This Trans Woman Who Stayed Married Loves Parenting
I was put on this earth to be a parent
Last week I wrote about how I Stayed Married After My Transgender Transition. I mentioned I loved parenting, so I figured I’d better write more about that, starting from when I was an 18-year-old sailor in love with a beautiful girl.
My girlfriend was a pregnant single woman in the Navy in the early 80’s. She said, “I don’t want to wear a maternity uniform until we are married.” So, off we went to the realtor around the corner. A realtor? Their Yellow Pages ad offered weddings too! Were weddings good for business?
We didn’t ask questions, we just grabbed my brother-in-law and my wife’s co-worker. The realtor wanted like 20 bucks to marry us, but I tipped him $100. A church wedding had zero appeal to either of us. No honeymoon either. We were poor and young.
Our first child arrived at the hospital at NTC (Naval Training Center) Orlando. My wife had elevated levels of something so they admitted her. I got the call at about 4 am. A lady on the phone said, “Your wife is in labor and will be having a baby soon.” I thanked her and asked her to let me know when it was born.
Then I rolled over to go back to sleep.
Gotcha! The fog lifted right away, and I dashed out of bed and off to the hospital. The birthing experience at the Navy hospital is not exactly cozy. I was told where to stand, away from the whole thing. A cranky old dude came in and, without warning, cut her down there. Episiotomy, as I found out later. I’m not one of those folks who could be a surgeon, but I was determined to hang in there.
The baby arrived and was carted off. The local anesthetic they gave my wife started wearing off during the stitching her up and she was squirming. The cranky old dude said, “Mrs. Whitemore, if you don’t stop moving we will have to start this whole thing over again.” By that time I was pale and sweaty and doing what I like to call “The Cobra.” I wasn’t drunk at 5:30 am, of course, but I was about to pass out and when somebody asked me if I was alright, I said yes.
The doctor seemed pissed about women serving in the Navy or about being woken up early, probably both. He was not a nice man.
We tried putting our firstborn into daycare on base, but that was a bad option. My wife would send 8 diapers and we would get 7 back. She came to me crying about how our daughter was going to call someone else mommy and how bad the childcare was. So, I quit my job at A&M pest control and stayed at home with my daughter.
I was 20. No one gave me a manual or anything. No cell phones to text questions, just a kid and a human life. This was 1983; men didn’t do such things. The look I got when I told my boss what I was doing was pure confusion. Despite the odds, the child survived and is thriving 38 years later.
Our second and third children came into the world, as Cat Stevens put in, in the usual way. I do remember getting steak and lobster at Winter Park Memorial Hospital. My wife doesn’t eat seafood, BONUS!
Our fourth child is a boy, and like a lot of boys, didn’t want to leave his mommy. They had to induce labor. Folks, that is the way to go. All of that water-breaking drama and stuff doesn’t happen when you induce. My son was born on schedule with plenty of notice. Also at Winter Park. For this birth, my wife got an epidural. Game changer! Do this if it’s available. She got a tubal ligation at the same time, having decided four was enough. I was kinda bummed. I always wanted a herd.
I got really indignant when someone would say, “Kept on going until you had a boy, huh?” So insulting. Frequently I would retort, “And what’s wrong with my girls?”
After my wife was honorably discharged at the end of her tour, we decided she would stay home and be a mommy. She was and still is the best mother imaginable. She has an internal calm that is truly amazing. I did what needed to be done in order to feed, clothe and house four kids. I worked a LOT, which incidentally is a great way to keep gender dysphoria at bay.
Our children were reared like most children. Something was always going on. School plays and softball. Lots and lots of softball. My oldest was MVP two years in a row in high school . My other kids lost interest eventually. All our attention focused on these four wonderful humans.
Somebody asked me once how my children felt about my transition. Well, my oldest thinks it’s a mid life crisis or something but is mostly accepting. My second oldest thinks gender is a social construct and society needs to lighten up a bit.
She gave me my first gender-affirming gift for Christmas a year after I came out. Nail polish! I ugly cried and had to excuse myself. That simple act was so amazing. She knew my wife, especially back then, wasn’t a big Kitty fan. My second ugly cry came on my birthday when all my kids got together to give me what I asked for, a jewelry box.
My youngest daughter was killed in a car crash. That deserves its own entire article. Suffice it to say I will never ever ever get over it. Ever.
My son is a wonderful man, and since we work together daily, he has to hear all kinds of trans stuff. He is a progressive and knows I would never choose to be like this. I only stay on at my job because he has social anxiety and finds dealing with customers stressful. I on the other hand love talking to anyone about anything. (Can you tell?)
I am nowhere near as physically strong as I used to be. I haven’t lost much definition, but I am so much weaker. I noticed it first when 5-gallon buckets became crazy heavy. A customer who “read me” once asked, “How does your son feel about your transition?”
I told the simple truth. “He’s cool about it.”
My son laughed when I told him about the conversation. He said, “It would be more than a little awkward if I did have a problem, since we work together.”
Now I have a grandson, and like most kids today, he’s aware of what transgender is. And he’s ok with it. He faded away from me for a bit when Grams used to yell at me and I would occasionally yell back. But as my wife calmed down, he has come back to me. I was really involved in his upbringing. His father is a jerk and wasn’t allowed visitation for a long time. So I taught him all of the stuff I knew about throwing, catching, fighting, swimming and surfing.
I worked nights when he was young, so we had all day to do fun stuff. I was frequently a bit tired, but I was born to do this. I would really love to volunteer at a children’s charity or something, but girls like me are not welcome everywhere.
When my oldest daughter would go with my grandson and me to splash parks and such, folks would often say something about my “lovely wife” and child. I look young for my age, but I found that creepy, so I always wore something that had “grandparent” on it.
As for how my grandson feels about trans folks, I think this may shine a light on the subject: He and I have been nursing a sick ghost pepper plant back to health. The plant is now re-growing leaves and seems to be on track to produce more peppers than I can eat or give away. When I told my grandson, “He’s going to make a full recovery,” he replied, “So you’re assuming the plant’s gender?” The kid’s freaking 12! So, yeah. I am almost universally accepted and loved.
I don’t ascribe to the theory that my responsibility to my children ended when they turned 18. I think parenting is a lifetime calling.
By the way, I am a terrible secret keeper so I told folks what I knew about myself when I knew it. My wife knew what I thought I knew, that I was a crossdresser. I could tell someone had been through my things more than once, so at least one of the kids knew. Plus I got walked in on a couple of times in varying states of femininity. My second oldest daughter saw a bra under my top once and said, “Do you feel pretty?” I said yes and asked her if she felt better after saying that. She knew she was out of line and called me a f***in’ a**hole. We laughed. My youngest daughter saw me once with lipstick stains on my lips. She started to say something, then just went “oh,” smiled and went about her business.
I sometimes think about how my life would have gone if I transitioned earlier. I would not have met five of the most wonderful people in the world. I don’t regret, now is my time, and my kids are on board. I’m still working on my wife. I’ll never give up. I’m not here to say I was a perfect parent, but what I know with all my being is that I was put on this earth to be a parent and now a grandparent. I never say this out loud, but I think both my wife and I believe that we don’t want to divorce because that would be uncomfortable for our children. It sucked for me when my parents divorced. I wouldn’t stay in an abusive relationship, but I believe personal feelings are secondary to our shared parenting responsibilities.
Love, Kitty
