Five Unexpected Things I Experienced on HRT in my Transgender Life
Gender euphoria, its impact on my mental health, and how other people treat me
Before I started taking testosterone, I did a lot of research on what kinds of changes I could expect. Nothing could prepare me for the reality of what I experienced. I fixated on the physical changes, but my biggest changes have been emotional. I’ve made a short list of some of the unexpected things that happened on my journey.
1. A new depth of gender euphoria.
I had felt some gender euphoria during my social transition before starting testosterone. It was an amazing feeling, and I was high on it. But when I started hormone-replacement therapy (HRT), it got so much deeper. Something about being on the hormones that felt right for me hit differently. Going through male puberty in my late twenties was wonderful. It was uncomfortable but pure bliss at the same time.
I started walking differently, breathing differently, showing up differently. It felt like I had finally come into myself as a person, and I felt whole. That thing inside me that always felt like something was wrong had lifted. I had been reborn, and I was finally free.
2. It had a significant impact on my mental health.
The impact that testosterone had on my mental health was astounding. The right hormonal balance and gender euphoria made me feel like I could breathe for the first time in my life. Suddenly, I could think clearly. My anxiety dropped to almost nothing. My depression lifted. I felt like a person for the first time. I had no idea I could feel this way.
3. People started treating me differently.
As the novelty of “passing” wore off, I noticed a change in how people treated me based on their perception of me. My presentation changed how people treated me. Being judged by their perception of me felt odd. I was still the same person, after all.
I had started experiencing male privilege. I want to say, not all transmasculine people who receive HRT have this experience. Many of us face more discrimination than cisgender women. I happen to be one of those who have benefited from it.
After years of being seen as a white woman, I was shocked at the difference in treatment I received by passing as a white man. I shouldn’t have been. I faced much sexist and misogynistic treatment while presenting as a woman. But, experiencing it firsthand, from both sides, was something else entirely.
4. I had to grieve my period.
Of all the perks of being on testosterone, I wanted it to stop my period the most. I wanted it gone so badly. I was deeply disappointed when, after many months on T, I found out it doesn’t stop for everyone. I was probably one of those people. But I learned to make peace with it.
Then, when it finally did stop after three years, it came as a total shock. I felt lost without that way to navigate my cycles. I suddenly felt more disconnected from my body. It felt like my last link to my assigned gender. These feelings were a shock. They caught me off guard. I had been dreaming of this for so long.
5. It made me realize that I’m nonbinary.
About three years into my transition, something interesting happened. I looked so masculine that I began to feel dysphoric again. People only saw me as a man. The fact that new people did not know that I was trans started affecting me, and I felt like a part of me was getting lost. I felt awkward about disclosure. I wanted people to know I was not just a guy. But there never seemed a good time to bring it up.
I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening at the time, but I decided to take a break from HRT. I realized I was nonbinary, but I wasn’t sure what that meant for me. The time I took to explore this was invaluable. It made me more confident in my decision to restart HRT.
In conclusion
Being on T is what makes me happy and feel most like myself. I no longer feel like I owe anyone an explanation or justification for who I am. I am trans enough, I am nonbinary enough, and I don’t need to prove it through my presentation.
It has been a learning curve, but I don’t regret any of it. My journey is what makes me who I am, and nothing can compare to the relationship I have built with myself.
