He realised that he had to wait for some more time for her to come down again. Meanwhile, he prepared his offering for the River Bhavani. He took a thick leaf and laid down a lamp and some white flowers on it. He approached the river, and with the melting memories in his heart, he placed the leaf over the moving water. The leaf was wavering along with the graceful movements of the Bhavani. The leaf turned, and the lamp, fruits, and the flowers fell into the river and Rajan who was seeing that felt calm for a moment only to realise that nothing can really take away his guilt. While he was standing still with his frozen eyes looking at the moon, his mobile phone rang singing, “Ondrey kulam endru paaduvom…”
Years ago…
The luxuriant green trees which were dancing gracefully to the rhythm of wind signalled the advent of Aadi month in the Tamil calendar which is towards the end of June. The agricultural fields in the Sathyamangalam village with fitful stubbles were sadly looking at the sky to quench their thirst. Unlike the fields, people in the village were exuberant about the upcoming Aadi Perukku festival which marks the eighteenth day of Aadi month. The festival invites people from across the region to gather around the river Bhavani and pay her tributes for being so prosperous and kind. On the banks of Bhavani was living Rajan with his wife and only daughter, Aadhira.
“Then in school and now in college, every time my name comes first in the attendance roll. Why did you name me, Aadhira?” she asked, twisting her eyebrows.
Rajan briefly smiled and took her outside the house. The sky was flawlessly dark except for the moon that was piercing the darkness. He pointed to the big, bright dot hanging on the sky-wall and said, “Look at that moon. When your mother and I were wishing to have our baby, the world had turned almost dark. There was not a single ray of hope. Finally, after all the prayers and medical treatments, you entered our life like this moon, taking away all of our darkness. You are our Aadhira. We couldn’t think of any better name for you, my dear.”
As she heard these words melt in the wind and coated with strokes of love, they reminded her of another important man in her life, her college classmate, Anbu. Thinking of how both these men perceive her as the moon, she suddenly flashed a smile and her fingers moved to tuck the thin falling strands of hair behind the ears. When she was almost lost in Anbu’s memories, Rajan, with his loud voice, brought her attention back and said, “You very well know that Aadi Perukku is approaching. So, why don’t you take a break from college and help your mother in preparing for it?”
Without responding to him, she turned to look at the moon and thought how she can’t do that and how she can’t miss being the moon for both these men. But little did she think that the moon cannot be present all day throughout.
There were sixteen days left for Aadi Perukku. There was an unusual ruckus in the Kongu Welfare Party office about the candidate selection for the upcoming by-elections. Rajan who was holding a basic membership in the party remained a silent spectator to the acrimonious discussions. Sitting in a corner of the office and sipping the hot-brown filter coffee from a silver glass, he thought about how these caste parties are no different from the Dravidian parties. He had recently changed his Dhoti lining from black to yellow, detaching himself from his Dravidian party affiliation. But only after his cousin convinced him, had he joined the Kongu Welfare Party to serve for the collective good of his caste which, according to them, was suffering the injustices of time despite possessing the privileges of the dominion. When Rajan took the last sip of his coffee, a tender yet loud voice sought his attention.
“What’s up, Rajan? Hope our party is treating you well. I was also once a loyal cadre of the Dravidian parties and rallied against casteism, (after a sigh) but the times have changed now and they started displaying their true colours,” said the old man with a smirk on his patchy face.
“It was out in the sun when they selected candidates based on their caste profile. These many years in that party didn’t fetch me any growth, instead I worked for the winning of low caste peeps all the time. I left the party without being able to tolerate this cheap behaviour of theirs and realised that it is better being a casteist in the open than being a fucking cowardly hypocrite,” asserted Rajan with both anger and disappointment displayed in his eyes.
“That’s just them being them, Rajan. In the name of equality and social justice, they are taking Dalits to the places they don’t deserve to be in. In the coming by-elections too, they are pitching for a Dalit candidate. I can’t even imagine us going to a Dalit and bending our back and seeking a favor. I would rather drink poldoil and die,” said the man with a fading smirk.
Rajan started fidgeting and shifting his feet because of his disinterest in the topic being discussed. After all he had worked closely with the anti-caste ideas for years. But his gut forced him to get accustomed, and he responded to the old man asking, “But when our caste is so strong in numbers here, how do they expect a Dalit candidate to win?”
“See, that’s the problem with us. We feel that our presence is so strong around this entire Kongu region but that’s just the feeling. There’s no data to back us. These Dravidian pimps are using that to put us down in the region of our strength and that's why exactly they are giving tickets to these unworthy Dalits”
“I have never thought about that. So in the name of equality and justice, they are trying to place these untouchables over us,” exclaimed Rajan with anguish but a voice from inside him screamed, “Did you really just say that? Is it even moral to think this way?” Sadly, that voice failed to register its presence, and Rajan went ahead to prioritise listening to the old man instead to establish his loyalty in the new environment.
The old man placed his wrist on Rajan’s shoulder and said, “Nobody would think of that Rajan. People from our caste are so lost in this fancy new world of nationalism and cinema. They don’t care even if their daughter elopes with an untouchable man. As elders, it is in our hands to fight for the protection of our caste pride and bring our children back to our roots.”
Rajan sighed deeply, “This is so atrocious. These untouchables are usually portrayed as victims of our existence. But see…”
Before Rajan could finish, the old man resumed, “They are just encroachers. By stepping in their feet, they first polluted our Bhavani. Then, they took away the opportunities of education from our children. If not stopped now, they will also enter our houses taking away our identity which is the only thing left with us.”
While the conversation between them was still developing, Rajan’s phone rang singing, “Ondre kulam endru paaduvom…(Let us all sing together, Our Tribe is One)!” which he cut immediately with an uneasy face as that song reminded him of the Dravidian ideas.
There were eleven days until Aadi Perukku started, Rajan was carrying all of his black shirts to discard as they kept on reminding him of his past Dravidian association. When he was walking back to the house after dumping the shirts, a car came close to him and stopped. After a furious exchange of words, Rajan got into the car and it disappeared from there within a minute, as the crows flying in the pale sky were also driven to their nests by the encroaching darkness.
While getting deeply entangled in the conflict of colours happening in the sky, Aadhira was waiting for Anbu at their usual meeting spot in the college. When she anxiously twisted her wrist to check the watch, Anbu appeared from behind a building.
“Are you taking me for granted? Why do I have to wait for you all day?” asked Aadhira in a loud voice.
Anbu responded in a quirky tone, “Really sorry, girl! You know that I am doing an extra…”
Cutting him off, she retorted with no clue of smile, “Don’t assume that I will get used to this waiting and will wait for you all my life. Waiting is not my business.” Accustomed to her anger, he stood in silence and gave her the space to resume. She continued, “Sorry da! I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just about the frustration of having a curfew at home and my inability to fight against it. My father is kind of chill but my mother would stop me from college if I reached home late. In that case, even my father would not have any say in that matter.”
“Don’t worry, nothing will happen! I trust your skills of managing your parents,” he said and asked her to close her eyes for a surprise. When she opened her eyes, she spotted a black puppy which was darker than that evening, running around her feet.
Excited about the puppy, she enquired about its whereabouts. Anbu told her that it was one of the five puppies which his pet dog gave birth to.
“Aww, she is so cute. I will call her Bhavani. But if I am taking her home, what will I tell my parents? What if they find out?”
“Find out what? That I am a Dalit, and I reside in a Dalit colony?” More than anger, his tone was soaked in disappointment.
Holding his chin, she said “Dei, you are MORE than your caste identity. My father raised me teaching that people are people and not caste clusters. He may have changed his political colour from black to yellow now, but that didn’t change me. I am still colourless and will remain that way forever. I was worried about this love matter in general. I don’t want to disclose this at home until I get to have a say for myself.”
“Yes! To earn that credibility, you have to be successful in studies. The more you study, the more you get liberated. Right?” Both of them share a moment of smile. Anbu continued, “But look here, my dear moon, someday this will have to come out. In that case, I believe that our love is stronger than these caste differences. We will fight all the odds and live a blessed life with many moments of smiles and so many stars shining in our sky. If at all anything uncertain happens, smile and gossip with Bhavani until I come.” Anbu comforted her without having any idea that it was indeed going to be their last meeting.
The sky became entirely dark with no spot of light. Bhavani, who was rolling on the floor, started scratching herself, inviting a weird reaction from Aadhira’s mother. She asked her, “Everything else is fine, but why have you named a dog after our Goddess?”
“When the dark-skinned Goddess can share her colour with the puppy, why can’t she share her name?” responded Aadhira with a teasing wink.
Without responding to her, Aadhira’s mother went on to continue washing the dishes, which she had been doing for almost three decades. When the in-law’s fight was happening on the television loudly, Aadhira came with a plate of hot rasam-rice and changed the TV to a news channel.
With one spoon of rice in her mouth, she shouted, “Amma, why is the salt so less in the rasam,” as Rajan stepped inside the house. While she was still eating, he stood staring at her near the door. His breath became heavy in a while and he stepped closer to Aadhira and asked, “Why are you so late?”
“Adhu…,” before she could finish, he grabbed her plate and smacked it on her head from behind, following which she fell on the floor unconsciously. Rajan’s attempts to resist his frustration failed and by then his inner voice was almost muted.
With the hot rasam trickling over her face, Aadhira tried opening her eyes only to see her parents shouting at each other. What stood out to her ears in this whole ruckus was the Bhavani’s whining. She realized that the poor puppy was crying for its life. But Aadhira couldn’t push herself from the floor to help the puppy. She rolled her eyes and tilted her head looking for Bhavani and spotted her on a corner with blood oozing out. She cried out loud on seeing the dying dog which brought her father’s attention back on her. He walked towards her and screamed, “In the party office, people of our caste are laughing at me. Your longing for a Dalit dick is stinking all over the region. Is this how I raised you?”
While she was still crying, Rajan went to the corner and held the crying puppy by the throat to silence it, saying, “This is how they try to contaminate our places. First, that low caste pig has sent this filth into the house following which he and his dirty ass family would enter to make this house a piggery.” The puppy which was almost dead was then thrown outside the house, over the discarded black shirts in the garbage, and the door was locked.
The house became so silent except for the news channel which was reporting about the contamination that happened in the Bhavani River.
Aadi Perukku was eight days away now and Aadhira was still locked in her room, which screamed loudly with silence, barring the screeching of the fan and the ticking of the clock. The wooden door of her room was opened after three long days. Rajan entered the room along with a few other men from his party to convince and get Aadhira to agree to a marriage arranged for her with a man from their caste.
The old man from that cluster went near her bed and asked in his tender yet loud voice, “Kannu (Dear), how are you ma?”
As she was not interested in speaking to him, she just displayed a nod. The old man caressed her forehead and said, “Tsk. You are such a young girl! How can you think of betraying your father and caste for an unclean shit sticking to your ass?”
“There is a limit and this is it,” she shouted furiously.
“Dare you raise your voice again,” Rajan stepped ahead to slap her and was stopped by the old man. The men who came along were losing their cool on her behaviour. After looking at them, the old man continued, “People from our caste are so furious over this. You better stop all this drama and prepare for the arranged marriage. Your father knows what’s better for you.”
Understanding that the situation was getting worse, Aadhira grabbed Rajan’s hands and cried, “Appa, what has happened to you? You are not this person, pa. Please pa, don’t do this.”
Rajan has never seen his daughter cry like this and his muted inner voice made his feet to fidget. But to strongly hold his pride in front of the people of his caste he said, “These untouchable men just want to woo girls from upper caste and get married to them. After a few days of marriage, they will start displaying their true colours. Everything is happening to loot our money. Even if it is not for the money, this is their planned mission to increase their headcount to stand equal in numbers to our caste. You are a little girl and we have seen many worse cases than yours. Better listen to the elders.”
Interrupting Rajan, the old man asked, “Dear, also think for a minute. You are the only varisu (heir) to your father. If you are getting married to that Dalit boy, your children would carry this untouchable’s identity and not our caste identity. Do you want to ditch your own colour, own identity? Are you okay with your children being the product of an illegitimate union?”
After a deep, forceful sigh, Aadhira replied, advocating for her love, “I am telling this once and for all that my child would be a product of our love that resisted and defied your crude casteism! I don’t want it to take any of your colours.”
While they were still shouting, Aadhira panned her ears to the conversation that was developing outside the house. Her eyes widened in fear after detecting Anbu’s voice. All the men from inside her room were called outside, and Aadhira too ran behind those men towards the door, but she was pushed inside by her uncle and the door was closed in her face. When the door was being closed, through the slit she was able to see her father smacking on Anbu’s head from behind. Though they couldn’t see each other that day, the door which separated them was witnessing the tears of a powerless Aadhira inside the house and the blood of a helpless Anbu outside it.
Many, many years later, on the day of Aadi Perukku:
The River Bhavani, from the onset of her journey from the Nilgiris forest, met with a number of obstacles on her way. Yet, she managed to fight all the odds to reach the banks of Kongu. People from different castes came to the banks with offerings as a show of their gratitude towards her. Along with the offerings, people also dedicated the memories of their lost loved ones and prayed to the River Bhavani for the peace of their souls. The air was filled with the nectar of flowers, prayers, and overwhelming emotions.
In the backdrop of the sinking sun, Rajan, who was sitting on a rock on the river bank, was observing people who had come with their families to pay offerings to their River. When he was panning his eyes around, he found Aadhira appearing from a distance with a never-seen-before glow on her face. She had grown and her cheek bones didn’t show up distinctly. But her dimples were still the same. When she was approaching him, he visualised her baby-face and her abundant smile with no teeth. He was so immersed in reliving those memories as her voice drew him back, “Sorry pa, if I had made you wait for so long.”
“Tsk. Please don’t feel sorry dear. Waiting for you has become my business and I would happily do that till my last…” his voice almost broke with mist accumulating in his eyes.
She continued, “Pa, stop talking like this. You are a positive and strong person. I don’t want to see you breaking down like this, at least not today.”
“How can I not break down, dear? These many years have passed and that incident is still haunting me. Every now and then, I keep getting suicidal thoughts. Today being the anniversary, I am struggling to even breathe. When I opened my eyes in the hospital many years ago, I felt ashamed to have gotten saved. Why did you poison me with a lesser dose that day? You should have emptied the whole poison bottle in my food. Instead of carrying the scars of guilt all these days, I would have died with no pain of missing you.”
“Pa, my intention was not to kill you but to expose you in the murder of Anbu. If I hadn’t done that, I don’t think Anbu could ever get the justice he deserved. I understand that these many years in jail for you must have been difficult. But think of Anbu’s family, whose dreams of liberation from societal oppression that have gotten shattered. As I said, you are not a bad person, pa. Those men from that party used your emotions for their agenda. All it takes is only empathy, pa. I hope you are changed now,” she said, while moving away from him.
“When that itself had punished me enough, why did you disappear from my life, Aadhira? My life…it has become darker than it was before you were born,” he asked with his fidgeting hands.
“Because you alone can’t own the moon, pa. The sky is the same for Anbu as much as it is for you,” her voice alone fell into his ears when he was looking at the fading Aadhira (moon) on the banks of Bhavani. (Read the first portion of the story again)
About the story
It is ironical that the region which gave birth to the Dravidian revolutionary Periyar is today the epicenter of caste-based violence and politics. Dravidianism, which most hoped would hold together the people of different castes, is unfortunately fading in the face of growing casteism in the Kongu region of Tamil Nadu. In the Kongu region, those of the dominant caste use their social position to aggravate already existing prejudices of the people against the depressed castes and, in turn, enhance their own political power.
Not only have the “upper castes” internalised the myth that the castes below them are “impure”, but they have also, over centuries, internalised the myth of their “superiority”. This has led to an aggressive need to preserve the “purity” of the caste. Exogamous marriages i.e. those outside one’s caste group are believed to pollute the purity of the caste group and so upper castes go to every length to ensure that the members of their caste do not marry outside their caste or at least not to a caste that is very far removed from them in the caste hierarchy. Often when an individual defies this norm, members of the group find it more honorable to put an end to this individual’s life than deal with the humiliation that has been brought to their caste.
The story revolves around Aadhira, a girl from the dominant caste in Kongu, who goes against the tide and falls in love with Anbu, a lower caste boy. As is the case in closely-knit societies, this act of defiance did not remain a secret for too long and came to the knowledge of Aadhira’s father, Rajan, who took this act as a scathing attack on his caste pride. What follows is an incident that leaves Aadhira and the entire Kongu region with a scar, and hopefully, a lesson that will change the lives of many in the years to come.
About the Author
Manivannan D is an engineering-graduate and a former journalist. Currently, he’s exploring the subjectivity that his technical knowledge lacked, at the Young India Fellowship.
