Confessions of a Grammar Nazi

I hate bad grammar.

No, wait, ‘hate’ isn’t a strong enough word. I loathe it, I despise it, it makes me want to cry a little when I see an apostrophe out of place — and god help anyone who shows me a piece of their writing if they can’t see the difference between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’. Now, I’m all for educating the masses — or, you know, telling them off until they get the picture — but it’s also nice when I meet a fellow Grammar Nazi. Yes, we are an isolated people, but a people nonetheless — when I meet someone else who feels compelled to point out spelling mistakes in flyers and newspaper articles, it’s like meeting a kindred spirit. How did I realise I was a Grammar Nazi? I’m not sure when, exactly, the moment was. But there are a few key attributes I can point out that help make up a Grammar Nazi…

1. Just because they’re said the same way, doesn’t mean they’re spelt the same way or mean the same thing.
   Okay? ‘Two’ doesn’t mean ‘to’ or ‘too’, but some people think it’s a one-size-fits-all kind of a gig. It’s not. It’s really, really not.
2. When people add extra apostrophe’s into word’s.
   IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. DOES IT?
   Also, it actually pained me to put those apostrophes in there — if you, too, felt a twinge in your side, a twitch in your eye, or maybe clenched your fists or held your breath in anger, you might also suffer the same Grammar Nazi affliction as I.
3. Reversely, when people forget
   Sometimes, yes, the apostrophe is needed — for a reason. You don’t stick it in, willy-nilly, you use it when it serves its God-given function: for possession, or to indicate missing letters. Is that so difficult?
4. Getting basic words wrong.
   Key examples being: ‘solider’ (meaning ‘soldier) and ‘rouge’ (meaning ‘rogue’). Because they’re similar, that handy squiggly red line doesn’t appear on Word — it doesn’t correct it so people assume it’s right. It’s not. Also, as a side note, spell checker is not a bible to live by — it gets things wrong sometimes, too.
5. Not using grammar in general.
   Basically, grammar was created for a reason. It was brought unto Earth, for we mere mortals, as a gift — a wonderful, wonderful gift… That lots of people don’t deign to understand and/or just can’t be bothered with.
   Apostrophes are beautiful, brackets are wonderful, colons and semi-colons are works of art… Hyphens, ellipses, full stops, commas… The possibilities are endless! And yet some people don’t get that even if you want to be lazy, you sometimes make absolutely no sense when you don’t put a comma in. It can make the difference between “let’s eat Nana” and “let’s eat, Nana”.
6. Capital-bloody-letters.
   Okay? OKAY? They, too, funnily enough, are not decorative. I mean, yeah they do look pretty swanky, but they also serve an actual purpose — gasp!
   Every time you forget to put a capital letter in, somewhere in the world a fairy dies.
7. People who don’t understand the concept of ellipses………………………………………
   You don’t just keep going with the dots, okay? In fact, when I used Word just now to use that criminal amount of full stops above, it groups them in threes. That’s an indicator if nothing else.
   When I see two dots, I want to cry. When I see, like, six, I do.

1. When you’re having an argument and the person/people you’re arguing with isn’t writing in legible English/using words that actually exist.
   I’m not a complete purist, okay? I text talk — when I’m on Facebook or Twitter, sometimes I find myself relaxing a bit on the grammar front. It’s not laziness, it’s understanding your audience. It’s being chill.
   However, there is a time and there is a place.
   When you’re having an argument (unless you’re the most peaceable person in the world, in which case, kudos to you, my friend) and you write things that don’t actually make sense and misspell the most basic of words I’m likely in one of two frames of mind:
   1) that you’ve handed me the win. If you can’t write, I’m going to assume I’ve won. Thanks.
   2) that I can’t even take you seriously — or that you aren’t taking the argument seriously — because you’re not actually making sense and speaking English.
2. People Who Decide To Capitalise Every Word. Because Doesn’t This Look Cute? (And Even Worse: LiKe ThIs).
   Not. Abuse. The Capital. Letters.
3. Finally, those who assume that because a person is a Grammar Nazi, they know everything to do with spelling and grammar ever, and never, ever make a mistake.
   We’re human, okay? Even if we hate mistakes — ones that are clearly not just idle mistakes — we forgive every once in a while.
   I make mistakes. I don’t know every word of the English language — and sometimes I struggle with spelling words. The difference is, I look it up and I learn it. I work it out and I make the effort to speak clearly and precisely and when people don’t, I want to give up. Just give up.

Being a Grammar Nazi isn’t easy. It isn’t easy being dubbed an ‘internet troll’ — I’m not. I care about good spelling and grammar because I hate reading things that don’t make sense. I don’t like that helpless feeling of not knowing what someone means… all because they don’t understand the use of an apostrophe. So sue me if I point out when a t-shirt company gets something wrong, when a newspaper makes a mistake, when an advert commits a fatal error — it’s impulsive. It’s like a twitch. I can’t control it. And you know what? I won’t control it.

Thanks to Heather Anne for this amazing blog piece. Heather can be found on Prose as @hevzzzz

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Originally published at blog.theprose.com on March 2, 2016.