Jan 1, 2022
I’m a Trans Woman But I Function Best As a Man
This makes me sad to write, but it is true
I am currently on holiday and there is still a lot to do. There is a lot to sort out in terms of house (building), which has been neglected in the last few weeks. I am thinking about a new job at work, which I would probably get. The stepping stone to a whole new level on the career ladder.
I talk to people on the phone when something hasn’t worked out so well; I sort out disputes and my words get attention. And I am quite sure that it is because I know how a man of this age and position in life should speak. I know how to get something I want. I just have to make an effort. It’s not that it comes naturally. But I’ve mastered this role so well that I’m buying it off myself again in the last few days. And I’m thinking whether it wouldn’t be wiser to remain “that man” after all.
The thought is basically insane, deep inside I know that, but now, as I write these lines, I once again don’t want to admit it.
It simply works best that way. I carry things that I can only carry through my muscular strength. I talk like a guy, move like one and when I push through my back and stand completely straight, I’m not only 1.90 metres tall, but a person of respect to whom people automatically pay respect.
In the last few days I’ve been brooding endlessly.
I went to see a psychotherapist just before the holiday and it was indeed a stroke of luck. Whatever direction I want to take, she will support me. But the more I think about it, the crazier the idea seems.
This life I have built for myself is the German dream. A house, a beautiful wife, two great kids, enough money, prestige and a great job that could soon be even better, including personnel responsibility and of course more money.
I think about it.
If I get this position, how seriously will the people below me or next to me and above me still take me when I come out — let’s say in the course of the year? My guess: not at all. It could cost me and my family head and neck, if my wife doesn’t kick me out before then.
Maybe none of this is true. Maybe it would work out better than I think. But who knows?
When the psychotherapist told me to think about where I was going until the next meeting my first impulse was: Hormone therapy! Laser treatment! Have my Adam’s apple removed, finally have that thing down there removed! I want a flat crotch at last!
But now? What do I do with this jumble of thoughts?
At the moment, people show me infinite respect for the way I am. Maybe because I’m being a bit too much of a man again. Everyone loves me exactly the way I am.
A little mental leap
Yesterday I went to furniture stores with my wife and without the children. We were looking for new furnishings for our new house. And you know what happened to me? I couldn’t look at any woman or girl more closely or even for more than 2 seconds without suffering a major dysphoria attack. Those hours on the road felt like weeks on the road. Mercilessly crushing weeks.
What do I do now with all this?
Apparently I still don’t really know who I am. Or do I just lack a little more courage? Or do I perhaps have infinite courage and strength because I’m living this life exactly as I do?
I don’t know. Meanwhile, my feed reader is overflowing with transition timelines, I’m wishing myself beautifully falling long hair, a bust and a completely different body shape, and I’m thinking about taking on this new position in January, while just a few days before I told my psychotherapist that it should go in the direction of hormone therapy.
A mind game remains: Can I have both? Can I secretly adjust my body? The changes will be subtle at first and much can be hidden for a long time. But will this work in the long run? Will my wife support me on such a path?
Questions. Nothing but questions. And so little time left before I have to make two of the most important decisions in my life.
I feel like 2022 will change absolutely everything for me. I just don’t know in which direction.
