Your Quest for Happiness is Killing You

Why happiness shouldn’t to be your goal

I know what you’re thinking.

That little voice in your head probably just told you that I’m way off base and that we should all absolutely be pursuing happiness. I mean, how often do we hear people say “Do what makes you happy” or “Find your passion” if you want to be happy?

The question “How do I become happy” has six million views on the website Quora alone.

So what’s wrong with “Do what makes you happy” or “Find your passion”? Well, a lot of things actually, but let’s start with the obvious. What is it that makes you happy? A lot of us can’t even answer this seemingly simple question.

Running makes me happy, but it’s a very small segment of my life and I don’t think leaving my job to be a runner is going to get me where I want to be. Spending time with my family makes me happy, but again, probably isn’t going to pay the bills.

Let’s say my passion is website design. That could get me closer to the goal, I mean at least it’s something that can be developed into a skill that pays well. Whether it’ll make you happy in the long run, I doubt it.

Let’s dive into why.

What happiness isn’t

We know that happiness doesn’t come from money. Don’t get me wrong, money will solve your money problems. And this will certainly make you happier, to a point. But ask anyone who has suddenly come into a lot of money, and they’re likely to tell you it also caused a lot of new problems.

Money has a terrible habit of turning people into the worst version of themselves. Studies reflect similar findings. While the exact number differs, research shows that happiness levels increase with income to a certain level and then quickly plateau.

Many of us also have a spending problem, and our relationship with money can be fraught. Taking control of that relationship is hard. As I write this, the average American credit card holder maintains a credit card balance of just under 6000 dollars. At the risk of stating the obvious, that means they’ve spent everything they made and then some. Throw in paying 20% interest on this money, and it’s safe to say that if the average American could pay the balance off, they certainly would. Money will not fix a spending problem. So money isn’t making us much happier.

How about work? This is a tricky one. I love what I do and there are times it puts a smile on my face. It provides me and my family with a great life. But, and this is a big but. There are times when I don’t want to do it and I wish that I didn’t answer to anyone. Our relationship with work can be a complex one, and work (even work you enjoy) can be a struggle.

It irks me that performing my work takes time away from my family. Having worked for over 20 years, I can safely say that long-term, meaningful happiness does not come from work. I know, you might want to argue with me on this, but hear me out. If you find purpose in your work, you’re much closer to the answer of lasting happiness.

Now you’re probably saying “Happiness comes from family”. To that I’d say, you’re on the right path. I love my family. I find spending time with my wife and boys to be a source of fulfillment. With that said, any parent will tell you it’s a job that can have you pulling your hair out. If you even have any left. It’s enormously challenging at times and families can get on each other’s nerves. Parenting is a struggle. Parenting well is even more challenging. Time that once belonged to you no longer does. Writing this article happens for me in small blocks of time, often before 5 am when the house is quiet. So family and relationships are part of the answer.

Happiness is in travel…maybe

I once went on a vacation that involved spending two weeks on a tropical island. Not a single problem to fix, goal to accomplish, or even a meal to make. I had not a single thing I needed to accomplish during that time except work on my tan. Well, the happiness lasted about three days. After that, I counted down the days until it was time to get on the plane and return home.

How is that possible?

It’s because I was stripped entirely of purpose. I didn’t get to struggle with a single problem and then enjoy the feeling that came with having solved it. I didn’t help a single person. I contributed exactly zilch to society and my family during that time. I had become…useless. Don’t get me wrong, travel opens us up to novel experiences and learning. Novelty, adventure, and learning are a proven source of happiness. But laying around for days on end isn’t going to cut it.

So what can we do to become happier? I’m glad you asked.

What happiness actually is

Find a purpose. Have you ever read about people who work for 40 years, retire, and then pass away a short time later? There may not be enough research to support this, but I suspect it’s because work gave them purpose and identity. Once stripped of this, the mind and body decline. Purpose does not need to conform to any standard. Aside from raising a family, I love to learn, write, travel, and create. I wake up excited to do those things. It could be as simple as giving or helping another person.

We must accept necessary struggle. Life is full of it, and nothing will bring it to you faster than living a life in which comfort and ease are the focus. There are many days when I force myself outside in the cold for a run before the sun rises. Not because I love to run, I don’t. It’s because I have learned to love the process and feeling that comes from forcing my mind to do the things the body tells me it would prefer not to do.

I feel happy because I accomplished something challenging while most of the world was asleep. That brings me a feeling of happiness that lasts most of the day. Repeated over time, it brings happiness in the form of knowing I’m the kind of person who can set his mind to something difficult and see it through.

Avoid unnecessary struggle. In the United States, we have created a culture where most of us have an abundance. An abundance of free time, an abundance of food, and an abundance of convenience. We eat a lot and move very little. While this feels good in the short term, in the long term it causes us a plethora of medical issues and has for the first time in decades, reduced our lifespan. It has increased our suffering in our later years. This is an unnecessary struggle and it will slowly act as a drain that lets happiness leak away from your life. Nearly all of your long

Momento mori. Momento mori is a Latin phrase that means “remember death”. Its origins are thought to be from the ancient Romans who, after a victorious military battle, would have a servant remind the commanding general to “remember death”. The concept isn’t morbid, it’s a fact of life society that polite society chooses to avoid. You get a finite number of days in this world, as do your loved ones. I think of this often and instead of causing sadness, it brings me joy. The joy that I have this moment to think about my loved ones, to watch a sunset, or to play with my children. Remembering that I will die fills me with gratitude for the life that I have.

Victor Frankl (1905–1997) was a gifted psychologist. He also happened to be imprisoned in the Nazi concentration camps in Germany for three years. Amazingly, even with the threat of death always hanging over him (and at times, nearly certain), he found ways to experience periods of happiness during those years. Having read his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Frankl seems to have used the techniques we discussed here.

Happiness at its core, is merely a choice we make. It’s entirely in our minds as the events that occur in life are neither good nor bad. Events are neutral and it’s our reaction to them that makes them desirable or undesirable. Commuting to work and despising traffic can become a time to listen to a podcast or an audiobook. Going for a run in the cold is a chance to celebrate a small victory over your mind’s desire to stay on the couch. Failing at something becomes your chance to show your friends and family who you are when things go wrong. Happiness lives inside of us all but it’s entirely up to you to bring it out.

No one else can do that for you.