How Death Changes (Trans) Life
A little over 2 weeks ago, a child very close to me died unexpectedly at the age of 14.
The following days changed everything.
I don’t want to go into what happened and how. It’s too close, too tragic, still unbelievable. No, I do not want to admit it, not even to myself. Because as soon as I think about it too much, I sink into tears. Yes, the tears help, but in the end, they don’t bring the child back to life.
I had been on hormone therapy for months at the time of death. You could say hormonally a full woman. I also felt better than ever a few days before. I had accepted myself; I was experiencing “transceptance.” Something very special that helped me immensely. I accepted, if only for a short time, who I was. And that gave me a boost in self-confidence.
Then the tragic news on Friday night. A phone call destroyed everything.
I experienced the following hours as if in a dream — a nightmare. The following days I simply focused on what had to be done. Selecting the coffin, writing the obituary, planning for the funeral, etc. A to-do list that no one wants to work through.
Through all this time, I was certainly helped by my newly acquired consciousness, although it moved into the background. My inner serenity helped me to get through it all. If I had to struggle with dysphoria as well, what lay ahead of me would not have been possible.
But the days passed and the doubts arose. Why am I actually doing this? Why am I not simply the way I am? I am putting myself in danger. Taking hormone blockers, taking hormones, interfering with my own organism. That is dangerous. I could also die — just like that — someday. And then what about my family? They might not be able to cope with another blow of fate.
I stopped the hormones, threw everything away. Told myself that no matter how my body turned out, I would just be there for my family as a man. No matter what the cost.
I am not well. In more ways than one. Death is on my mind every day. The lack of medication is making itself felt. The physical changes so far do not quite fit the type of man, but that’s just the way it is. (And it annoys me very much. Before, I had longed for it.)
To be quite honest, I don’t know what to do with myself any more. I was so confident that the path I had chosen was the right one. So right. And it felt so right. But all that is so far away. As if I had never said that.
Now it all just seems wrong.
All of life seems wrong.
Nothing seems important anymore.
A transition appears as pure madness.
Not only am I now in this life crisis, trapped with the entire family, I am stuck on the path of myself all over again. Everything was for nothing. Everything starts again from the beginning. And it breaks me more and more.