Why you CAN’T Leave an Abusive Relationship, TRAUMA BONDING — Stephanie Lyn
Stephanie Lyn Coaching Summary
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Why you CAN’T Leave an Abusive Relationship, TRAUMA BONDING — Stephanie Lyn
Stephanie Lyn Coaching Summary
APR 19, 2024
Understanding Trauma Bonding in Abusive Relationships
Stephanie is a life and relationship coach. Each week, she posts videos covering a range of topics including narcissistic and emotional abuse, learning to love yourself for the first time, and healing from past relationships and moving on in a healthy way. In this video, discusses that feeling of being stuck in an abusive relationship.
You might be in a relationship where you feel trapped. You know you need to leave, but can’t. Perhaps you have left before, but keep going back. You feel as though you’re on a hamster wheel, continuously running but not getting anywhere. In this video she talks about trauma bonding and the reasons why we can’t seem to get off that hamster wheel. This videos also dives into why we often feel stuck when logically, we know we should not be in the relationship, and how to stop the abusive cycle once and for all.
She believes it’s crucial to understand why we’re energetically connected to people, i.e., why we have this trauma bond and why we often struggle to leave the relationship. This goes way beyond fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, or personal insecurities. It has a lot to do with understanding the reasons why we can stay stuck in relationships for many years — relationships that we know are not good for us. Logically, we understand all of these things, but for some reason, we can’t seem to act.
The Impact of Unhealthy Bonding on Relationships
This is not about what could have been. It’s not about looking back in hindsight nor berating yourself for not trusting your intuition about this person. When you know better, you do better. You’re learning, and even if you had initial intuitive vibes about this person that you ignored, perhaps you weren’t equipped to listen at the time. This conversation is not to blame or judge you. Rather, it’s to delve into the core reasons why you’re so ensnared in this relationship.
So, what is trauma bonding? We all understand the concept of bonding in relationships. For instance, a mother bonds skin-to-skin with her child. We bond with everyone we have a relationship with through shared lives, experiences, love, trust, intimacy, conversations, children, and marriage.
When we share our lives with others, we form bonds with them. However, who we choose to form these bonds with is a different matter. If we are not healthy, whole, or unsure of how to love ourselves, we may not know how to select the right people in our lives. As a result, we might end up bonding with abusive, unhealthy, and toxic individuals who are detrimental to our wellbeing. This is often due to internal wounds that we haven’t healed or addressed. These unresolved wounds ultimately influence who we bond with and it’s often someone who is abusive and unhealthy.
The process of bonding, whether stemming from trauma or not, is a biological event. As it’s somewhat beyond our control, it can make leaving a relationship challenging due to the shared experiences and intimacy with the other person.
If we haven’t established healthy standards or understand what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like, we may form bonds with people we shouldn’t. Breaking these bonds, regardless of who they are with, is always a challenge.
Recognizing Trauma Bonding and Its Impact
Your body does not always recognize when it is bonding with someone unhealthy. A trauma bond forms when we bond with someone who is abusive or toxic for us. Trauma bonding happens gradually, over time, often due to emotional abuse. This occurs because of certain blueprints of relationships programmed into our subconscious since childhood. It doesn’t necessarily have to be severe physical abuse, it could be emotional abuse that we’ve witnessed between our parents. This becomes our understanding of what a normal relationship looks like. However, unless we are mindful of what our blueprints look like, we won’t be able to change it. As we age, we often don’t recognize abuse as we lack self-love and don’t know how to stand up for ourselves or set boundaries.
Signs of trauma bonding in a relationship include constantly going back to an abusive partner, or when your family and friends notice a change in your personality or begin questioning your relationship. These are potential warning signs of a trauma-bonding situation but are not definitive proof.
A key symptom of trauma bonding is a belief in the goodness of the abusive individual, often due to occasional glimpses of good behavior or love bombing. Even when the abuser’s behavior is inconsistent, the victim often maintains hope for change. However, it’s crucial to be realistic and recognize when the glimpses of goodness are mere manipulation. It’s not easy to accept that the person you fell in love with was not real or could be using manipulation tactics on you. Remember, believing in the goodness of people is a positive trait, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of personal well-being. You must believe what you see and acknowledge the person’s true behavior.
The Cycle of Trauma Bonding
It is challenging to accept the person standing in front of you. I am not aiming to downplay the severity of this. What is necessary is understanding that while you may believe this person is good, they might not be showing that. It is important to remember the adage: “when people show you who they are, believe them.”
When you love yourself and know your worth, you will hold people in your life to a high standard. It doesn’t mean trusting every person you come across or giving your all to everyone you meet or date. You should not project your desires onto someone else, but rather, allow them to reveal their character. Based on that, you then decide if this person matches your expectations for a partner, spouse, or family member.
This process isn’t about seeking perfection, but rather setting a minimum standard to be in your life, something many of us fail to do. We often accept whatever comes our way because we were not taught to love ourselves, or that it’s perfectly fine to have standards. If someone doesn’t meet your standards, they may need to be removed from your life.
One of the most important things to understand about trauma bonding is that it manifests similarly to a drug addiction. Your body, hormones, and chemicals go through the same highs and lows that drug addicts experience. When these lows hit, it is often accompanied by a strong pull towards the person causing the trauma. It’s like a constant cycle of feeling good and bad, and the bad times often draw us back to the person, perpetuating the cycle.
Understanding this is crucial; what you’re feeling is more than just a bond with someone — it’s akin to a drug addiction. To break free from this, you have to acknowledge that it’s not going to be easy.
How can this traumatic cycle be stopped? Firstly, accept that what you’re experiencing is an addiction, acknowledge the abusive reality of your relationship, and realize that the person you’re with or trying to leave is not the person you thought they were. Whether they’re narcissistic, emotionally abusive, or highly manipulative, it’s important to recognize when the metaphorical mask falls off, and you see either who they truly are, or the wounds they bear.
Acceptance also involves realizing that breaking free from this relationship is going to be tough. However, it is imperative to remember that someone else has likely gone through a more strenuous situation — not to make you feel bad, but to encourage you, to show you that it is possible to leave.
Choosing Happiness, Self-Love, and Self-Worth
The next step is deciding that you want to be happy, and that to find this happiness means leaving the relationship. Achieving happiness requires hard work. It might mean seeking a new job, changing your appearance, or just wanting a peaceful life. People often say they just want to be happy, without defining what happiness looks like in their life. Happiness won’t happen without taking steps to actively create it.
Do I want to remain single for a while? Do I want to remarry someday? These are questions you must ask yourself. Define what happiness means to you and take small steps every single day. Work on healing your emotional wounds and learn to love yourself. Meditations and affirmations can be helpful tools. What works for one person may not work for another, so try different techniques until you find what best boosts your self-confidence and self-worth.
What are your standards for relationships? Do you even have any standards for letting someone into your life? Prioritize your wants and needs over those of others. This can be a difficult process, as healing codependency requires internal work.
Invest time and effort into personal development and self-love. Healing from emotional trauma is a journey. In fact, many successful entrepreneurs have said that learning to love themselves and deal with emotional issues was harder than achieving career success or wealth. As motivational speaker Les Brown once mentioned, making a million dollars was the easy part compared to the necessary emotional work.
Don’t get discouraged during this process. If you slip up and contact your ex-partner, remember it’s okay. This process can be difficult as it is similar to overcoming addiction. Don’t rush yourself, healing takes time.
Steps to Leaving a Toxic Relationship and Finding Happiness
You are currently breaking an addiction, and I believe most people get overwhelmed when attempting to leave a relationship like this. They get overwhelmed because they’re looking at the overall goal and questioning how to get there. They worry about moving out, finding a job because they’re financially dependent on the person, the children involved, who they won’t see as often, their finances, where they’re going to live or if they’ll ever find anyone again. They worry about all possible negatives outcomes and what they need to do to get away from this person. This can lead to anxiety and feeling stuck.
Instead of focusing on the big picture, focus on the little things. Take it moment by moment. When you feel the urge to return, take care of yourself, nurture yourself. You may feel alone on a Tuesday evening with no plans, and it’s OK to feel down, but use that time to learn how to look after yourself.
Getting through this process means identifying the first small steps: finding a job, having a conversation with your spouse, or even changing the locks on your home. Taking these small steps and living in each moment can lead to happiness. You’ll learn how strong you are, not by overwhelming yourself with the entire task at hand, but by tackling each component. Treat yourself as your best friend going through this process.
Yes, it may be difficult and there may be setbacks, but persist because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a wonderful relationship, to feel peace and contentment. This current relationship is not what you’re looking for and it’s time for it to end.
Going through something traumatic, like a divorce or breakup, makes you learn about yourself, why you were attracted to this person, why you are now in this trauma bond, and why you are now addicted to this pain. Unraveling this may seem scary, but it’s actually an opportunity to understand yourself and learn new skills. This experience will allow you to be a better version of yourself for the next person and in creating the life you really want to live.
