Gender Dysphoria In High School During the 90's
Did I have a crush on her, or did I want to be her?
Tracy was this Irish Italian girl in my history class. She was so cute. It was January of 1988 and I felt so lost. I couldn’t focus on anything. My parents would say that this is what all boys go through. It’s raging hormones and racing thoughts of girls and cars and all the things that boys do.
I would look at Tracy and admire her long wavy dark brown hair, perfect eyebrows, small frame, fashionably dressed in the latest clothes. The way she smiled, and the pitch of her voice. I would think “I wish I could be that.” I also thought “I wish I could hold that.” I didn’t know what was happening to me.
Whenever I would see crossdressing or any kind or a man doing female things on TV, it would grab my attention. I knew I wanted to be experimenting with women’s clothes and makeup, but I also knew I was attracted to women. I thought if you wanted to be a woman you must be gay! But I wanted nothing more but to hold Tracy close to me and kiss her passionately.
These thoughts wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone because I thought if I slip up and say something about how I feel I’ll get murdered or something. I kept to myself and did the best I could to stay in the background and not be…
