Count Your Blessings. Every Day.
India has a population of approximately 1.2 billion. Belonging to the middle class in that population makes me just another face in the crowd. There is only one lesson ingrained in most children who come from a similar background — how not to be just a face in the crowd!
We are conditioned like Pavlovian dogs to study hard. Applying ourselves to academics is all that counts. Sports and extra-curricular activities are an indulgence. One must go to college and get a degree in a good course. Taking subjects with lesser job applicability was a waste of opportunity. The literacy rate for women in India in the 90s was 39%, it was indeed an opportunity not to be squandered! If one could manage to get into professional courses, that was the icing on the cake. It would secure your financial future.
So I tried my best to check the boxes. Straight after graduating from college, I went to work and did not look back for the next twenty years. I worked in different sectors in various roles. My husband being in the military, I moved places often. Everywhere I went, finding a job was my top priority. More than contributing to the household, it was a part of my identity. How could I be secure if I wasn’t financially independent? There were times that I took jobs that made me unhappy, but I did them anyway. Throughout my career, I invested in myself by finishing various certificate courses in psychometric tools, assessment centers, etc. I was the horse in George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Fast-forward another ten years. My husband now runs a tech start-up and is doing well enough to support our desired lifestyle. I have not worked actively in a few years. I take on consulting projects every now and then in the field of Organisation Development. I have the luxury to only take projects that I find meaningful. I went to pastry school because I wanted to be an entrepreneur like my husband. I gave that a run for a couple of years.
Then came COVID. On a professional front, most things came to a halt. With it came the frightening realisation that it did not bother me!
Allow me to explain.
After having put some time and effort into internal work, my identity was no longer tied to my occupation. I could nourish myself by reading the many books that had been languishing on my to-read list. I could bake for fun — experiment with various recipes that I wanted to make but no one wanted to buy. I could focus on my fitness that I’d not undertaken at a conscious level. I could vegetate in front of TV watching shows that I’d otherwise consider wasteful. I could invest mental space into exploring meditation — another activity that had been pushed far down the to-do list. I could indulge myself in any way that caught my fancy at a given time.
Yet, there was certain ennui. I was restless; I was in search of something more. I was drawn to re-reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I kept thinking my life was missing something that I could not quite put my finger on. With things starting to return to normal, I thought I could start the baking business again. I thought about reaching out to my network to take on projects again. My heart was not in it though.
Then I discovered Medium. I started writing here as a form of self-expression. In exploring the platform, I learnt about how one could get paid for writing. For a while, that thought occupied my mind. Luckily, I had help from Medium itself — writers in India can’t get paid yet.
Through writing though, I got some clarity on my thinking.
What I discovered was that I was having trouble being grateful for my life circumstances. I could not accept that I had arrived at the ‘destination’ that I’d been traveling to my entire life. Most people work hard to save for retirement. They put things on the back burner so that they can do them later. That later is here for me now. For me, Christmas came early but I couldn’t accept it. My genetic programming and social environment wouldn’t let me believe that I had everything I’d wanted. I’m a privileged person and instead of bringing gratitude into my life, I’m looking a gift horse in the mouth.
It has taken me a few months to let it sink in. I’m at a place where I don’t have to strive anymore. I can stop the furious pedaling and allow myself to float easily on the water. I’ve been given an opportunity to practice gratitude every day instead of it being a one-off event. I can open my life to new experiences instead of following the rut as I have for years.
I’m now embarking on a new journey — one of practicing gratitude. I’m learning to accept the privilege I have and be thankful for it. I’ve stopped questioning it. I’ve stopped living in fear of all this being snatched away. I catch myself being happy for other people’s successes. I’m not comparing myself to others and my self-esteem is not dependent on my current occupation.
We look at gratitude as a salve for the painful moments of our lives. We’re told to count our blessings so we can develop the fortitude to bear the tough times. We look at people who seem to have better lives than us and think it’s easy for them to talk about being thankful. I now know that gratitude does not discriminate. I found it hard to do even in good times. Building that practice into our lives irrespective of circumstances takes discipline. We sometimes may not have the motivation to do it. If we’ve taken the time to cultivate it every day though, it becomes a way of being. That is what I’m after now.
Thank you Ravyne Hawke for this beautiful prompt that inspires me every day!
