Transgender Insecurity: The Baseball Bat of Gender Dysphoria
I will shake off my anger and fear.
For 60 years I hid behind a wall of masculinity. Testosterone and strict male socialization over decades made the walls high and thick. It took 60 years to breach them. I have tried over over the last five years to deny that I am transgender…entirely to myself. Everyone else that I have told seems to accept it faster than me.
I am amazingly stubborn.
The battle between my female gender and my lifetime of male socialization, when combined with a global attack on transgender women, has created in me a titanic battle for control of my future. It has been the constant theme of my writing here on Medium.
It makes me so sad that I get angry, regularly. Maybe that is my male response to losing control.
I am stuck living male for my job and for family reasons. They are valid and very important to me, important enough that I have chosen to try and moderate my transition. At least once a month I go out with a friend as Emma. It lets me breath after holding my female breath for weeks.
Each time, my friend takes a photo of me when we are strolling around Manhattan. It gives me a photographic journal of my journey. I still need them as continued validation and the…
