean, it wouldn’t change anything. In every way that’s anyone else’s business, I might as well be straight, and I don’t intend to change any of those things. Why risk damaging my personal relationships if there’s nothing to be gained?
It’s a fair question, and I ask it myself. It’s actually on my mind quite a bit.
That question is what makes me and possibly others like me reluctant to come out as bisexual. Not just because I ask that question now, but because I worry it will be on other people’s minds when they know. Are they going to accept my coming out at face value, or are they going to read something more into it? Why admit to attractions I only indulge privately and vicariously? Why do that if I don’t want anything to change? That’s why people come out, isn’t it?
That question is both the reason I hesitate and the reason I must follow through.
Coming out later in life is hard, so the stories you hear are of people with strong motivation. People who just can’t hide anymore. People who need things to change. But that’s not me, and I don’t want anyone to assume my motivations must be that serious. I mostly want things to stay the same, so it’s easier for me to just carry on as a straight man with a secret.
And as long as bisexuals like me continue to do that, maintaining the status quo will always be the easier thing to do. Coming out will always seem like too big a move, unless more of us can find our own motivations and tell our own stories.
People need to know that there are other reasons for coming out. We shouldn't assume that everyone who reveals an attraction to the same sex intends to explore same-sex relationships. That's not what I want.
You know what I want? I want to be able to agree with my wife if she comments that some actor in a movie is hot, rather than quietly biting my lip. I want to be able to talk to her about this. I want to be myself.
And I want to be honest. It doesn't feel right to publicly call myself an ally to the LGBT community, when I know I'm really represented by one of those letters, but I'm afraid to tell anybody I know.
But most of all, while this isn’t a major secret for me on its own, it’s one more in a list of things I’m tired of keeping to myself. As an autistic person, I’ve spent a lifetime suppressing behaviours that might invite stares, disapproving looks or ridicule. I only learned less than a decade ago that it is autism, after growing up confused, sometimes worried about my sanity, but afraid to talk to anyone about it.
I’ve spent years holding back about things that deeply interest me, because other people usually considered them silly, boring, weird or just too hard to understand. They didn’t like it when I talked endlessly about my passions, so I mostly kept them to myself.
As a fetishist, I didn't need to be bisexual to spend years secretly satisfying an unconventional desire, while worrying about what people would think if they knew.
I’ve opened up about my autism, and I’ve learned that the people I know are not only more understanding and supportive than I ever expected, but some of them are more like me than I ever knew. I’ve even been a little less guarded about the fetish, but that’s much harder. I’ve started to unburden myself of a lifetime of shame, and it is hopefully encouraging others who are like me to do the same. It feels good. Bisexuality, for me, is no different, and even if I gain nothing from revealing it, hiding it feels like I’m going backward.
So I want to come out.
My reasons might be different from the classic coming-out story, but they’re also kind of the same. I am tired of hiding. It’s just that I’ve been hiding so much more than bisexuality for so much longer. And I do need something to change, but the thing I most need to change is me.
I guess my motivation is pretty strong after all. I just need to work on my courage.
