Same-Sex Couples: How To Help Your Kids Understand (Hint: It’s Easy)
As a parent of three, I’ve dealt with many difficult issues. This isn’t one of them.
When my second child was four, I sat with him in our favorite playground while he poured sand into a bright yellow pail. Another boy, carrying an orange plastic shovel, joined us with his mother. A girl walked up clutching the hands of two men. She was shy and her fathers gently encouraged her to join us. My son noticed them and invited her to “help dig.” She scampered forward, and her two fathers sat next to me on a bench.
Shovel Boy looked up from his digging and stared at the two men. He pointed and said, “Uh oh!” His mother blushed and immediately assured him that all was well. He again pointed and repeated, “Uh oh!” Painfully embarrassed, his mother sat speechless. The boy looked so baffled that I asked if he could tell us what was wrong. He jumped up, ran to the two men and pointed downward. “Shoelace untied! Uh oh!”
The adults burst out laughing.
The woman took a deep breath. “My brother’s gay. We were all at the zoo together last weekend. Another kid did the same thing, pointed at my brother and his partner and said ‘Uh oh!’ His Mom was a total bigot, went on a rant about how gay men shouldn’t be around young boys. I couldn’t believe it when my own kid pointed at you and said those same words.”
“Over a shoelace,” the man grinned.
He reached down but his daughter stopped him, immensely pleased. She had recently mastered tying her own shoelaces, and dropped at his feet to show off her new talent. My son watched with such intensity that the two dads asked if he’d like a turn. He beamed, abandoned his yellow pail and trotted over. Shovel Boy joined them and the two men allowed the three kids to untie and re-tie their shoelaces for the next hour (interspersed with triumphant dancing and running in exuberant circles).
None of the kids cared one whit that the girl had two fathers.
As a psychologist and mother of three, I’ve been asked several times how to explain “gay” to children. I’m always glad when someone wants to understand any aspect of LGBTQ+. These moms and dads often approached with embarrassment, hesitant to ask for advice, especially with an issue that’s “so hard to address.”
But actually it isn’t.
Raising my kids, I’ve fielded some extremely tough questions, and this isn’t one of them.
Why do people act mean?
Can I get a tail for my birthday?
If Mrs. Ransford was “all ears” when she heard the news, should we rush her to the doctor?
Those questions were tricky and hard and (in order): highly emotional and accompanied by tears — fascinating and followed by several trips to the library for books on animals — complicated as I explained a figure of speech before their growing brains were mature enough to grasp symbolic language.
However — How can I explain a gay couple to my kids? — that one was easy.
This is Joe and Ann.
This is Sylvia and Marie.
This is Bob and Alan.
When couples visited our home, my husband and I introduced them to our children. The kids responded “Nice to meet you,” shook hands, and that was that. If the parents are matter of fact, then the kids will simply accept it. If the parents create a hyped-up drama, the kids will react accordingly. They’ll follow your lead. Acceptance or drama — it’s your choice.
As the children grew older, they had more questions. The most important Rule Of Thumb was to answer what they asked, no more no less.
Those are two boys! How can they be a couple?
Any two people can be a couple. If they love each other like Mommy and Daddy love each other, then they’re a couple.
Can they make babies and have a family?
Sure. There are lots of ways to make babies and have a family. (Your children will become overwhelmed with information if you launch into eggs and sperm, fallopian tubes and testes, ejaculation and insemination, surrogacy and adoption. When your kids are ready for specifics, they’ll ask.)
What’s the best kind of couple? Two boys? Two girls? A boy and a girl?
A couple with a lot of love is the best kind of couple.
In 2019, the children’s cartoon series Arthur aired Mr. Ratburn’s same-sex marriage. By then, my youngest child was in middle school, but I received several calls from parents with younger kids. They were anxious and confused how to approach “such a tricky topic.”
When the Arthur episode aired, I followed the negative reactions to Mr. Ratburn (Arthur’s teacher) and Patrick (an aardvark who owns a chocolate store), and to their marriage. Alabama Public Television banned the episode. Some suggested a TRIGGER WARNING — a same-sex marriage RED ALERT — an urgent call to have a PARENTAL UNIT on hand to answer questions.
I always encourage parents to be available when their kids are watching any television show. Kids have questions, comments, ideas, and these moments provide opportunities for open communication. But there’s no need to hold up a cue card: IS ANYONE SPIRALING INTO ORGAN FAILURE SECONDARY TO MR. RATBURN’S SAME-SEX MARRIAGE? (Reality check: your kids are much more likely to have a question about a rat-aardvark marriage than a man-man marriage.)
Like many cartoons, Arthur is filled with Weird — charming Weird and delightful Weird. Animals who dress in clothes, who go to school, who walk on their hind legs, who talk. Yep, plenty of weird. However, regarding the wedding — the couple walking down the aisle, the joy in the room, the lively dancing — it’s a marriage, and there’s nothing weird about marriage. Mr. Ratburn and Patrick are deeply in love, committed and devoted. They’re choosing to spend their lives together.
In my (small and unscientific) sample of kids who saw that Arthur episode, I heard of not one alarmed child (although, to be fair, nobody’s shoelaces were untied).
How wonderful that so many children were invited to celebrate with Mr. Ratburn and Patrick, and to share their happiness.
