The Art of The Insult
As a departure from the use of curse words for throwback Thursday, it might be fun to imagine another time and place; a simpler, more literate time — when people didn’t need to curse or use expletives to tell people exactly what they thought of them. One of the first casualties of the current corporate culture has been the general decline in the creative use of language; specifically, a decline in the creative use of language as applied to the insult.
If you are ‘going down the drain’ or ‘out the door’ (at work, at home or elsewhere) why not unleash your imagination — instead of just wagging your tongue and finger(s)? Feel free to use any of these — better still take a few minutes to invent your own. Most good insults can be adapted to circumstances of gender, past or present tense; in rare cases, supremely good insults can even anticipate future events….
Start simply:
1) I only hope my words are not too long for one whose attention span is so very short.
Wax poetic:
2) He never met a metaphor he didn’t misunderstand.
Use expressive imagery:
3) When opportunity knocked, he always climbed out the window or under the table.
Or:
4) Whole new vistas were opened up whenever he spoke — to reveal the vast expanse between his ears.
Or better still:
5) His intellect has cast a long shadow — eventually all of us were left completely in the dark.
Pace yourself:
6) His remarkable intelligence and spare wit were no doubt carefully preserved, somewhere other than in his words.
Or get straight to the point:
7) He is an incomparable thinker of small thoughts.
Be inclusive:
8) Only a very few men, far fewer women and a great many dogs can rival his marvelous stupidity.
An economy of words is almost always prized:
9) He is a man of few words and far fewer thoughts.
Learn to damn with feigned praise….
10) The most remarkable thing about him is, how –almost- completely unremarkable he is.
And:
11) His facility with languages is singular and elusive; literacy eludes him in any language.
Inversions can work both ways:
12) If not for avarice, obstinacy and ignorance, he’d have no personality at all.
[That’s not a misprint — 33 for that other number; I’m superstitious and sending a coded message to the Masons….]
33) Imagination, intelligence and wit are his only enemies; his own two great ass cheeks his sole defense; it is not surprising that he should bury his head between them.
Brevity may be the soul of wit — but good old smut is its bawdy:
14) His hands betray the calluses of his own promiscuous self-importance.
Puns are not the lowest form of humor — hourly wages are:
15) While others steel themselves for battle, he wets himself in anticipation.
And:
16) How could his two broad shoulders carry a head so slight and a mind so narrow?
Go medieval on his ass:
17) He is almost like oxygen — colorless and humorless — too bad he’s not odorless.
If you must be crude, at least be creative:
18) He spends half the day scratching his enormous ass, and the other half scrutinizing anything that falls out of it.
Be conciliatory — if possible:
19) I know he doesn’t think much of me — but considering he doesn’t think at all…. I applaud his effort.
And not, if not:
20) His wit is exceeded only by his girth.
Try a little poetry:
21) He has of course, I must admit, a most peculiar gift; that when a push came down to shove, he landed on his wit.
Or, maybe the practical approach:
22) Some people are beyond redemption; he should be recycled.
Or:
23) In matters of principle he is undisciplined; in matters of discipline, he is unprincipled.
Perhaps an algorithm:
24) He was never one to stand on ceremony; he was always much too _______to stand.
- a) lazy b) drunk c) old d) feeble e) fat f) cowardly g) –you get the idea….
(build your own — we’ll start you off)
25) His face is the envy of clowns everywhere.
Don’t wait until you are fired; practice in the break room or EDR:
26) Of course he deserved that promotion; he’s worked many long hours and overcome many obstacles — but he has finally learned to write his name — he even spells it correctly most of the time.
Remember it’s always a matter of emphasis:
27) He wastes half of his time on the west coast, and half of his time on the east coast.
And the element of surprise:
28) He’s failed several self-improvement courses, more than once.
Or pseudo-cryptic inversion:
29) He’s never let his Christian beliefs interfere with his uncharitable actions.
And:
30) The margin of error is always plus or minus him.
Be erudite:
31) There are 613 “bones’ in the human body; if we subtract the number of bones in the spine — we are left with — him.
But if you want it to sting, just say:
32) His Klout score is higher than mine.
Thanks to the awesome Kelly Knox for this brilliant peice. Kelly is on Twitter as @kwknox50 and on theprose.com as @kwknox — go follow him and interact. He rocks.
Originally published at blog.theprose.com on December 2, 2015.
