To My Lesbian Siblings Confused By Trans Women
From a mildly cranky middle-aged dyke
I’ve been reading and hearing all sorts of things about people who are transgender from my lesbian siblings, and, as a mildly cranky middle-aged dyke, I thought it was my turn to respond, you know, sister to sister.
I hear a lot of complaints and concerns from cisgender lesbians who refuse to sleep with trans women that they are being called transphobic. Some lesbians feel they are required to sleep with trans women.
Let’s talk about sex
This situation makes me think cisgender lesbians have trans women hassling them for sex all the time. I’d like to know why trans women are not hassling me for sex. I’m a cisgender lesbian. I’m cute. Okay, I’m in a monogamous marriage, but I don’t think that should deter anyone from approaching me.
I was feeling badly about this situation until I realized trans women are, for the most part, not aggressively pursuing cisgender lesbians.
I do wonder if some lesbians are answering a question they haven’t been asked.
I once wrote a speech in high school about how I wasn’t interested in having immortality. That speech was stupid, mostly because I was saying no to something that wasn’t on offer.
As for the accusation that you are transphobic if you don’t have sex with trans women, you may be, but people say all sorts of things that aren’t really true. I once had Boy George tell me I knew nothing about homosexuality. Weird, but it didn’t bother me because it wasn’t true. I’m not sure who’s accusing you, but maybe it bothers you because it’s true? The truth can really hurt.
Inner beauty
The other thing that confuses me about the anti-trans stance of some lesbians is that so many of them also espouse that they’re not interested in “physical beauty.” They only see “inner beauty.” First of all, inner beauty by definition can’t be seen. Anyone who says they only date based on “inner beauty” is lying, but if what’s on the outside isn’t important when dating a cisgender woman it shouldn’t be important all of a sudden with a trans woman, many of whom have loads of inner beauty. You say you can see people’s inner beauty. Prove it.
I am woman hear me roar
Let’s talk about the concept of “women-born-women.” I know some events limit attendance to people in this category, but there’s no such thing. No one is born a woman. Some women are born female. Many of us become women. For some it’s harder than for others. For me, I questioned my gender for about 30 seconds sophomore year of high school because I was crushing on girls. I quickly concluded I was female and became a woman with time and experience. Do you know what some people go through to become a woman? Some have surgery, electrolysis, and voice training. For some becoming a woman is a lot of work. Respect the work.
Want to swim in the alphabet soup?
And about work, when I came out in the late ’80s, everyone was gay, and we were just starting to use the word queer. Lesbians rightfully fought for and mostly won the fight to have the word lesbian as a part of the name and/or description of gay rights groups. We felt our needs were getting lost, overlooked, and overwhelmed by the needs of white gay men. People argued against that, saying it was unnecessary to specifically mention lesbians and that our complaints about sexism distracted from the gay rights movement. (Excuse me, I just gagged from the memory, but I digress.)
Now I hear some of those same complaints about including bisexuals and transgender folk and asexuals and agender people in our beautiful chaotic diverse community. Lesbians, in particular, complain that we are lost in the alphabet soup. I don’t feel lost. I’m hopeful for more people who have a stake in our struggle, who will help with the work, who will help us all find our way.
While some lesbians feel lost in the alphabet soup, others also feel inclusive language like “people who menstruate” and “birthing people” erases women. I disagree. This language includes a range of gender presentations. It also doesn’t exclude women who no longer menstruate or didn’t have children from identifying as women. I never had children. Within the next few years, I will stop menstruating. I am still a woman. And let’s not forget that the feminist movement has long fought for women to not be seen or respected just for our baby-making capabilities or lack thereof. This language is in step with that fight.
Do you always have to choose a side?
But enough about trans women, let’s talk about non-binary lesbians, which triggers all sorts of eye rolls. There’s actually long standing feminist precedent of embracing the lesbian identity while rejecting woman identity because it is viewed as existing in reference to men. I know it’s more complicated than that, but before you criticize other people’s identities, you should know your history.
Let them eat cake
But the most intriguing aspect of the conflict between cisgender lesbians and trans women is the concept that one group is much more powerful than the other, like there’s some lesbian cabal that has President Biden on speed dial. Or maybe it’s a trans cabal that has Nancy Pelosi on speed dial?
So, my sisters, hear me out. Maintain your focus. You don’t have to sleep with anybody, and no one has to sleep with you. We have been marginalized, and we are fighting other marginalized people over crumbs while those who own the cake factory can barely hear us buzzing in their ear. Lesbians are not the enemy. People who are transgender are not the enemy. Those who seek to convince us that we should fight each other are the enemy. We are and have always been gender outlaws. Our accomplices are and have always been other gender outlaws.
When I was a member of Queer Nation, I used to chant “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.”
A good chunk of the population has gotten used to some of us, but our work is not done. My new slogan is, “No one left behind.”
And by no one I mean no one, not trans women, not non-binary lesbians, not cisgender lesbians. No one. Do not be distracted by fights over crumbs or other stupid stuff. Let us all be accomplices in the good fight.
