Oct 27, 2021
What (Closeted) Trans Women Do But Should Not Do
About Transition Timelines and other things
Speaking from experience here, I can’t confirm that outed trans women do this either, but I can’t imagine it ever stopping.
What am I talking about?
As we all know, there is everything on the internet. And by that I really mean everything. But we don’t need to go from one extreme to the other here, we are talking about transition timelines. These exist on various sites, including Reddit. And stupid as I am, I have subscribed to various ones in my feed reader, so that my smartphone immediately flashes up when someone posts a new transition timeline picture.
But what exactly is a transition timeline?
It exists in text form, in which transwomen, transmen and all other transpeople describe how, for example, hormones or other changes affect their psyche and body. There are also timelines in picture form, sometimes even very explicit. There it is not uncommon for some to show their breasts. With that they usually ask where they are on the so-called Tanner scale.
I look at things like that, I read through them. In the process, I experience dysphoria attacks that couldn’t be worse. On the other hand, I go through other emotional states. Envy that grips me. Fear of what would happen if I went that far. And much more.
The main reason why I look at this and read through it is simply envy. When I see what hormones alone are capable of, I wish I could finally start doing that too. And even if it’s just the smallest changes in the face, any small, striking change would ease my suffering. But I don’t. I don’t go that far. Instead, I torture myself with admiring and envying others.
Cis and trans people are not that different
Where we come to a point that cis people simply don’t know, or at least not in that form. Never would a cis man look at a trans woman’s transition timeline and wish it were the same for him. Nor, of course, the other way round. Cis people compare themselves to the same gender. Models are used and the feelings are very similar. Then there is this envy, this disappointment why one doesn’t look like that oneself.
No wonder. We live in a world full of false images. Full of Instagram-perfect photoshopped bodies. Young girls half-destroy themselves to look like their idols. Men get everything out of themselves in the gym. We trans people and cis people are not so different. Everyone wants something different, no one is really 100% satisfied. If you are, I’m infinitely happy for you, really.
Some time ago I saw a picture of a trans woman about 8 years older than me. I will never forget this. They are so-called goals for me, what I want to achieve. She didn’t have the model measurements like Instagram and Co. want us to believe. No, she was just beautiful. To get even close to that would finally make me a little happy again.
This is how I spend my “free time”
That and much more, which I haven’t even begun to talk about, is what trans people do in their free time, which is never really free. Never is the mind 100% free. For that we burden ourselves with such information. And I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong therapy for me, but I do it. And somehow I am grateful that there are these wonderful people who share their experiences with us. That is not a matter of course. That is your palpable pride. And somehow that makes me a bit more happy than sad.
Therefore, thank you!
