Post Pandemic Anxiety?
Normal Aging or a Bit of Post-Traumatic Stress?
Post-pandemic anxiety?
Is that a thing? I think it’s a thing, and I’m sure a quick Google search would land me a million results. But I’m asking the question because if it exists, I think I may have it.
I know the pandemic caused a mental health crisis like we’ve not seen before. But that was during the pandemic, right? Wasn’t it? It’s 2023 and we’re beyond lockdowns and masks, and social distancing. All the “new norms” and “we’re all in this together” crap that just gave more labels to what we were going through in the past. But for me, what I’ve noticed about me since the pandemic dialed down, is this growing sense of foreboding. The more time and distance put between me and the pandemic, the more fearful, cautious, and anxious I become. I find myself much of the time feeling like I’m holding my breath or waiting for the ball to drop. I feel as though at any second the rug could get ripped out from under me. I am nervous and edgy about making plans too far out. Pre-pandemic, if I could plan several vacations, long weekends, and races 6-9 months, or even a year in advance, I was excited to do so. I loved having things to look forward to and always made sure I had something on my radar.
But Covid changed that. Covid took every well-laid plan we all had and just took it away. Snatched! Every vacation, every event, every concert. Gone. Even the huge things were canceled. The Olympics, for crying out loud, were postponed a year. If huge things like this can be taken away, then why not all the small things? And they were.
This sense of impending doom crept in me slowly, at first. Our first trip after restrictions were lifted and we were permitted to travel was a road trip to Williamsburg, Virginia. I was so happy to get to go somewhere again. I was fearful one of us would get sick and be forced to stay back so I took every precaution. Still, I was cautiously optimistic as the days passed. I wanted to be excited, and I was, but I was afraid, too, that something would happen and take the trip away from us. And you would think the closer it was until vacation time the less anxious I would be. But I wasn’t. The whole week leading up to our travels had to be the worst. After all, if one of us got sick at that point, it’s definitely too late. We’r screwed.
But vacation came, and we went! Whew! I supposed, at the time, that feeling was pretty normal for anyone who wanted to travel just after restrictions were lifted. As time passed and things became more normal again, I was sure I’d relax and my fears would ease.
It’s 2023 and I can’t say that is true. As a matter of fact, my fears are worse. Not only do I still get nervous and anxious about something coming along and ruining an upcoming vacation, but I feel fearful about things in everyday life just being taken away. My mind fills with all of these “what ifs.”
I have the exciting opportunity to run the virtual New York City Marathon this fall which will guarantee entry into the live race in 2024. I’m so excited but so cautious about it that I was afraid to tell anyone for a few days. I’m still afraid to get too exuberant about it. After all, I still have to train to run a fall marathon and that means I could get hurt and not be able to participate. Or, the race we signed up for to use as our virtual could be canceled. Or, we could have car trouble on the way there and not make it. Or a million other things could go wrong to ruin this opportunity for me.
I find myself more obsessed with mortality; mine especially, but that of my husband and my mother. My anxieties concerning my mother are: what if she falls? What if she gets sick or gets to where she can’t drive anymore? What will I do? How will our lives change? Will helping to care for her take my freedom?
What if I lose my husband? How will grief affect me? Will I go on a stress-eating binge and gain 100 pounds? Will I quit running? Will it be the opposite? Will I be on a mission to make him proud of me? How will I manage the yard and the home repairs? What about auto repairs?
What if I go first? Will he be ok? Will he remarry?
I worry more about me being alone than him being alone. I’ve watched my mother and I don’t know how much of her is in me. I think I have more of my dad in me, but who knows? And this week, an issue with my car opened a whole new can of worms for me.
I took it to a dealership to have a couple recalls fixed on it. Well, the recalls are fixed but now the car doesn’t run right and they still have it. My husband has had to take me to and pick me up from work a few days this week so far. It takes 2 hours out of his day to do this. It’s quite inconvenient, to say the least. And we have no end in sight and a weekend trip planned.
My what ifs are flaring up all over the place. What if we don’t get to go? What if we do get the car back and it’s still not right, but we don’t find out until we are headlong into 70 mph traffic on the highway, causing a dangerous situation? What if we get stranded somewhere in it?
And if I were on my own, what would I have done in this situation? So far the dealership hasn’t gotten me a loaner to drive. How would I get to work if not for him?
I dwell on these things way too much. I find myself always just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Most of the time it doesn’t and I can tell myself how silly I am being. But this week with the car is the perfect example of my anxiety coming to fruition.
I had a little hesitation about taking the car to get the recall fixed just before a road trip anyway. I just had a feeling that maybe it wouldn’t go right. But it’s a safety issue (the car could catch fire) so the devil’s advocate side of my personality said to get it fixed asap because you have too many road trips coming up and what if the worst happens and you could have prevented it by having the recall fixed?
That leads to my next fear. My first colonoscopy is next week. I want to just get it over with so hopefully everything is ok and I can go on with my life for the next few years. But now, more than ever, I’m afraid I’ll be that 1% that gets nicked and has to go immediately into surgery and what that could mean for the rest of my life. My husband says I’m going overboard, but am I? My other side says, if you don’t do it because you think your intuition is telling you now isn’t the time and 6 months later you find out you are sick and could have prevented it if you’d just gone and had this simple procedure done in July, you’ll be kicking yourself.
It’s almost as if my intuition is on high alert, so much so that it’s paranoia now.
That, mixed with anxiety, is creating a perfect storm in my mind.
I haven’t expressed much of this to anyone except my sister mostly and my husband a little. I’m hoping by writing it down that I will have a better sense of myself and be able to relax a little more in my life without constantly feeling like I’m waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It’s a step, anyway. But I think I have a long way to go before I can say I’m free of my post pandemic anxiety.
In the meantime, I find respite in running. The summer months are my most peaceful escape in running because I go out pre-dawn to beat the heat. The world is still, quiet, and unoccupied at this time of the day. The birds are just rising, along with the sun. I do have days where the early morning traffic is heavier and annoying. But for the most part, this is the most peaceful time of day for me. No one can touch me. My phone is on do-not-disturb to keep notifications from coming through to remind me of the day ahead. It’s hard for me to get out the door because I’m not particularly a morning person and waking up is hard for me, especially if I haven’t slept well. But I am always happy I did it and my day feels a little bit better because of it.
I also escape in reading, writing and Firefly Lane on Netflix! These are mental escapes for me. I can delve into a world I’ve created or someone else has created and give my mind a break from my own worries.
I’m glad I have these outlets to help ease stress and anxiety. Hopefully one day I’ll begin to feel completely comfortable in my own life again.
