My Story of Pride
A ridiculously oversimplified tale of the quest for self-love
Each week during Pride Month at Lyft, a member of the LGBTQ+ community can volunteer to share their “Story of Pride” with the entire company. I volunteered to share mine during the week of my one-year anniversary. This is a slightly modified version of what I shared with those 4,300 people (mostly just added some gifs because duh).
“So when did you like, know?”
Despite having been asked this question what feels like infinity times since I first came out as gay nearly two years ago at 28 years old, I struggle to come up with a simple, straightforward answer (you’ve been warned).
I grew up in a politically conservative household in a homogenous midwestern suburb. When you combine this with my biological need to people-please, standing out for anything other than academic or athletic achievement was my actual nightmare.
I wanted so badly to fit in and prove that I was “normal” to my friends, parents, and most obnoxiously, myself.
When you’re young, you don’t forget the moments that leave you questioning whether or not you’re different than everyone else. You couldn’t even if you tried — which I did, constantly. I may not be able to tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can recount with vivid detail, the scene in Mrs. Knight’s 7th grade social studies class when I had the first of many “ummm… what was that thought I just had?” moments.
For as long as I can remember, there was an incessant internal conflict brewing inside me.
While I checked as many of the “normal” boxes as I could — like playing football for all of my childhood — the rainbow flags were always there. (🏳️🌈 is the endearing term I’ve conjured up for all signs I should’ve known I was gay long before the age of 28.)
Call me crazy, but I don’t imagine many high school football captains drive home from games on Friday nights belting out the Vanessa Hudgens part in “Gotta Go My Own Way” from the High School Musical 2 soundtrack. (I’m listening to it on repeat as I write this, and can confirm: still a bop.)
Yeah, I’m just going to leave this riiiiight here… 🏳️🌈
Despite all of the rainbow flags I accumulated over the years, I still wasn’t able to accept being gay. I couldn’t even admit it to myself in my own head, because it felt like someone would find out (like, what?!) and that, above all else, was the most terrifying thing I could think of.
“Nope, not me. I can’t be gay.”
I got so dangerously good at denial, that by my mid-to-late twenties it was literally all I knew. I not only accepted it, but genuinely thought that I was okay with it. Living alone didn’t seem so bad, and if I got lonely I figured I’d just follow through on one of those marriage pacts I made with a few girl friends in college.
So when did I like, know?
The simple answer would be that afternoon in Mrs. Knight’s 7th grade social studies class, right?
I don’t actually look at it that way. (In fairness, I did tell you my answer was neither simple nor straightforward, sí?)
I truly don’t think I knew until I finally gave myself the permission to tug on that pesky rainbow-colored thread that had been sticking out of the normal person costume I’d been so adamant about wearing my whole life. As I started pulling the thread, the costume began to unravel. Suddenly I couldn’t pull it fast enough. Only then did I finally catch my first glimpses of what had been hiding underneath it all those years, patiently waiting for its turn to get some fresh air. I was uncovering my true self for the very first time.
Where does this leave you when that doesn’t happen until you’re 28?
Well, feeling like the world’s oldest teenager. I had suddenly found myself going through all of these firsts and rites of passage they tell you about in every teen movie ever.
I had to figure out how dating worked, how to navigate social dynamics of the gay community, how to make new gay friends, and how to respond to a lot of powerful new emotions that I had never experienced before… all at the same time… amongst people who, for the most part, had been doing this for much longer than I had. It was, and still is, a lot to navigate through.
It was now up to me to intentionally decide which parts of my life up to that point had been authentic and which ones were part of the show.
Best of all, I finally allowed myself to explore all of the things that had brought me such shame for secretly liking in the past. For example, a few years ago I was mooching a friend’s HBO login and SO guiltily watched the first two episodes of Looking. I felt so much shame that I forced myself to stop watching it — mostly because (1) I knew that I really wanted to watch it and that was a scary realization and (2) out of fear that my friend would somehow find out. That really stuck with me, so one of the first things I did once I came out was watch that damn show. It’s not even good, but I watched every single episode (and even the movie??) because I finally COULD.
In a lot of ways, I feel fortunate to have come out when I did. By 28, I had built a strong community of friends and allies who welcomed my news with lots of love. These positive reactions one after another had a snowball effect and helped me embrace my true self faster than I thought possible.
I realize this isn’t everyone’s experience — so I encourage anyone reading this to be an ally to your friends and family members who might be going through similar struggles — I can’t overstate the power of allyship during this process. You don’t need answers, just be there for them.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, moving to San Francisco last year was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. During my one year in the city I have made up for so much lost time, personal growth, and self-love that I don’t think could have been replicated anywhere else.
I joined Lyft a year ago today in the middle of Pride Month. Not having worked in an office since I came out, I wasn’t sure how being gay at work, well, worked. Thankfully, I quickly learned that Be Yourself was more than just a recruiting pitch. After just one year, I am not only ok sharing who I am with people, I’m apparently ok sharing it with the entire company.
Oh, and remember all of those rainbow flags?
Now I get to wave them loud and proud with zero shame.
[cranks up that HSM2 soundtrack]
🏳️🌈
Do you know someone who might benefit from reading this article? I highly encourage you to share it with anyone you think it might resonate with.
Happy Pride. 🌈
