We Haven’t Come as Far as We Might Think
Wishing the Gay Away: An Observation on How We Got Here
“Teach Your Children Who to Hate”
People questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity often feel a sense of obligation to others to choose a letter from the “menu” (LGBTQIA+). It’s frequently based on a belief that if we are unlucky enough to be anything other than binary and heterosexual we are inherently defective, a belief influenced by both external and internal forces.
Starting in childhood, we learn from our families, teachers, friends, and the media acceptable ways of expressing our gender and sexuality. The cultural mores that define these norms are based on a stubborn maintenance of the status quo masquerading as “tradition”.
Q: “Daddy, why can’t I be a ballerina?”
A: “Because ballet is for girls.”
Many of us, especially of a certain generation, go along with this, suppressing our own identity, in part, because we want to fit in. This happens when we don’t have the tools to be OK not fitting in. We learn from external sources that we should feel outraged, or at least uncomfortable, with ourselves/others if we/they fall outside a specifically defined range of female, male, straight, gay, bi, questioning, asexual, aromantic etc. We learn how much we should hate ourselves, if we are unlucky enough to buy into the idea that we should hate ourselves.
“Teach your children who to hate,” a line from the now-controversial Buffy St. Marie (which I think she borrowed from Bob Dylan) seems to refer to our upbringing, specifically the messages we get from our parents, guardians or others we look up to. They teach us how we should behave and what they and society expect of us, who we are permitted to be. By example and instruction, they also teach us what emotions we are allowed to acknowledge, express, and/or discuss, and which ones are off-limits. There are many instructors who teach us who and how to hate others and ourselves.
The person whose gender assigned at birth as female but is male instinctively knows he’d better keep his mouth shut about it on the playground or he will be rejected/bullied/beaten up. Even though he may not know quite what it is, he realizes, because of what he is taught, that there is something wrong with him, and he can’t “fix” it. This is reinforced by verbal or nonverbal negative feedback from his parents/guardians, and he proceeds to seek approval by exceeding their expectations in some other area, for which they lovingly praise him. But his brain has already become wired for negative self-talk and self-loathing.
Rejecting, distorting, or ignoring any core element of our humanity is a sure-fire recipe for messed up relationships, poor self-esteem, overcompensation and/or development of self-destructive coping mechanisms.
One example is the closeted gay male politician who introduces and supports transphobic or homophobic legislation and who insist he’s straight, even after being arrested for soliciting sex from a male cop in a public bathroom. He possibly wanted to be heterosexual badly enough that he found ways of shoving down the gay. If this was the case with former Senator Larry Craig in his “wide stance” (remember that?), being straight would be a lie that he may have actually believed. Or it could have just been a plain old lie, who knows.
While writing this piece, my husband and I met with an attorney to work on our estate planning. She was very personable and genuinely seemed to care. This somehow made it worse when she referred to us as “husband and wife.” Since I have been thinking about the issues addressed in this article, I was able to take a step back and look more objectively at what had happened. She probably had a spiel that she gave to all her clients, most of which, apparently, were heterosexual and binary. She made an honest mistake that I genuinely believe had no malice whatsoever behind it. She wasn’t trying to marginalize or shame us.
Despite that, I had a visceral emotional reaction, one that surprised me. I felt deeply saddened and a little ashamed. She kept talking and I didn’t correct her. Why didn’t I correct her? I felt powerless again. Looking back on it, I’m able to see what was happening inside. It was the same learned emotional response that I had growing up and in adulthood to survive. Outing myself by correcting her, even though it was obvious we were a couple, meant/didn’t mean putting myself in danger of emotional or physical violence. I didn’t need this fear anymore, but it was so deeply ingrained in me that it remains.
My husband corrected her. He said, “Husband and husband.” She was embarrassed and put her hands over her face. She said, “I’m so sorry.” As she returned to the subject at hand, I couldn’t get rid of the sadness, and I found it difficult to look at her.
I need to be more vigilant about my own emotional responses to inadvertent (or purposeful) micro-aggressions and tell myself I don’t need to be sad or fearful anymore. Thankfully, I live in a blue state where there has been no outcry against drag story hours at libraries and no publicized refusals by bakers to make cakes for gay weddings. But this can always change, and unfortunately I’ll be ready for it when and if it does. I wish I weren’t.
