In My Country, LGBT Rainbows are Unwelcome
One day, I spotted six-colored shoes on the subway
It is not common in my city to spot a symbol related to LGBT culture, as such symbols are unwelcome. At least, many local gay people would say so. If you ask me — I wouldn’t. Even decades ago, when a rainbow of six colors was considered a designer’s mistake or fantasy, I kissed a boy I was in love with; right in the open, at noon, at the exit of a busy subway station in Saint-Petersburg, Russia with crowds bustling around.
A few days ago, in the carriage of a subway train, an iteration of that LGBT symbol caught my eye. The owner was a good-looking girl. Her eyes gave away the sense of a quest. Secretly studying good-looking guys around us, I was on a quest too. Suddenly I felt an urge to say hello to her, but then something inside of me said no.
What struck me about that moment and pushed me to write it down was to give myself a little bit more confidence to smile to a stranger in the street, because I still cannot muster the courage to take this simple action.
In my life, there were numerous times when, passing an attractive guy, I turned around in a few steps to see him do the same, a fraction of mutual paralysis blocking the stream of time for a second, and then us both turning back to face our initial routes.
What a queer mess I’ve been so many times. I included this experience in my recent novel, intending to kill two birds with one stone: to beat my own fear and to promote confidence in my readers.
