In Search of the Right Boss, I Found Myself
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for a newer and richer experience.”- Eleanor Roosevelt
I never thought I could share my life’s problems with anyone, I thought I was an introvert.
I knew from childhood that I needed to appear as the best version of myself, but I do not remember if anybody ever told me to do so or if it was just me.
I allowed others to define that ‘best version’ for me and built my identity around it without questioning what I wanted to become.
That was the biggest mistake I made.
My teachers commended me as a good student, and my parents lauded me for being that. It was the only trait appreciated by my parents so I strived throughout my life to become that.
It was strange that I perceived the identity of a student to be more of a beginner or a novice, so I drastically failed when it was time to step up.
I always wanted to look up to someone for guidance however, that “someone” needed to be respectable enough in my eyes.
That was where the problem occurred.
I wanted a job where my boss would be a person I could look up to, but I hardly found any who could match my preconceived notions about a boss.
So I found myself in situations where I felt I was always disagreeing with the things that my boss said. It did not happen once, but multiple times, in multiple jobs.
Yes, I kept changing jobs, not for an improved salary or better work experience, but in search of a better boss! The way I would put it to the hiring agencies was that I wanted a more open work culture where they treated senior members (that was me!) with respect.
I wish I had realised that it was time for me to step up as per my seniority and work experience, rather than searching for someone I could look up to.
As a result of frequent job changes, my profile started to raise questions on credibility and the chances of getting into a good position became increasingly difficult.
So, I started taking up positions, which would pay well but the work or the role was never up to my expectations.
I felt my career was down a rabbit hole, and I would never get out of it.
I had no idea how to help myself, while I watched silently my career begin to fail. By that time, my resume looked ugly with career breaks and I hardly received any response to the jobs I applied for.
My friends joked that I was living in a utopia and I was the reason behind my own failures and lost opportunities.
It seemed I needed to compromise because everyone did, and the word “job satisfaction” was not a real thing.
They were probably right, but I failed to agree.
I knew I was good at what I did, probably I was meant for something else.
I was too tired to think and decided to take time off to center myself.
I temporarily withdrew from social networking, friends circle, extended family, and everyone I knew, because something inside told me it was time to shut the outside chatter off.
I was unsure of what to anticipate, but surprisingly I started to like this new world where I was all by myself.
I started by putting my honest feelings into a notebook, where I would put every small incident of my life that I perceived to be unfair.
First few days, I wrote only the negative things, in fact, I also swore at times.
That activity gradually led me to the next stage where I wrote about the attainments, good gestures, and the good things about me.
It turned out to be an overwhelming therapy and I found myself less aggressive, less nagging, and more accepting.
I gradually learned to put myself first and prioritised my own choices and wishes. It was a liberating experience to be able to plan the days free of any worries about wasting entitled holidays.
Could I have attained such a free mind if I were on vacation? The answer was ‘no’.
If I went somewhere on vacation, I would start to get upset halfway through it as I would dread going back to work.
If I spent a vacation at home, I would end up cleaning and reorganising every corner of the house to keep things tidy and ready so that I was not overwhelmed when I went back to work.
I wasted most of my time dreading a work life rather than living my life.
What was very important for me at this stage of life was to gain the ability to think clearly, which could only happen after I allowed an “overthinking” brain to get some rest to recuperate.
So, I joined yoga and meditation and found that helpful to soothe my nerves and to relax considerably.
I became more calm and lost the urge to talk.
As I did not have to talk, I chose to observe others and their ways of dealing with people and problems.
With that, I had tapped into a treasure trove that brought out the real student in me to appreciate everyone around me as a teacher.
I discovered myself learning from everyone and everything as if they were working in unison to teach me different ways of handling life.
I picked up a few books on “Zen” and learned about “living consciously” or “living mindfully”.
It was a much-needed learning experience for me and I did not stop at knowing it as a theory, instead applied the acquired knowledge to life relentlessly.
I started seeing the same world through a different lens and knew in my heart that I had found many sources of happiness.
I no longer needed perfect work conditions to look for as my brain had learned by then to put work and happiness in separate compartments.
I felt like a winner when my new boss happily agreed with my suggestions that I now had learned to present more professionally and without any emotions.
Colleagues apparently liked my company more than ever before as they said, I was a very calm person despite the work stress and challenges, so they were able to calm themselves in my presence.
Personally, I was happy because:
- I learned to be more patient with myself
- I learned to appreciate that nobody was meant to be perfect and we were all work-in-progress trying to be a newer and improved version tomorrow
- I learned to stay positive and spread positivity as much as possible
- I learned that life could be a beautiful mystery if we allow new possibilities to emerge from it
Looking back, I realised my past mistakes, but rather than regretting them, I accepted them as life’s lessons and thanked them too as I would not be me without them.
Finally, I thanked myself for the second chance to explore and experience the joys of life.
It changed everything for me but I would still not claim that I knew my life completely yet.
Honestly speaking, I prefer the possibilities to be endless and to be unfolded by life itself.
Thanks to the editor of Promptly Written – Ravyne Hawke
Prompt: Secular Sunday
