LGBTQ | Pride
My Unhappy Pride Month: Anatomy of a Minor Personal Attack
What happened when I wished everyone a Happy Pride Month
Background
I started a Facebook group from scratch about a year ago and watched it blossom from a dormant entity with three members into a large, active community with over 1,900 members. Its topic is highly specialized and technical, but the focus is on creativity in the arts.
There are some high-profile members who have won Emmys, some work at big studios and many of them have long, impressive IMDB profiles detailing their contributions to big and small-budget projects, some of which I have loved, liked or disliked. Regardless of how I feel about their work, I have a huge respect and admiration for them. I am humbled to be the administrator for a group of highly knowledgeable experts as well as newbie amateurs.
I have carefully fostered an inclusive, welcoming environment. I want it to be a safe place for everyone. I know all too well from personal experience that forums and Facebook groups can devolve into sniping, sarcasm and personal attacks, and I have been determined not to allow this group to fall victim to this.
Where It Went Wrong
Everything had been going well until two days ago. I made what I thought was an innocuous and obvious post reading, “Happy Pride Month, everybody!” Someone replied almost immediately with the following:
Create another dedicated group for your stuff. You should not assume they’re whatever and congratulate them. Be a man.
I experienced several emotions and thoughts. My first reaction, as I’m particularly thin-skinned, was to feel confused and a little hurt. I thought maybe I should be angry, but I wasn’t. I’m gay and out which for me means I live my life honestly and without apology, but I often don’t feel safe because of my prior experiences.
“Be a man?” I wondered why the poster assumed I’m a man and not a woman or non-binary. Their comment went against a very basic, specific group rule to which everyone agrees before joining: “You must treat everyone with kindness and respect.”
I wondered what the natural fallout would be. Some members posted reaction emoticons underneath my post. There were 4 “loves” and 2 “Ha ha’s.” Why would someone post a “Ha ha?” I wasn’t making a joke or saying something humorous.
Prior Experiences
Back when I formed the group, I had some awful experiences in another forum being attacked for expressing an opinion that differed from the majority. No one came to my defense or expressed that they shared the same opinion, even though it was unlikely that no one out of the hundreds of people responding to my post felt the same way. I ended up leaving that forum, never looking back and never missing it.
As an admin, a badge that shows up prominently every time I post in my own Facebook group, I assumed, incorrectly it turns out, that no one would make a personal attack on me. They would knew I could ban them or shut down the group altogether. An admin has even more power in a Facebook group than a moderator. However, this apparently wasn’t enough.
I knew I had to react thoughtfully and rationally, as I didn’t want to say or do anything that would make things worse. I wondered how the LGBTQIA+ members would feel when they read the comment. I knew they existed, partly because I vet everyone before I respond to their request to join the group by examining their profiles. As part of that process, I have read feeds from members who were out, proud, and not afraid to make it publicly known.
Vetting Didn’t Work
The main reason I examine people’s profiles before I accept them is to make sure they’re not likely to derail the group. I have only rejected two applicants. One was a bot, and the other published hate speech in their feed, which is a violation of the group’s specific rules. But other than that, I have been welcoming toward people of all kinds, including those whose political views don’t align with mine.
If a member made a personal attack toward someone else in the group, I would have deleted the post and possibly banned them or at least limited their posting privileges. I would have done something, as this is so strongly out of alignment with the kind of environment I had worked so hard to create and maintain.
But this attack was towards me. Did I deserve the same? I have a long history of not being assertive which has served me poorly in horrific work situations and other circumstances.
Advice From My Husband and My Therapist
I asked my husband what he thought. He believed I shouldn’t respond, that I shouldn’t remove the comment, and should just ignore it. Wouldn’t that be giving in to my impulse to not stand up for myself?
According to my therapist, I’m supposed to work at being assertive. Why don’t I have an internal barometer to guide me instinctively without asking anyone? Why do I keep allowing myself to be defined by the rejecting messages my parents gave me? Why is my childhood still so present in the here and now?
In the meantime, the “Be a man” post has been racking up hundreds of views. If I took away their voice by removing their post or banning them, would they retaliate against me somehow? If there is even a small chance of this, do I want to risk it?
I left the post up thinking surely someone would come to my defense. But despite hundreds of views, no one did. One thing I’m sure of is that I’m not deleting my Happy Pride Day post. I won’t allow that person to silence me. I’m still trying to decide whether I should respond to their post, either with words, with banning (maybe too drastic), or just to leave it alone.
What I Ended Up Doing
For now, I’ve decided to leave it alone. That doesn’t feel particularly good, but neither do the other options. Maybe letting this person show themselves publicly for who they really are is punishment enough, even though they probably don’t think of it that way.
Giving oxygen to it, making a “big deal” of it is what they want, so they can spew more of it. They want the satisfaction of knowing they hooked me in, that they have the power to make me engage.
I will monitor the group carefully in the next few days and, depending on what does or doesn’t happen, I may change my mind about how to/whether to address it. But one thing is certain: there is no easy answer to how to respond to hate.
Epiolgue
After writing and posting this article, I had time to think more about what happened, and I decided I didn’t want to leave it alone. I deleted the offending post, and I changed the the member’s priviledges to “approval required,” so that anything they say from now on will have to be specifically approved by me. I sent them a message calling out their behavior and giving them a warning that any other violation of the group rules will result in becoming banned. We’ll see what happens. I think I’d rather shut down the group altogether than let this stuff slide.
