Freak, Fraud, Failure & Fear
Confronting late-life transition insecurities
As I continue to ponder my drive to transition from male to female, I realize that I can simplify my issues with my 4Fs: Freak, Fraud, Fear and Failure.
Freak
Women exist in a culture of beauty. Their world is saturated with it. It can be cruel and filled with self-criticism. Born male, I live in fear of entering that arena with the pre-existing sense of massive insecurity and doubt that being transgender already produces. The demand of beauty pours gasoline on a bonfire of doubt.
Like many late-life transitioners, my body went through male puberty and a lifetime of testosterone. Attempting to achieve even a moderate amount of success passing is a monumental task. We are all afraid of being labeled a “freak”, both in our own mirrors and in public. Laverne Cox said in an interview that in her early days of transition, people would laugh at her when she entered a subway train car. It takes an immense amount of personal strength to survive.
Some don’t.
They either surrender to their biological gender presentation or they commit suicide. Both are brutal choices. I truly wish we and our world was more accepting.
