“I Should Be Further in Life.”
Living in a world that makes us feel like we missed the mark
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“I’m not where I should be.”
How many of us have had this thought? Innocent enough, right? Yet something about it is…insidious. It may not always be in the foreground of our mind, but for many of us, I believe it’s there, lingering in the background.
Feelings of inadequacy are common, especially in a day and age of social media, where nearly every person you know has an entire portfolio of their seemingly perfect, happy life. We know it’s not real, and yet…
Or maybe it’s not about social media at all. Maybe it’s simply about where you thought you would be by now. Take myself for example. I’m about to turn 38 years old. When I was twenty, I didn’t see thirty-eight as ‘old’ as some may, but I did think I would own a home and have a family, and be nicely settled into a career of my choosing. I thought I would be a hairdresser. I took Hairdressing in college, but it turns out, I didn’t have a passion for it. In fact, it gave me intense anxiety, go figure.
Meanwhile, I have a friend who is in their late twenties graduating from medical school. I have friends close to my age with beautiful homes and teenagers — teenagers! I have yet to even start! I have friends who own their own business, and who seem so ‘put together.’ Am I stuck in time? Surely, I should be further in life. It’s easy for me to think that — But that thought is a lie.
The Comparison Trap
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt
Many of us have heard that quote. It’s one of my favorites. I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind, lest I fall into the trap. Sometimes, I fall into it anyway — It’s a sneaky, sneaky trap — a barely visible, ever-present pit that blends into my surroundings. I move past it, yet there it is again. It can show up when you least expect it. But I have learned to shift my perspective to help battle this monster called comparison. I would like to share my thoughts and my personal experience with you.
We do not have the same starting place
When looking at how successful someone is, it’s easy to forget this fact. I consider this: Maybe they come from a well-off family. Perhaps their parents worked very hard to save up for their children’s education. Perhaps, growing up, financial, educational, or marital success was extremely important to their caregivers and it was stressed to them from a young age. Simply put: I just don’t know where someone else’s starting point was — but no two people have the same beginning, which means I can guarantee their start was different from mine.
We all have different gifts
Just as no two people have the same start (unless you are siblings, but sometimes, not even then), no two have the exact same gifts — but we all have them. I’m convinced of it. Everyone is intelligent, but we excel in different areas, expressing it in different ways.
When reading cognitive neuroscientist Caroline Leaf's work, I first learned about the different types of intelligence. Later, I read the book Limitless by Jim Kwik, which touches on the same topic.
According to Doctor Leaf, there are seven main types of intelligence: Linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, and intrapersonal.
Now I highly recommend you read their books for yourself if you would like to learn more on the subject (I’ll link them below in this article), but I’ll explain my findings as best I can and how they relate to my viewpoint.
Every person has every kind of intelligence in the above list, but in different amounts and in different orders. For instance, I excel in linguistics and visual-spatial, but if you were to list them, the last in my list is logical-mathematical. (There is a test you can take in the book to find out your order, but I pretty much already knew logical-mathematical would be my lowest, hah!) Now, this doesn’t mean I can’t be great in that area, but it may take me a lot more time and energy to get there. My natural inclination is towards things that involve words and art.
And there is so much more to it than that. The order of those intelligences has to do with how I learn and process. My brain will first listen to the words you say, then I will visualize it in my mind’s eye. Next on my list is interpersonal, so I will think about what you said and relate it to my own motivations and goals…etc., and lastly, after going through the rest of my list, it hits the logical-mathematical segment. I hope this is making sense. I’m supposed to be good with words ;)
If I have almost the same order as someone else, we will process things very differently, even with only two things in the list switched. And even if we have the exact same order — the way we express these things will be different.
Combine this information with genetics, economic and cultural background, our spirituality, the country we are born into, and our varying life experiences and there really is no point in comparing ourselves to others when we are so vastly unique. It almost seems silly.
Now maybe, like me, you consider yourself a late bloomer. Perhaps you think “It’s too late for me to accomplish my dreams.” Even the act of writing that sentence makes me feel sad because I know that feeling well. But I’m here to encourage you: It’s not! The world is full of examples of people who became wildly successful later in life. Sometimes it helps me to read about them.
Henry Ford was 45 when he invented the Model T car. Eric Yuan founded Zoom at age 41. Stan Lee had his first hit comic, The Fantastic Four, just shy of age 39. Martha Stewart didn’t find success until she published her first cookbook at age 41. Samuel L. Jackson was 43 when he got his first hit role. Julia Child launched her career as a celebrity chef at age 50. Laura Ingalls published the first in the “Little House” books at age 65 in 1932. Little House on The Prairie, anyone? I could go on and on with examples.
It’s never too late. And if you really insist that it is, then it is never too late to start a new goal, develop new passions, and chase new pursuits.
I propose a question: How do you truly define success?
I am not talking about what society tells you success is. I’m asking you to think deeply; introspectively. To one person, being successful may mean you’re wealthy. To another, it is having a rich inner life. For another, it’s leaving a legacy, or meeting simple mile markers like owning a house, or a car. For some of us, a successful life is one where we are well-loved and can express love. I think it’s a good thing to look at ourselves and evaluate what success really looks like to us, and why we feel that way.
Not everyone is good at everything
No matter how much the curated photos on the internet tell us otherwise. It doesn’t erase the fact that you are a gem. You are special. I’m sorry if you don’t see it, or feel it. And maybe you’re rolling your eyes right now. I can almost feel it. Everyone experiences this from time to time.
You have heard it before, but it is true: There is only one you. Embracing this idea, no matter how difficult it may be, helps us to climb out of the comparison trap. Someone is probably looking at YOUR life right now and feeling like their love doesn’t measure up to yours for whatever reason they have decided. Focusing on what we do have, instead of what we don’t help tip the scales. And we all have SOMETHING.
Goals are important, but so is resilience.
I enjoyed writing and painting from a young age. I knew it was ‘my thing,’ but I didn’t know how to cultivate it. For a time, my passions got buried. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that my passion for writing was rediscovered; unearthed, if you will. It’s hard some days not to feel imposter syndrome and look at best-selling authors my exact age and think, ‘If only I had started sooner. What would have I accomplished… if only, if only, if only.’
This too, is a trap.
I wish I would have
I cannot change the past, but I can give it my all right now. And I may not be where I want to be yet, but I sure as hell am not where I used to be. I am a real, official writer! You know how I became one? I started to write. I started at home, in Google Docs, just writing for myself. And every day I’m improving, so long as I don’t give up. I always keep this quote in mind, it is, hands-down, my favorite motivational quote:
“Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly until you can learn to do it well.” — Zig Ziglar.
G. K. Chesterton said something similar. And you know what? If you ask me, I started out doing it poorly. But I’m getting better. The things I wrote three years ago pale in quality to my work now. And my work now will suck to future me. I can see where I went wrong and I avoid these things now. There is real growth, and it’s wonderful. But what’s more than that — I found joy in THE DOING. I found my passion in my thirties. You can find yours too, no matter how old you are, and I mean that. You may be in your eighties, but you can start fresh today. You can RE START today. Choose the path that makes your soul sing. If you don’t know what it is, try out some things. If it doesn’t fit, let it go and try something else. It’s okay if it doesn’t happen immediately.
I realize that perhaps this article has been a little all over the place, but I have a lot to say and I have personally found these things incredibly helpful. You are special. YOU ARE. And it’s okay if it’s taking time to get there — but you can get there. Step out of the trap.
Thank you so much for taking some of your valuable time to read this article. I hope it resonated with you. If you like it, please consider sharing it with a friend, or becoming a subscriber to see more articles like this one.💌
You can find Jim Kwik’s book, Limitless here:
Brighter Brain Brilliant Life | Jim Kwik
You can find books by Doctor Caroline Leaf here:
❤ Please visit our Project Rollplay publication and website where you can read more about mental health and TTRPGs.❤
