What Do You Mean I Have ADHD!?
My Neurodivergent Journey: Discovering I Have ADHD in my Mid-Thirties
If You would have told the twenty-year-old me I would one day be diagnosed with ADHD, not only would I not believe it — I probably would have laughed.
At that point in my life, I still thought ADHD was a thing you got diagnosed with as a child when you were super hyperactive and bouncing off the walls in class. In fact, I couldn’t even recall a single woman who had it.
That was then…
Fast-forward sixteen years later, and here comes my first experience with TIKTOK. Or should I say, ADHDTOK. Somehow, while perusing my usual content about books, ADHDTOK found its way into my algorithm. Suddenly I’m seeing video after video of ADHD content.
Now, wait a minute! Why are all these stories starting to sound kind of…familiar?
It didn’t take long to go from ADHDTOK to watching copious amounts of YouTube content on the subject, from the perspective of experts and everyday people who live with it. I think, in a way, I was looking for proof that I was wrong. It wasn’t, “I don’t want this!” So much as it was, “this all in my head. I am a hypochondriac, surely. I don’t have this thing — I’m just weird.”
I’ve always been ‘weird.’ Not quite fitting into the mold, I just didn’t know why.
And I always…kind of wondered…
ADHD is not an excuse, but it IS a reason
I understand why labeling things can be harmful. I understood why some individuals hate labels, and yet, I found myself wanting to know ‘what IS this?’ To me, being labeled as someone who has ADHD isn’t something that means I will take it on as my sole identity. I don’t want to take every conversation and make it about ADHD — Only a few ;)
Fast Forward things a bit, and I am thirty-six, when I finally get an official diagnosis: Moderate to severe ADHD. Immediately, my therapist at the time asked if I wanted to be put on medication. When I declined, they asked, “are you sure?” I detected a hint that suggested maybe I should be. Now, there is nothing wrong with using medication — NOTHING AT ALL — I, however, had already embarked on a journey of taking less pills and didn’t feel I really needed to be on anything. I thought, “Well, I made it this far…’’ And so I made the decision to manage it naturally.
I believe the doctor was a little curious why I went through all the trouble of getting screened and diagnosed when I didn’t even want medication. My answer, as I stated before, was that I wanted to make sure I wasn’t making it up.
Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned here: I need to trust myself more.
There are so many neurodivergent things I do that I had no clue were, well, neurodivergent. Again, this is only my personal experience, and every ADHDer is different. I realize I experience some crossover with autistic traits here. Not all of us have the same symptoms. This is only me sharing my unique experience. I do hope you enjoy it, or at least, find it interesting.
Let me break it down a smidge
Now generally speaking, a quick google search will tell you men with ADHD often exhibit more externalized symptoms, such as hyperactivity and impulsivity, which can result in behaviors like fidgeting, interrupting others, or taking risks. While women with ADHD, on the other hand, may display more internalized symptoms, such as inattention and disorganization. They might struggle with staying focused, completing tasks, or maintaining organization, which can be less noticeable externally, making them harder to diagnose. This doesn’t mean men can’t have the symptoms more commonly displayed in women, and vice versa.
There also seems to be a genetic component. If you have it, chances are your mom or dad may too — in my case, I believe it was my dad, but he was never aware of it.
I could go down a worm-hole and tell you all about my lack of dopamine, how the brain lights up differently than someone neurotypical…but you have things to do today.
Sorry, what was that again?
Inattentiveness is by far my biggest symptom. It is an annoying one, especially when I am trying to show someone important to me that I care about what they are saying, but then ask them to repeat themselves four times because my brain keeps disengaging. I have learned that honesty is the best policy. “I’m so sorry, I zoned out, but I really want to know what you said. Can you repeat that?” usually goes over well for those who know me. But telling a stranger “I’m sorry I have ADHD and I zoned out,” usually gets me an eye roll. Or, even worse, the old “Yeah, it seems everyone has ADHD these days.” THIS HURTS. Because it implies I am making it up. That it is an excuse. It implies that I didn’t try hard enough. Or even that the whole ‘ADHD thing’ is all made up to start with.
Perhaps I am projecting. You know what they say about people who assume…
The Good, the Bad, and the Weird
My Never-Ending Mental Soundtrack
Oh, this is a big one — I wake up with a song already going in my head. An ‘ear-worm,’ they call it. For me, it is severe. I come from a musical family. From my research, this increases the likelihood of this happening, but there is almost always a song in my beautifully chaotic mind. The only exception is when I am watching a show I am very interested in. I used to think this was normal. It seems to happen to people from time to time, but not all day, every single day.
I also hear every note in the song — every little sound. The music in my head sounds very clear — exactly like the songs I play from Spotify. The good news is, I can change the song at will — I just can’t stop the song. By the way, if you’re curious, right now as I write this it’s Ray Of Solar by Swedish House Mafia and Tiësto.
Sensory Issues
Ever since I could remember, the tags in my shirt BOTHERED me. Not only that. Seams on my socks, the way my blankets are arranged around me before I fall asleep, the pressure of hats and headphones — and then there are days where I do not wish to be touched. Gentle touches are the worst on those days. It irritates me. Not so much emotionally, but physically, which, in turn, can affect my emotions. Try explaining that to people when they go to touch you and you suddenly recoil like they are made of lava.
Cutlery Preferences
If you hand me a wooden fork with a serious expression, I may have to smack it out of your hand. The wood, for whatever reason, sets my teeth on edge — but it goes beyond that. I really hate eating cake or pie with a spoon. Even if there’s ice cream with it. If I’m out for dinner and a waitress brings a spoon automatically, I politely request a fork. Being very particular about your cutlery, turns out, is a neurodivergent thing.
‘Textured Words’
This is a term I recently coined. What does it mean? For me, these words…irritate the inside of my brain. Not literally, but this is what it feels like. Here are some examples of ‘textured words’ I hate to both read and hear: crucible(which my husband loves to use in his writing), machinations, sprout. But the context can make them more tolerable for me. For example, saying ‘bean sprouts’ is perfectly acceptable.
Talking Too Much and Too Fast
I always have. When I was in elementary school, I can’t even tell you the amount of times I was told “you talk too much.” And I have maintained this quality throughout my entire life. Not only that — it gets worse. I will cut you off if I get excited. I don’t mean to, I swear. But I have managed to improve in this area. I know it’s rude, and I would not like someone doing it to me, but I get SO EXCITED. Not an excuse. But it is a reason.
I have also over the last few years made an effort to speak slower, because sometimes when I am in hyper mode, people literally cannot understand me. I have practiced slowing down my speech for so long that it’s becoming automatic — unless I am feeling manic or alone with my husband (he doesn’t mind). Some would call this masking. But these changes I desire to make, not so much out of pressure — I simply don’t want to be a rude interupt-asaurus Steph.
Sensitivity to Sound: The Pros and Cons.
As hinted at earlier, when I hear music, I HEAR music. I feel it in my bones. I have cried if the melody is beautiful. I hear tiny pings and notes that others don’t seem to notice, and I must pay attention to the lyrics. I wouldn’t change this for the world. But then…the rustling of a fan in the background. The person chewing their food with their mouth open. The clicking of a pen across the room. A TV going in the background when I’m trying to write!!! Gah! Everything is so…distracting! Annoying!
Sometimes people can’t understand why I am so bothered. Or why I can’t pay attention to a conversation if the radio is playing a song that I love in the background. How can I hear you AND the lyrics? Remember what I said about having to listen to them? I simply cannot do both, which is a great segue into my next topic…
Multitasking
Now many ADHDers will say they need to multitask to concentrate. Or that they love it, or excel at it. I am not arguing this. All I’m saying is that for me — HECK NO. I am terrible at multitasking. If it looks like I am multitasking, chances are it’s an illusion. I am a very one task at a time kind of gal. I cannot unload the dishwasher AND cook food without burning it.
Hyperfocus
“But Steph, you just said your main symptom was inattentiveness!” And yet…the hyper-focus has its claws deep in me. Especially when it comes to my passions. Some would say my special interests. I am very, very focused on the book series I am currently working on. Two books are with Alpha readers as I type this. And when I am not writing, I am thinking about writing. I see the ability to hyper-focus as a plus, because it keeps me extremely motivated, though I notice at times I cycle through obsessions.
You’re Not Alone
Maybe you are reading this and see a lot of yourself. If so, welcome to the neuro-spicy crew! I do not think of myself as broken — not anymore. My brain is simply wired differently. Some days I feel like I don’t measure up. Other days, I feel like I actually have an advantage.
There are so many things in this article that I haven’t touched on. Overstimulation, decision paralysis, time-blindness, rejection sensitivity, the link between ADHD and creativity…just to name a few. But this article is long enough.
I am content to be wired the way I am, as challenging at times as it may be, and I have learned there is a vast and supportive community out there willing to embrace and support one another.
Can you relate to this article? Tell me about your neurodivergent experience!
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