What To Do When Your Therapist Terminates Her Service
Tips to help you nagivate the therapistless world
Kill her, no, don’t. But my therapist did ghost me after my third rescheduled appointment; my comedy shows were more important than my mental health because I’m empathetic and making other people laugh comes before my sanity.
But enough of the oversharing, here is a list of things to do after your therapist has terminated her service and you’ve tried to keep it together.
Cry Your Heart Out
Cry as hard as you possibly can, but not because your therapist left you like everybody else in your life; cry because DMX died. Let the tears flow from your dilated pupils as you sit on the balcony smoking an herbal mix your ex-girlfriend use to make. Slightly lean over the balcony and scream what these bitches want from a nigga?! Only if you’re black. If you’re white, scream Staceys’ mom has got it going on because that’s why you’re crying. You’re crying because you never had a chance to see DMX perform X Gon Give It To Ya. Oh, same for the Fountains of Wayne. Thank God for Google.
Start Hustling
Hustling is the best way to overcome a heavy heart. Just because people do not like you now doesn’t mean it’ll last forever. Get your money up, and then pull up on your therapist while she’s at dinner with her weak-ass emotionally stable boyfriend. They’ve only been dating for three months and seemed to have bonded over your trauma.
Crash Angie’s Seafood, then show your FORMER therapist your bank statements. In the words of Donnell RawlIngs, “I’m rich bitch!” Explain to her you can’t throw any ones because you’re trying to be financially stable. But right before walking out, turn around and yell, “I lied,” then make it rain on her weak ass seafood platter, and then lift your shirt to show a tattoo that says dope ass client.
Unlearn Your Coping Mechanisms
Remove all you have from your old therapist; the text messages, the love letters, and most definitely the coping mechanisms. Every deep breath reminds me of her silk-like skin and golden complexion. So no more deep breathing, all tiny breaths from now on; breathe like you’re a toddler trying to burp. Remove every coping mechanism, and become the toxic narcissist you once were. Blame your new endeavors on the lack of therapy. These tattoo ideas are my ex therapist’s fault, not mine.
Masturbation Overload
Your dopamine is out of whack, so jerk and finger till you’re dead. Your sheets should be wetter than a Steph Curry 4th quarter jump shot.
Act Spitefully
Now it’s time for you to apply to graduate school and get your license as a social worker. Study for six years, get a psychology degree and open a practice right across the street from your FORMER therapist. Steal all her clients because you’re helpful, caring, and practice nude therapy. It may be illegal, but for the three months you’ll be open, it’ll get the job done.
Once her practice has been driven into the ground, she’ll come begging to have you as a client again, and that’s when you say I’ll return, but only if you perform X Gon Give It To Ya!
