I Passed The “Frankie” Test: Gender Guard Posts on My Trans Journey
Obstacles can feel overwhelming, but sometimes they turn out to be cuddly puppies.
When you are transgender, you find happiness in the strangest places.
As I have progressed in my transition from male to female, my sense of “passing” has gone through multiple moments of fear and success. Each effort to pass is like walking onto an acting stage still not sure of your lines.
I have been “clocked” multiple times.
Being clocked is when someone identifies you as transgender. Some transgender people don’t care, but I feel that most do. When I feel like I have been clocked, I feel like a social spotlight has been pointed specifically at me. I feel exposed and embarrassed at the same time. I feel like the freak at the circus and that everyone is pointing and gawking at me.
That has never happened.
In reality, what usually happens is that someone makes eye contact and has a knowing smile like they know my dirty secret but maybe I am misreading them. Given my heightened sense of sensitivity, I feel deep social anxiety each time but I continue to build confidence with experience and my anxiety level diminishes slightly each time I go out as me.
