Emotional Color — What Changed When I Transitioned?
January 4, 2024. 10:00AM Pacific Standard Time.
I was feeling nervous when I picked up the small greenish-blue pill, Estradiol 2mg. Take one by mouth daily.
How would my life change? My relationships? My self-esteem? I’d done plenty of reading, but knowing something intuitively is far from actually living it.
To my dismay I didn’t wake up a fully cis woman on January 5. In fact, I didn’t feel very different at all.
January led to February, as it does, and then to March. My doctor increased my dosage to 4mg per day. I started noticing a pain in my chest and maybe a slight bit of lumpiness.
Around this time I started noticing something else. For the first 59 years of my life, I was handed a script titled “man”, and the producers and directors would yell “cut” and reset the scene every time I went off-script. I phrase it humorously, but the reality was my father signing me up for football because I seemed effeminate. (I didn’t last the summer.) It was bullies beating the shit out of me and calling me a fag. It was the girls and young women I tried to socialize with telling me to go away, this is girl time and boys aren’t welcome.
