Crystal Meth Addiction Shaped Me Into the Gay Man I Am Today
3 Experiences that have transformed me
As a soon-to-be 32-year-old gay man, I’ve been blessed with many life-altering experiences. Getting called “faggot” for the first time at 11 destroyed my confidence with peers. The first time I watched porn at 13 changed me because it planted the seed for my body dysmorphia. At 14, I was told I would burn in hell for all eternity for the first time, and it made me despise organized religion. So, I decided to turn my back on faith.
But three life-changing moments came from deeply traumatic experiences. At the time, I considered each one the most devastating thing to have ever happened to me. But now, I see each one as an invaluable teacher.
1st:
November 19th, 2013, at 2:08 am — the first time I tried Crystal meth. It was in a sexual setting, and I instantly developed co-addiction with drugs and lust. In less than one year, I would end up checking myself into rehab. I contracted five different STIs and betrayed the trust of everyone I Loved.
I lost so much weight that my friends and family thought I either had late-stage AIDS or cancer. My sunken eyes and visible ribcage rightfully gave off that impression. It got to the point that I could in no way control my using or pretend that life wasn’t crumbling between my fingers.
When I check into rehab, 12-step programs were immediately shoved down my throat. Having unprocessed religious Trauma, this was the last thing I wanted to hear. But on day 12, I eagerly went to church — because that was the only time I could get off that fucking compound. I made my way to the front row with rolled eyes and a dismissive attitude. But despite the chip on my shoulder Divine Intertervention sent an epiphany.
Instead of being the messiah, what if Jesus was simply a brilliant philosopher? One whose moral conduct could actually help me change my life.
Instantly that thought opened my mind to the possibility of actually listening to what the pastor was saying. I don’t remember the passage or sermon, but that day changed my willingness to listen to people talk about God.
2nd:
January 4th, 2016 — absolute rock bottom. I almost drowned in my bathtub while having a seizure. That, paired with crippling anxiety for the next two weeks, made me hate being alive.
Every second was a living nightmare. Every demon that I had ever faced was screaming in my head, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. It was in those weeks where I dropped to my knees and begged anything that was listening: “God, I have no idea if you’re out there, but if you are, please help. I am willing to do anything to change my life, so I never have to feel this way again!”
Mercy did not come as a burning bush, nor did I even see any change for weeks. But what was important was that I dropped to my knees and asked for help. With pride as the number one delta (a word I use instead of character defect), this act of humility was the biggest demonstration I could make.
Life did get better after putting in a considerable amount of time in 12-step meetings and working the steps. I made friends with people who understood my crazy and didn’t make me feel judged for that. They truly did love me until I learned to Love myself.
3rd:
This moment happened on September 29th, 2016, at 7:47 am. I had 8 months sober under my belt and was on the tenth step — which talks about doing daily reflections and admitting fault when wronging others — and life was okay. I was in sober living, worked for a very stressful real estate agent, and couldn’t see what the future looked like.
I got to work early and had a few quiet moments in my car. While reflecting, I realized that I never did a sincere third step because of my unchecked God baggage. The step says, “Made made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”
So I decided to talk into the void.
“Okay, God, I don’t know if you’re out there, but if you are, I surrender. I’m tired of trying to arrange my life. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know what to do. I’m done. You take over.”
Three hours later, I got a phone call that changed my life. It was from a shoestring acquaintance asking me if I wanted to interview for a coordinator position at his ASL interpreting agency.
My undergraduate degree is in Deaf Studies, and I thought I would never be able to use it. That phone call proved to me that there is Something out there listening. And I chose to call that something Love.
Love is the most potent force in the universe. I don’t care how many people say that statement is naive or idealistic. I know what is true for me! And today, I no longer have faith; I have something far more powerful — KNOWING.
A lot has happened in the past five years, so please do not think that life has been easy. I’ve relapsed hard, ended an engagement, and written my suicide note.
Nothing is perfect. Just because I have Knowing doesn’t mean I’m protected from the messy bits of the human experience. But what it does is give me indescribable comfort, knowing that this life is not the end.
I rest easy every night, knowing that whenever Death comes to collect me, we will walk holding hands into the great mystery.
