I’m Not Gay, You Are
The intricacies of denial
Ever catch yourself ogling a same-sex person and suddenly shaking your head in denial?
I was introduced to the concept of homosexuality at quite an early age through television. The time between coming to know about this and coming to terms with my sexuality was a period of grave denial.
I used to daydream about girls when I was small. As I grew up, the dreams got more intimate. The only thing that didn’t change was that I still dreamt of girls. Soon I learned what being gay means. But something else was different now. I had now started to force myself to like boys. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours and practice behaving like a quintessential feminine girl who liked boys. I was, knowingly or unknowingly, trying to change an immutable part of my identity.
Here’s when compulsory heterosexuality comes into the picture.
Deep down I knew I was gay. My ignorant self was just not ready to believe this. I remember I would shudder at the thought of being gay. I was so scared. I would shake my head in denial and mutter ‘I’m not gay’ repeatedly under my breath.
I did not want my subconscious brain to believe I am not straight. I had never met anyone queer in my life. I didn’t know what being queer felt like. I had no one to share what I was going through. I didn’t even know if people like me existed, if it was normal and okay to feel sexually attracted to someone of the same sex. Everyone’s life around me seemed so easy in comparison to mine. They didn’t have to pretend to be attracted to someone of a totally different sex than what they were actually attracted to.
Then came the clues
Despite trying so hard to hide my identity from myself, there were giveaways that could have helped anyone trying to figure out my sexuality. I was a stalwart supporter of the LGBTQ+ community and anything said against this community would feel like it was being said against me. I’d go ballistic and squabble with the person for hours. I even started judging people based on their support for LGBTQ+ rights. Girls were really impressed by me sometimes. Some even said, “If only you were a boy, I would definitely date you.” This felt like a compliment and an insult at the same time. My fairly deep voice and the mannish quality of my beauty never fails to mesmerize girls (OK, clearly showing off here).
The Internet has played a dynamic role in my process of coming to terms with sexuality. Ellen DeGeneres was a big help. I never knew she existed before my brother playfully asked me five years ago to guess if the person was a man or a woman, provided the person has a wife. Of course, she looked like a woman. You could only imagine how elated I was after knowing that women could marry women. (That’s certainly not true here in India). All the different articles, speeches, and movies I’ve watched, all based on queerness, have really helped me in finally recognizing and truly accepting my sexuality.
Note: The author (she/her) is a lesbian. She is a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community although she hasn’t told her parents about it.
