The Day I Finally Admitted I Was A Transgender Female
It took me 64 years
I remember the day I finally admitted and accepted the fact that I am a transgender female. I have always known I was different and felt I was in the wrong body, but I did not want to admit that to myself. I did not have the courage to even consider it. I was born a boy, after all, and had spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I was a boy.
I have suffered from depression all my life and really never understood why. I was severely bullied for about three years by an entire group of boys in my neighborhood. I was nine years old when it started and twelve when my parents finally decided to move to get me away from it. I know that has to be a big part of my depression, but I suffered from depression before that too.
I have always felt my father thought differently of me after that, although he never really said it. The bullying was, and continues to be, a significant part of my life and it is never far from my thoughts. I have no doubt it has played a big part in who I am today, even though I knew and felt I was different before the bullying. My very supportive wife is unable to understand how I feel about the bullying as she never went through it. My only response is until a person has walked in my shoes they will never understand.
After I retired from the sheriff’s department, I started to suffer from depression, for which I am sure PTSD is a contributing factor.
I have been subjected to many awful things during my life that no human should have to witness, so my wife and I agreed I should seek counseling. I was lucky enough to have VA benefits and began to have weekly sessions with my counselor. Dr F was just the best, and I really looked forward to my sessions with her. We talked about many things I was not able to talk to my wife about, including my desire to wear women's clothing. It was just good to get these things out. During one of my sessions, she told me she was pregnant and going on maternity leave. I would be seeing another counselor, Dr B, for several weeks until she returned.
I was a little reluctant to see another counselor and talk to her about the things I find to be very personal. That, and I did not want to rehash what I had already talked to Dr F about.
However, the first time I saw Dr B, my apprehension disappeared. Dr B had read my record and knew everything I had talked to my regular counselor about. She picked right up from our last session with my primary counselor. We spoke about my cross dressing and how it felt when I dressed as a woman. She listened and asked questions and at the end of my session we both sat quietly.
I could see her deep in thought.
She looked at me, smiled, and told me she believed I was transgender. I sat stunned not sure what to think or say. I knew inside I wanted to be a girl, but transgender? It was something I had never even thought of. She just looked at me, not saying anything but looking for a response from me. I was trying to process what she had just said when she asked me what I thought.
I finally admitted to myself she was right, replying, “Do you really think so?”
“I know so!” she said.
It was her last appointment of the day, so she allowed me to sit and further process what she had just told me. It’s funny, because I knew she was right. I looked at her, and for the first time in my life I admitted to her I was born in the wrong body, and that inside, I was a woman.
I am unable to describe the feeling I had at the time I finally admitted that I was really a woman. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from my body. It was a feeling of weightlessness, acceptance and happiness all in one.
I was finally being true to myself. It only took me 64 years to admit who I was. This past January 2022 I finished the hardest, yet greatest, journey of my life and finished my transition from male to female with bottom surgery. I finally feel like the person I have always felt I was. I am as happy as I have ever been in my life.
