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LGBTQ+ Perspectives
Do All Trans Men Have Toxic Masculinity to Overcome?
I feel an obligation to learn how to embody positive masculinity, but that’s a learning process
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the Twilight Zone.
I’m a trans man married to a trans woman. Each of us watched the other transition. This reality produces some weird situations. Sometimes, we have the exact same conversations having reversed roles years later.
Recently, I explained an aspect of my wife’s job to her in embarrassing detail, knowing full well that she has a doctorate and over a decade of experience in her field.
She reacted verbatim exactly the same way I reacted when she explained part of my job to me ten years prior. She put on the kind of breathy California valley girl accent you only hear in movies. Each word was dripping with sarcasm as she said, “Tell me more! I don’t know anything about that.”
“I’m mansplaining again, aren’t I?” My face barely even turned red this time. This conversation is about as common as it was 10 years ago in reverse…diminishing but still present.
She nodded. “You’re really leaning into that male privilege today, honey. Keep going and you’ll probably get a promotion at work.” Thankfully, she keeps me honest by calling me out when I need it.
I deepened my voice and spoke very slowly with authority, making fun of myself with extra hand gestures to punctuate every word, “Did you also know that when it rains, the water goes downward toward the earth from the sky? It’s because of this brand-new thing I discovered called gravity.” My wife rolled her eyes and tilted her head slightly, waiting for me to own up to what I was doing.
“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing I couldn’t joke my way out of this or go hide under some boxes in a closet until my toxic masculinity magically resolved itself for me. “Thank you for letting me know.” It’s not easy to point out problematic behavior, so I try to show some gratitude when it happens.
My wife nodded. She’s empathetic because she has literally been there. We moved on with the conversation while I made a firm mental note to seriously stop doing…
