Forget Seneca. Buy children’s books.
A big draw of the current stoicism craze seems to be their approach to emotional regulation. Though at first it sounded to me like the goal was to repress emotions, I have learned the error of my ways — their goal is to moderate emotions.
The thing about emotional regulation is, the best resources are geared toward kids. Once you turn 18, you’re on your own. There are very few tools to help adults navigate and understand their emotions and how to regulate them. So using tools geared towards toddlers and little kids is not such a bad idea: the concepts are the same, just in a digestible language.
If you are 20 years old or older, chances are you weren’t taught about your feelings as a child. Starting at around 12 months old (usually closer to 18 months), kids start dealing with big feelings, but they still don’t have the words to express them. They might still be working through the fear of separation. Babies, through stages, go from realizing they are not one with mom, to learning that they are separate from the world. They are also dealing with having learned so much, but still not being independent. Just like a teenager, they feel that since they are walking and have learned fifty words, they should also drive the car and manage the family’s budget. 18 months old is, in my humble opinion, “the worst” age: they have the highest ratio of physical ability (they can usually run and climb) to judgment (language is only forming at this stage).
These are the conditions that more or less make up the “terrible twos”, the “threenagers” and the “freaking fours”, that child psychology now helps us navigate. If you are like me and had a childhood marred by negligence, you too might feel ill equipped for parenthood (or for adulthood). But fear not, there’s child psychology and science in book and even TV form, coming to our aid. If you want to put in the work, there are many amazing tools available to help you in your quest for emotional regulation while staying away from torture bootcamps.
When kids are navigating emotional outbursts, you are supposed to walk them through the experience and put words to what they are feeling. “It looks like you are feeling frustrated because the square shape doesn’t fit the triangle hole. Would you like to take a breath and try again? Would it be a good idea to use our eyes before we use our hands? Take a big breath so you can feel better.” Or maybe it can go like this “It looks like you are really sad because you wanted to stay at Maddie’s house a little longer. I know, I like Maddie too, she’s such a fun friend. We will see her again soon. Would you like to drink a little water now? Would that make you feel a little better?”
Emotions are not mere irrational reactions: they exist to give us information about the world, about different situations, and about ourselves. The best way to moderate them is to listen to them and to understand them, so they don’t need to become so loud to begin with. There are many children’s books to both help kids put words to their emotions and to help parents in their shepherding role. But you can be the shepherd of your own emotions too, if you have the tools and the language.
Being the parent of a toddler is like being an emotional sherpa. Since I grew up without any emotional literacy, I sought as much advice and knowledge as I could so I could be a good captain to my kid’s ship. I hired San Francisco’s top child psychologist so she could help us welcome our second baby in a way that would be harmonious for our first. I worked with experts who do science-based research on child development and took every parenting class they recommended. I bought all the books — so many books! Reading these books to my kids is always enlightening. It has helped a lot with understanding my own feelings and it has helped me in regulating them (moderating them?).
These books are written in a way that might be aimed at two year olds, but they are very exact and insightful. Going through them is powerful, and they usually provide exercises and practices to help you move past difficult emotions. So give it a try, read some of them. They are pithy guides, and they are beautiful objects. If you don’t have kids, you can always pass them on to a nephew or donate them to a public library.
Here’s a list of some of our favorites. These are not affiliate links, and we own all of the books I’m recommending.
A little SPOT of emotion box set. This box set includes books on anger, anxiety, sadness, love, happiness,, confidence, calm. In general, when we talk about emotional regulation, the goal is not to be excited or overjoyed, but to find peace, calm, and focus. I found the book on anxiety to be particularly informative.
I AM book series. This book series doesn’t center exactly on emotional regulation, but it has been one of the most helpful for us. They do walk through loneliness, fear, unfairness. They are well written and they are gorgeous, too.
Teach your dragon about feelings. This book is really good at explaining situations we face frequently, and the accompanying emotions. It offers a few coping mechanisms too. Don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s a preschooler book: it’s meaty and meaningful. Maybe you’ll want to buy the dino plushie, too, to snuggle while you read.
My body sends a signal. The story walks you through many emotions and shows you what it feels like to experience those emotions and how to manage them. It’s a very insightful book and it also grants you access to resources like emotions cards and feelings cards.
An emotional menagerie. This is a beautiful poetry book. I personally don’t love all the writing in it, but it’s beautiful to parse and to own. The art is stunning. This book is less of a knowledge trove and more of a space for contemplation.
Slumberkins. Slumberkins offers great books and tons of youtube content and has an Apple TV+ show. Each little story, starring a different little animal, describes a situation or a personality, and shows ways to resolve them in a positive way. The books include affirmations that are actually useful and profound. My favorite characters are Yak (self-acceptance for perfectionists), Ibex (emotional courage) and Yeti (mindfulness).
Zones of regulation. This is the emotional regulation bible. This book is used by occupational therapists, psychologists, child development specialists and educators alike. It’s the ultimate resource to understanding your emotions and creating a structure that helps you regulate them and yourself. It’s pricey but it’s also really hard to find, so if you want it, pony up. You won’t regret it. This book is useful for anyone working with people: managers, leaders, teachers, parents. It can also help you gain a deeper understanding of your inside world. You are your own manager, after all.
