Pleasure Rituals, Sex Educators, and Free Vibrators, Oh My!
Highlights from the Residence 11 Desire Summit L.A., 2023
I’m not sure how I came across the event info for Residence 11’s first ever Desire Summit, but when I came across the description and the agenda back in December 2022 (maybe in L.A.’s Eventbrite list?), I knew I had to be there. I immediately bought my tickets — and now that the day is over, I’m ever so glad I did.
Residence 11 is an online magazine that “celebrates sensuality, sexuality, romance, and loving in a new age of human communication.” They also say that they are dedicated to:
We help readers find a more healthy, honest, joyful and fulfilling physical and spiritual communication in their relationships.
I mean, I can’t think of a better goal — and it resonates deeply with why I write and share my stories.
I’ve been to plenty of conferences over the course of my professional career as a writer, but I have attended none like the Desire Summit. And believe me, that’s a good thing.
The Summit took place in a small but very sexy venue called Velvet Noir, located in the West Adams neighborhood of L.A. Even though it was sponsored by some big names like Avon Books, Fun Factory, Bloom Audio, the Pleasure Chest, Blush, Sex Positive L.A. and more, it was an intimate setting where participants and speakers truly got the chance to mingle and learn from each other. The agenda, participants, and topics centered on inclusivity, consent, and care.
The best part? Each guest received a goodie bag, complete with vibrators, lube, condoms, spicy books, and more.
Like…what?! THIS is the kind of conference I like to attend.
Below are some highlights from the day. Each speaker offered considerate jewels of wisdom. I tried my best to jot down notes that I could return to later — after all, writing is how I best process my experiences — and I wanted to share them here.
It’s Never Too Late to Have a Sexual Awakening
I came in a bit late and so I missed the opening of the first talk, Sexual Awakenings at Any Age, but what I was able to capture was truly inspiring. August McLaughlin interviewed Lynn Brown Rosenberg, who wrote the memoir, My Sexual Awakening at 70, and the title perfectly captures what she writes about! Rosenberg started watching porn and was thereby inspired to explore her sexuality late in life. She was so encouraging, especially when she said:
It’s never too late to have a sexual awakening!
-Lynn Brown Rosenberg
McLaughlin spoke about her own sexual awakenings, first at age 20 or so, and again at around 30 when she discovered masturbation. Both also added that for people who are just starting out on their own sexual awakening journey, journaling/ writing can help.
This truly resonates with how I’ve processed my own midlife awakening, during which I’ve embraced my bi/pansexuality and started practicing ethical nonmonogamy. While I’m amping up the spice for both the reader’s pleasure and for my own (wink, wink), writing queer erotica and romance has given me a space to organize my thoughts and questions, research for more information, and explore my new fantasies and desires in fictionalized form.
I echo their recommendation! Writing is key!
Puzzles Before Sex and Running During
I truly enjoyed the conversation on Erotic Rituals held by sex and relationship therapist, Jamila Dawson, and health and sexuality writer, August McLaughlin. Dawson encouraged the audience to read two of my all time favorite writers: Audre Lorde (namely her essay, “Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power”) and adrienne maree brown. If you are unfamiliar with either of these vitally important, gorgeous, goddess-writers, please — I beg of you — stop reading this, and go read them now.
(Just kidding — you can wait til you’re done reading this, and please don’t forget those fifty claps, lol.)
Dawson also encouraged the audience to consider what pleasure rituals we want to incorporate in our daily lives as well as what rituals we might already have that we could view with the lens of the erotic, which doesn’t necessarily have to mean the sexual but more important, that which brings us pleasure. As brown encourages in her amaaaaazing book, Pleasure Activism, Dawson reminded the audience that our bodies — especially those of us that have been historically marginalized and disenfranchised and/or taught that our bodies are wrong (…so most of us) — that we have the right to experience pleasure, to access pleasure.
Dawson gave the example of putting lotion on her whole body (especially during winter!). She had one client who reveled in a cup of tea before a big work day and another who, because of her ADHD and different energy from her slower-paced lover, had to run around the block before sex — and even sometimes during sex! She asked the audience for other ritual ideas, and one audience member shared that she and her partners sometimes like to puzzle before sex and that she loves having a lover titty f*ck them before a toxic work day.
I love that the definition of one’s erotic rituals is completely individualized and can span from the spiciest sexual exchange to something as simple as a hot shower at the end of a long work day.
I Really Like the Feeling of Vibrations on My…
One of the best presentations of the day was — and not just because they talked about vibrators — Keeping Long-Term Relationships Hot and Bringing Sex Toys to Casual Dating, which was given by Kristen Tribby and Nora Langknecht of the sex toy company, FUN FACTORY. Both Tribby and Langknecht offered some incredibly thoughtful and creative advice, which makes sense since they’re both trained as sex and relationship therapists.
Here are a few golden lines I wrote down:
- Orgasm is not the only goal, but for a lot of people it is a goal.
- You can blend toys throughout a sexual encounter with your partner(s)— toys don’t just need to be there to achieve orgasm. For example, you could press a vibrator against a lover’s cheek, or press a vibrator between your bodies.
- Ways to let your partners know you want to incorporate sex toys: Do you want to play internally or externally? I think it would be really hot if you wore this. How would that make you feel? Does that turn you on? I really like the feeling of vibrations on my… (And remember: whoever is on the receiving end, you get to choose the toy.)
- While in a long-term relationship, especially when work, kids, stress, life takes over, we can think about how we can encourage a healthy sex life by comparing it to preparing meals for nourishment. Sometimes, you just need a snack, sometimes you need fast food (a.k.a a quickie), sometimes you need a simple home cooked meal, and a few times a month, you might want an all out feast in the way of a fancy gourmet meal. (Being that I have a whole series in the works as well as a free erotic cookbook available on my website, this part REALLY resonated with me. Also, it made me very hungry).
Romance Novels Are NOT Fluff
OMG the Avon Books-sponsored panel on Writing the Modern Romance Novel was AWESOME. Kelly Reynolds interviewed Sierra Simone, Mia Hopkins, Angie Williams, and Suzanne Park. Each writer is an absolute delight, and it was wonderful to learn more about how they write, what inspires them, what challenges them, and what they love about writing romance novels.
It’s funny — even though this was the panel I was most excited about, I didn’t capture too many notes because I was too busy being enthralled by the conversation. BUT here are a few moments:
- Trope driven drama does not mean stories are predictable.
- All romance is NOT fluff.
- It’s a misconception that men don’t read romance (and honestly more men should.)
- Because…romance novels center safety and dignity.
Kink is Infinite
The conversation between author and documentarian, Moushumi Ghose, and sex and intimate relationship therapist, Melissa Lesane, was another gem of the day.
Ghose started out by discussing definitions and misconceptions of kink, reminding us that bisexuality was considered kink in the 80s (and is probably why, while I knew I was bi in the 90s, I didn’t come out as bi til 2016 when I turned 40 — I tried to be so vanilla for so long! Damn societal stigmatization!) She funneled kink down to anything that is not considered vanilla under such heteronormative terms. She also said that kink is infinite, which I LOVE.
Ghose and Lesane talked about how our fantasies and our fetishes are our kink, and yet we hold so much shame around them. They discussed how sad it is that even though something will be arousing for clients, their client won’t tell anyone. They advised the audience on how to get started with kink, encouraging people to go slow, to start with yourself and ask yourself, “What do I want to feel like?”
I also liked that they said to try not to overthink it — that yes, we should be clear with ourselves and what we want, and yes, we should take it slow with partners who may be kink shy, but also we don’t have to hold back and second-guess everything either. We don’t have to succumb to shame.
More Golden Lines
Unfortunately, I missed the last few talks, as I had to leave a bit early… but I’m sure there will be highlights share on the Residence 11 site soon.
Here are a few other golden lines from the day:
It’s still taboo for a woman to talk about their sex lives. Writing about sex allows you to process…[and the sharing of stories shows] you are normal, you are okay.
— Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, author of The Sex Lives of African Women, during a virtual presentation, Why We All Need To Talk About Sex, interviwed by Rachel Kramer Bussel, founder and editor of Residence 11
Mainstream visual pornography does not serve us well.* Audio allows listeners to insert themselves into scenes and fantasies.
— Jess Bluie, Editorial Director and head writer at Bloom Audio
Men are only taught to fight or fuck. If I feel upset I have to figure out why I’m really upset — or is it society telling me to be upset?
— Kevin Patterson, Managing Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Know yourself first. Do I have the capacity? What kind of people do I want in my life?
- Erin Tillman, Managing Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
I didn’t catch the exact phrasing, but during their presentation, The Future Is Genderqueer, Lasara Firefox Allen gave a passionate, detailed talk on why it’s important to understand the depth of language regarding gender and sexuality, both for the present moment as well as for the expanding genderqueer future.
*Note on Jess Bluie’s statement about visual porn. Bluie tracked back a bit and clarified the ethical porn exists and works well for many viewers, but that concern remained in so much of the rest of the porn industry, particularly in terms of internalizing unhealthy and unrealistic models of sex. Thereby, Bluie wanted us to be listening to our porn — and tbh, Bloom sounds like a great app!
It’s amazing to me that such a small, intimate conference could be so complex and empowering — and I hope they organize it again next year.
At least they left us with a bag of goodies in the meantime!
Hi, I am Artemis Glass, writer of sensually empowering queer adult romance. I believe in joy, self-determination, consent, and pleasure. I live and write to reclaim my own power, and I share my stories so that you can reclaim your power, too.
My latest novellas, A NEW YEAR and VALENTINES, both from the series, AUDRINA’S YEAR OF YEARNING are available on Amazon or are free with Kindle Unlimited. Imagine a queer and spicy Sex and the City, set in L.A. Audrina is a curvy MC who is experiencing a joyful, sensuous, queer, and super spicy! mid-life awakening. More coming all year. Insert Michael Scott joke here.
Learn more at: artemisglassbooks.com and linktr.ee/artemisglassbooks.
