CREATIVE NONFICTION | EATING DISORDERS
ED’s Lure
A letter of defeat to EC
I can no longer sit in my darkened room, eyes transfixed to the screen and watch you whither away to a skeleton. I travelled that road in my youth. It wasn’t Ana that I worshipped, but the other ED — Bul. And yet, the results are the same — extreme weight loss, ruined health, brittle hair and nails, life-long gastral issues, possible organ failure and potential death.
I too wanted to be tiny and cute. Not growing old. Remaining child-like in adorable outfits meant for tweens, not twenty-somethings. I wanted the long black hair and the goth make-up and clothes. And I did. I did. Until I couldn’t any longer.
The difference between you and I… I was ashamed of Bul. I ended up hidden from the world. Invisible. I wore baggy clothes to hide my protruding bones. Bul’s hold over me didn’t afford me the desire to body-check every five minutes. I didn’t want to see what I was doing to my body. I didn’t want to see, because I didn’t want to stop.
And yet, you put yourself out there eight to twelve hours a day — no food, drinks or bathroom breaks. Dressed scantily in your leather and lace, face dolled-up like a Bratz, and slinking about like Sally in search of her Pumpkin King. You are on Twitch, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram deliberately, knowingly showing your bones. Yes, you are proud to worship Ana. And why not, you are making money off of your sickness and no one can convince you to stop.
And so, I will stop. I’ve been the skeleton you so desperately want to be. And now, thirty years later, my health is tattered and torn. I survived because someone cared to help me and I let them. I fear you won’t survive because no one seems to care, not even you.
No more begging you to stop. No more cringing as I watch. You’ve broken me. Defeated. I am sorry, EC, I won’t witness your demise.
©2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
Glossary of Terms
- Ana — Anorexia
- ED — Eating Disorder
- Bul — Bulimia
EC is a young woman of 27 who is anorexic, lives at home with her parents, is enabled by her mother, and produces fashion and make-up streams on Youtube and live streams on Twitch. She has a huge audience of young kids who want to look just like her and Ana-fetish fans who encourage her by throwing money and compliments at her.
I began watching EC because of her make-up tutorials and she wasn’t nearly as thin then as she is now. She is talented and could be doing make-up for models or actors instead of slowly dying online for the world to see. I would be lying if I said her extremely thin body didn’t trigger me. In fact, I almost relapsed after thirty years of recovery. I’ve begged her to get help, but instead of thanking me for being concerned, I am now a hater. I am just so done.
This creative endeavor is in response to Penelope Mayfield & Pierce McIntyre’s October Monthly Special — Skeleton
Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.
