Member-only story
Softness, presence, and honesty — that’s my kind of manhood.
Finding My Definition of Manhood as a Gay Man
Unravelling old stories and embracing vulnerability.
I’m gay, so you’d think I’d be comfortable with men. But the truth is, I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I was always on the outside, never quite fitting into the image of a “real man” I grew up with: tough, stoic, and straight.
I was raised in a small town where men were expected to be rough around the edges, their emotions hidden beneath weathered faces and calloused hands. I watched them, these men who laughed too loud and never flinched, and I told myself I wasn’t one of them. Early on, I learned to perform a kind of masculinity that wasn’t mine. I tucked away my softness and sensitivity, letting my voice get small in the presence of their certainty. I told myself that was just how things had to be.
A Different Kind of Connection
For years, the only way I knew how to connect with other men was through sex: quick, fleeting moments of closeness that never touched the heart. It felt easier, less risky, less vulnerable. But it also felt empty.
Over the last few years, I’ve realised how deeply unfulfilling that was. I craved more…
