Pray Away: How I Survived the Ex-Gay Movement

Life lessons of a Loving Gay Christian

Publicity still for the Pray Away documentary

Recently, Netflix released the documentary Pray Away, an exposé on the “ex-gay” movement in the U.S. from the 1970s to present. I was deeply involved in that world for years and knew many of the people featured in the film — first as a client receiving conversion therapy, then as a counselor refusing to provide conversion therapy. The documentary is riveting and I strongly encourage you to forward this article — so you, your family, friends, and church can watch this real story together. Sadly, Side X (the former ex-gays) and conversion therapy still exist in America today.

Here is what I experienced in that world.

Ex-Gay Background

The 1970s in America ushered in the “Jesus Movement.” Evangelical Protestants took to the streets proclaiming the Good News of Jesus’ death and resurrection and one’s need to be “born again.” Multitudes of Americans did exactly that. The “charismatic” movement” sprang to prominence at the same time, celebrating speaking in tongues and supernatural events.

Some gays who had been homoerotically promiscuous and dissatisfied with their life became born again. Some experienced signs of God’s inner working in their souls. These changes were paired with strong encouragement to read the Bible — and some gay people became convinced of the immorality of homosexual behavior. Correspondingly, some gay men ceased their promiscuity, and their life began to feel more satisfying. They called themselves “ex-gays.”

Change became our only option. But change of orientation never occurred, and generations of suicide among gay Christians flourished.

Ex-gays would find comfort and encouragement in the company of other homosexual Christians. Some of them formed small support groups. Since these groups were not led by church leaders or a professional counselor, the groups called themselves “ministries.” Ex-gay ministries began to dot the American landscape, resulting in one organization — Exodus International — serving as de facto national headquarters for all the disparate ex-gay groups. Exodus established a referral network of local ex-gay ministries and certified leaders of these new ministries.

In 1976, Exodus held its first national conference — where an explosion of people gathered to receive inspiring talks from “ex-gays,” plus literature on how to become free from homosexuality. Exodus had its celebrity speakers highlighted in national magazines, talk shows, and Christian television/radio. Their motto was a confident “Change Can Happen.” Indeed some of the Exodus leaders married women and fathered children, ostensibly demonstrating the positive power of orientation change.

Exodus ministries proliferated like bunnies, creating national attention in churches and politics. Most of the Christian world was desperate for a “cure” for homosexuality, and ex-gay ministries served as their rescuing saint. The Republican Party, aligning with conservative religious and societal practices, used the ex-gay ministries to secure evangelical votes.

The Ex-Gay Cure

Exodus ministries were centrally coordinated but locally managed. However, virtually all local ex-gay ministries applied the same ingredients to “cure” homosexuality. The collective term for using any of the following practices became known as conversion therapy or sexual orientation change efforts. You may want to read a previous article of mine for an understanding of my own experience with conversion therapy.

I’m a Gay Christian Who Tried Conversion Therapy

1. Born Again. The presumption was that all gays lacked a personal relationship with Jesus. Thus, when a gay man became born again, the belief was that God (through the Holy Spirit) would fill the gay man and heal him from the inside out. The Spirit was expected to change the person’s attraction away from men and toward women. Plus, the Holy Spirit would presumably empower the gay man with self-control to withstand temptations to engage in homoerotic activities.
2. Causation. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi (the founder of “Reparative Therapy”) convinced Exodus leaders that the cause of homosexuality in the male is an improper childhood bonding with one’s father. Thus, one of the cure ingredients is to understand that the gay man was innocent of the blame of causation but was nonetheless inherently “broken” or “disordered” — in need of repair. And if the gay male applied the proper change ingredients, then he could confidently reorient his homosexuality back to its original, God-intended heterosexual capability.
3. Faith. Since most of the Exodus leaders were evangelicals with a charismatic background, they presumed God could and would provide healing miracles. The gay man’s responsibility was to have enough faith in both God and the conversion process. If so, change would happen. Ex-gays in conversion therapy were expected to “claim” in advance healing that would one day occur. It was only a matter of faith and time.
4. Exposure to Straight Mentors. Conversion therapy presumed improper bonding to one’s father was the cause of the gay male’s homosexuality. Logically, the theory likewise presumed a proper bonding with a “father figure” (i.e., adult, straight mentor) would create the restored heterosexuality. Thus, ongoing private sessions with a mentor were considered an important ingredient toward the cure.
5. Assimilation to Masculinity. Much of ex-gay therapy presumed gays lacked masculinity — and thus, effeminacy is a contributing cause to their homosexuality. And the cure for effeminacy? Hang out with culturally masculine, straight men. Therefore, ex-gays were expected to initiate friendships with straight men (a daunting task for many gay men), followed by constant socialization. Presumably, by being near masculine straight men, the ex-gay man would assimilate into being one himself.
6. Addiction Counseling. Homosexuality was assumed to be a “sexual addiction.” The ex-gay man who underwent a classic “12-step recovery program” (patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous) would presumably be cured of his homosexuality. A very popular ex-gay ministry in the 1980s was “Homosexuals Anonymous.”
7. Cognitive-Behavioral Modification. The presumption in this ingredient was that if an ex-gay man intentionally practiced changing his self-talk, plus his outer behaviors, he will become a straight person. Cognitively, ex-gays were encouraged to identify as straight (or as Christian) rather than as gay. Behaviorally, gays were urged to practice culturally masculine behaviors (e.g., not sit with one’s legs crossed). Sure “girlish” behaviors were presumed to contribute to one’s homosexual identity.
8. Strict Accountability. Ex-gay ministries required each gay man to confess all infractions involving homoeroticism or even the occurrence of the same-sex attraction. Furthermore, gays were not permitted to socialize with other ex-gays (outside the group meetings). Violations of meeting in private with any gay person were to be confessed (and repented) to the group.
9. Intensive Isolation. As a last resort, gay men who still had not been converted to heterosexuality could be interned in a private program — sequestered away from exposure to the outside world and all its temptations. Such a program was the theme of the Boy Erased book and movie. Sometimes the “ex-gay” male spent a few weeks at conversion camps, sometimes years.

The Ex-Gay Cure Did Not Work

The “ex-gay” movement enjoyed a conversion success rate that closely approached zero. Why is it that so few ex-gays were able to acquire an opposite-sex attraction to a woman, given that they diligently applied the cure ingredients?

And why is it that, to my awareness, not one gay man has ever had his same-sex attraction extinguished?

Well, let’s review why each ingredient was ineffective in producing an orientation change. As a Licensed Professional Counselor who has mentored thousands of fellow gay Christians, I know a bit about this subject.

• Born Again. Countless people have changed their lives in significant ways through their union with Jesus. Certainly, I have. However, I was already “born again” when I entered conversion therapy. My relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, while magnificent, did not remove my attraction to men.
• Causation. Unlike many gay men, I had a strong relationship with my father. He cannot and should not be “blamed” as the cause of my homosexuality. I am not the only gay man to have had a solid bond with his father. If I, and many others, fell outside the “normative causation theory” then the theory itself lacks reality as a singular causal explanation.
• Faith. Pentecostal and charismatic faith practices presume if a gay man has enough faith, he can “move a mountain into the sea.” Thus, changing one’s sexual orientation would seem quite feasible. However, despite pious men’s most sincere dedication to prayer, change did not come. Tragically, religious leaders would blame the gay man rather than acknowledge such conversion is extremely unlikely. Furthermore, repeatedly having the faith to tell yourself, “I am straight” is no more effective than constantly saying, “I am a cauliflower.” Neither proclamation makes it so.
• Exposure to Straight Mentors. Straight men had literally mentored me throughout my 32 years in the Air Force. That’s a lot of exposure! My results? Well, I’m still gay.
• Assimilation to Masculinity. First, I was a clear exception to the conversion theory. I dripped with cultural masculinity. I preferred the friendship of males over females, plus all of my friends were quite masculine. I played rough contact sports (excelling in football), attended an all-male Air Force university, and became a top-of-the-pyramid fighter pilot. Second, allow me to state that Jesus’ nature (peaceful, patient, kind, gentle, humble) would never be considered culturally “masculine” in the U.S. Jesus’ natural virtues paradoxically seem to be more present in gays than in straights. Becoming “less like Jesus” cannot be the answer.
• Addiction Counseling. Bluntly, same-sex attraction is not an addiction. While some gays and straights alike may become controlled by harmful erotic compulsions, the attraction itself does not cause the compulsion. Similarly, while preventing oneself from engaging in homoerotic activities may be healthy for some, such repression will never remove the inherent attraction. A person’s sexuality (regardless of being gay or straight) is divine, an intentional part of being human. Being out-of-control in the use of one’s sexuality is a recipe for harm — but such irresponsibility is no more a function of being gay than it is of being straight.
• Cognitive-Behavioral Modification. Is it truly a wise idea for us gay Christians to cognitively restrict ourselves from claiming a gay identity (as our evangelical leaders require)? Preventing myself from using the word “gay” will not change my orientation. Nor will it reduce my identity toward Jesus — or diminish Jesus’ love for me. Additionally, behaviorally practicing sitting in a chair, with both of my legs on the floor, will not change me into being straight — but it will remind me of how natural it feels to cross my legs. No harm in that.
• Strict Accountability. Gay men engage in homoerotic thoughts and behaviors. Shocked? We should not be. Straight men, too, engage in heteroerotic thoughts and behaviors! Strict accountability may be necessary if we are an alcoholic who cannot take one sip without losing control. However, confessing each homoerotic infraction to a group of men (or to one’s pastor or spouse) is a terrific ingredient for amplifying shame. Shame drives addiction and prevents healthy thriving. Public confession may be, in some situations, good for the soul, but it is not a remedy for extinguishing one’s innate sexual attraction.
• Intensive Isolation. Let’s suppose isolation from other gays was the actual cure to changing one’s sexual orientation. If such were true, there should have been millions of gay men who are now converted into being straight — due to covid’s rigid social isolation. And, has that been the case? Nope.

The Real Ex-Gay Harm

On a very personal level, it took me until age 30 before I realized my attraction to men and daily homoromantic and homoerotic thoughts had a name: homosexual. I recently wrote an article in Prism & Pen explaining the birth of my orientation.

I’ll Never Forget the Day My Homosexual Orientation Turned “On”

Since I had never engaged in homoerotic activity with any man, I did not consider myself an “ex-gay.” Nonetheless, my same-sex attractions were predominate and enduring. I tried my best to convert my sexual orientation. My very marriage depended upon it. I tried virtually all of the previous ingredients in my attempt to become straight.

Here is what I learned.

My attraction to men is simply a different attraction. It is not a disorder, it is not a sin. I have no reason to feel ashamed of being myself. In fact, I am now very grateful to be gay. My same-sex attraction does not predicate that I am powerless to abstain from gay sexual intercourse; I may choose to do so — or not. I am responsible for how I treat every gay man with dignity and equal value.

The real harm in the ex-gay movement was that it reinforced an American cultural norm (at least among evangelicals) that being gay is a disorder. We gay Christians were subsequently treated as “lesser than” in our own families and in the Church — our “family of Jesus”. We were informed by our leaders-of-influence that to stay “broken” would result in personal ruin and eternal damnation. Change became our only option. But change of orientation never occurred, and generations of suicide among gay Christians flourished.

This is a needless tragedy I wish more Christians would focus on.

I am absolutely certain that Jesus loves me exactly as I am. I do not need to change one iota of my sexuality in order to earn His approval. Even if I could have converted my sexual orientation, such change would not have added one ounce of value to Jesus’ impression of me. In my lifetime I have romantically loved one woman; a few years after her death, I likewise experienced romantic love for one man. And in both situations, Jesus loved me exactly as I am.

GAYoda is a publication to uniquely and specifically support gay Christian men. Click here to learn more

Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder and author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology, is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor, with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read a short synopsis of his story here.

Read Dr. Rosebush’s complete set of articles here.

Dr. Rosebush provides friendship support to gay Christian men across the U.S. and can be contacted via Facebook or mikerosebush75@gmail.com.