Finally Free to Decide on My Journey as a Trans Woman?
So many thoughts
A good friend who is one of the few who knows that I am a trans woman recently asked me why my last post on Medium was a long time ago. Why I don’t write anything anymore.
I was surprised and delighted. Because his question means he cares about me, or at least that he is concerned.
After that, I sat down and thought. Why don’t I write anything?
Honestly, I don’t see the point of constantly writing something or making it up as I go along. I have to be moved by something, and then the words will come.
And today is the day. The words are coming. The topic is something that my psychotherapist initiated.
I am starting my journey into another world right now, supported by a person who really wants to help me. She will explore with me where exactly to go and how we — or I — can do it.
It has been many days since I realised that I am not this guy I pretend to be to so many people. And with such perfection that no one would ever suspect anything. This perfection is fading. Very consciously. I’m tired of playing a fake person so perfectly. I only do it now when it’s somehow necessary.
So, where is the journey going?
That question is still up in the air and there are several answers. There are also what-if situations that are not up for discussion. But let’s take a look at it.
If I were single, I would immediately set everything in motion — and I would have done it earlier. And that’s where I want the whole gamut. From hormone therapy to laser treatment to removal of the Adam’s apple, gender-reassignment surgery and voice therapy. Have I forgotten anything? Oh yes, maybe I still need a teacher to teach me correct manners and the right gait. I want to fit in 100%.
I’m not single, I’m married, I have 2 kids, I have a great job, an expensive house, precious friends. What do I do with it? I’m thinking along these lines: hormone therapy. I never want to rule that out. And apart from that? We’ll see. Because if I ever find the strength to come out to my wife, who knows what will be possible. I would, however, accept to continue to present myself as a man to the outside world. It’s not a great solution, but maybe one that works for everyone. That way I don’t lose the people who are most important to me.
What am I thinking about?
I am now doing 6 months of psychotherapy, almost secretly. After that — if everything goes well — I will be officially classified as a trans person in Germany and can take further steps. This procedure may be annoying, but do you know how I see it? I’ve never been more motivated than lately. These 6 months are the key to happiness for me, no matter what I end up doing. If in the end it says that I am what I have long known I am, I can do anything with it and perhaps steer my life in a direction that is not so often fraught with suicidal thoughts for me personally. Sorry, but that’s the case.
I’m excited to see how this goes. Weekly appointments, slowly but surely finding a way, maybe becoming happier that way too. Who knows? No one has ever helped me on this level and now the time has finally come.
I’m writing this in a good mood right now, hopeful.
It may all backfire, as I am once again deceiving my wife and lying to her. I am lying to her about who I really am. I don’t tell her what I do. I am hurting her and she doesn’t even know it.
I knew at the end of last year that 2022 was somehow going to be my year. I didn’t know in what way though. It can either go better than I often think or it can go worse. Or it could go as badly as I expect. And it’s always connected to the fact that I might still come out to my family this year.
Who am I?
A woman with male characteristics. A woman with a male body. A woman at heart, a loving dad. I am so many things. But there is one thing I am most definitely not. This man I was for almost 40 years now. It’s time to shed that.