How a Gay Rumor Changed Everything, Left Me Questioning It All
Emotional turbulence and a restless dream
Not long after my grad-school year began, I developed feelings for my classmate Xie, and my affection for him started because of a rumor.
My friend Z, who is half-out as gay, had seen Xie during his graduate-school interviews always accompanied by a male friend. Their relationship seemed rather intimate, so he concluded that Xie must be gay.
As a gay man, I took this comment seriously and naturally started to like Xie. All the guys in our class lived on the same floor, and Xie’s room was right next to mine.
He was the typical northern guy — thick eyebrows, big eyes, straightforward personality. When he spoke, he managed to compliment others while still expressing his own opinions. He found joy in the smallest things, and his hearty laughter could be heard through the walls. We got along well, became quite close, and often visited each other’s rooms.
One time, the school organized a visit to the Film Museum. It was supposed to be a group activity for the entire class, but the two of us walked slowly, stopping to discuss every familiar movie we saw on the exhibition boards. In the process of showing off our knowledge, we probed each other’s opinions. Before we knew it…
