How Much Impact Did Being Queer Have on My Career?
Probably less than some poor job choices
My formative years in high school and college were preoccupied with dealing with being gay. It was a long process for me. I stayed in the closet for a decade.
During that time, I didn’t need to consider my job prospects or a career because I had a job lined up for me immediately after I graduated. I had enlisted in the Navy Reserve in high school, which exempted me from the draft until college graduation, when I was required to go on active duty for three years.
My early years were a period of internal conflict.
Growing up in small towns in Texas in the 1950s caused me to hide in the closet for a decade. I was a preacher’s kid, and that formed my religious belief. Being gay was the one unforgivable sin.
My internalized homophobia kept me from taking risks. I was afraid of everything and everyone because they might guess my true self. That fear in my early years carried over into making career choices and in personal connections. I was afraid to reach out even when the opportunities arose. I played it safe for most of my life even after I came out. I couldn’t focus on a career because I was hiding from myself even more than from others.
I escaped the harsh realities of the real world by living in a fantasy world, but I paid a price. I lived at home as I went through college, and my first contact with the real world was in Navy Officer Candidate School. After college, I served on active duty for three years and still stayed firmly in the closet. Those years were a period of rapid growth in my personality, but I knew that I could not make a career of the Navy.
How I Became a Writer
I never had a clear career goal in mind, and for several years I just drifted from job to job. I was poor at dealing with money, and most of the time I lived paycheck to paycheck. I was let go from several jobs over ten years.
Fifteen years after college, I went back to the Graduate School of Journalism at the University of Texas at Austin. For only the second time in my life, I took a bold step to get my career off the ground.
Unfortunately, my fear took hold again, and I took the first job that was offered to me. It was a secure job, and I stuck with it for 20 years because it was safe. It was a dead-end job with no recognition, and ultimately, that failed also.
I was dumped on the street once again at 58. Fortunately, this time it carried some benefits for me. After I had the forced retirement, I moved to Washington, DC and took temporary contract jobs unrelated to writing.
I retired the second time after I moved to Raleigh, NC, and I tried starting my own series of businesses ranging from marketing to freelance writing. I self-published a couple of small books on Amazon. Now I have a weekly blog.
I only became a writer/editor in mid-life, but that never was my goal. Most successful writers I’ve known write because they have an internal compulsion to do so even if it means poor pay. I was involved in publishing in a variety of jobs. I was a technical writer, production editor, field representative of a major publisher, editor of three small magazines, and publisher for a small state agency.
I Didn’t Take Enough Risks
Over the years, when things didn’t work out as I expected, I developed a negative mindset, repressed my anger, and I felt rejected. I blamed my failures on discrimination against gays. However, the real reason was that I wasn’t trying hard. I just accepted whatever came along.
My over-riding ambition was a search for love rather than focusing on a career. I confused sex with love. I just looked for it in all the wrong places. Hanging out in queer bars for 40 years was a waste of time and energy.
Since I came out 60 years ago, I’ve had two long-term relationships. The relationships were filled with conflict and circumstances beyond our control. Social pressures worked against us. The first was when we were young and had no role models. We didn’t know how gay couples were supposed to act or to feel. Our options were limited. The second was with a bipolar person, who was difficult to handle.
As things worked out, I’ve lived alone most of my life after leaving home. My first partner met someone else, and they were together for 35 years. I’ve survived with the support of friends, and I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve owned three houses, but I spent most of my adult life in small apartments. In later years, I was reconciled with my church, and I’ve done therapy and meditation.
I made two or three bold moves, but mostly I lacked the courage to take risks that are necessary to grow. I blamed my bad luck in building a successful career on a lack of connections, opportunities, and wealth that others had. But I made my own luck through a lack of financial discipline or failing to focus on a career.
Being gay was a factor in forming my personality, but it was not the determining factor in my career.
