Embracing the Present of a New Lesbian Love
Navigating life after a break-up
It has been two years since my partner of seven years and I broke up. In those two years, I went through the whole process and the entire spectrum of emotions associated with the end of a relationship: disappointment, anger, hurt, depression, pain and even grief. I have ceased trying to pinpoint what went wrong and where we went wrong. I am done being angry at myself for allowing her to undermine me during our time together. I have accepted the fact that the life we meticulously planned is no longer mine to lead.
In those two years, I have also moved on to the next chapter of my life … with another.
As much as I have moved on from my past, I long for the kind of life I once lived with my ex-girlfriend. Please allow me to clarify that. I do NOT want her back… but I do want the kind of life I had with her. The routine and the mundane of life. I hope for the same rhythm and familiarity with my new relationship. We functioned well together like a well-oiled machine, relishing each other’s company and conversation until we didn’t. The fear of being alone never gripped me because I was never alone. I was never scared of the notion of being sick or getting lost because I knew she’d either be by my side or come searching for me, even if it were a hundred miles away. I could rely on her the same way she could rely on me because our relationship was defined that way.
I am not complaining about my girlfriend now. She is perfect in every way. I have yet to encounter a kinder soul. Her gentle words and genuine care for my well-being are unparalleled. I can list down all the things I love about her and why I love her.
But this is not about expressing the wonderful things about her and my reasons for affection. It’s about recognizing her as an individual, respecting her autonomy, and appreciating her pursuit of what she loves to do and her passions… which often takes A LOT of her time away from me. There are countless times I wish we can just crash on my couch, watch a movie at home on weekends or have date nights on a Friday when everyone is out or do anything spontaneous or random on weekdays… but we can’t, because she isn’t home. These desires are thwarted by her absence.
It’s a peculiar paradox, really. Feeling alone when I have someone who cares for me and whom I love. I find myself grappling with loneliness a lot of times. I try my best to fill those days with things I can do. Be with friends, family, work, work-out, go biking, see friends, dine out, you name it. I know I also need a new hobby.
A friend once told me that perhaps this loneliness isn’t about her absence but a part of my personal journey towards self-discovery.
I recognize that I’ve clung onto the familiarity of a shared life. I crave the comfort of routine and companionship. It’s about time I don’t. I need to find joy in being alone.
I need to learn to acknowledge that supporting someone in pursuit of their own passions is an expression of love in itself. It is something to be celebrated rather than feared. I should stop pining for what I once had with someone else, and appreciate the uniqueness of my relationship now… it’s about enjoying the journey together, embracing uncertainty, and finding contentment in supporting each other’s passions, even if it leads us on different paths.
Life is a complex dance of letting go and moving forward, of reconciling the past with the present. While the past shapes us, it shouldn’t define us.
In this journey of self-discovery, I need to learn to find happiness in being alone and not feel lonely. To savor the peace and freedom it brings. Perhaps that is the most profound lesson of all.
