Gum Wallet: How To Be Loved Wherever You Go

The population of Austin Texas accepted me even though I’m not a hipster.

The ultimate conversation starter, the Gum Wallet!

Step 1: Put all the stuff in your current wallet into an empty pack of Trident Gum. There is no step two, just go about your business.

Strangers may be confused. Some may even be angry. A typical response might be:

A big thank you to Tyson’s Tacos for letting me use their table.

Hey, wait! That’s not a wallet Bro! That’s gum! You can’t pay with gum! You have to pay with money!


Lol wut? Iz that your wallet? Haha!

To which the sensible gum wallet owner need merely reply.

Well my dear. As a matter of fact, it is!

I re-purposed an object in such a way that it’s outward appearance belies it’s true nature! So can you!

The results are miraculous. People who initially dismissed you because you didn’t have any tattoos will suddenly treat you like a higher dimensional being who has appeared to them during a DMT trip. Hardened cashiers, who have had guns pointed in their faces will slap you on the back and greet you as a lost bother. I’ve had a waitress go from telling me about waiting on Ashton Kutcher, to berating me for trying to pay with gum, to acting as if I were a more handsome and athletic David Blaine, all in the space of three seconds.

So there you go. The Gum Wallet, a great conversation starter in an indifferent world. The people who say they hate “small-talk”, will suddenly become your best friends.

The secret is revealed. No need to read any further, the rest is speculation.

I started using Gum Wallets because I was born with a paleolithic hunter-gatherer mindset. I live pretty well, but like my homeless neighbors, I can’t help but see a trash-bag full of discarded doughnuts the way a Hadza tribesman sees a bee hive. I don’t fight the crows for it, but I fight the instinct to fight the crows for it. Stuffing my identification talismans into a durable cardboard container, was a reflexive response to the needs of a moment.

The legal issue is not whether the cookies are distinguishable bet whether the packages are distinguishable. Science can make anything taste like anything,

Modern man does not think like this. The people of this era live by following instructions. We drive, walk, socialize and conduct business according to rules written on the things used to perform the relevant tasks. By modern standards, it’s more “reasonable” to assume something’s nature is identical with it’s label, than with it’s smell, taste or appearance. I can see the benefits of this way of life, but it’s not the way I naturally think. It’s not ergonomic for my brain.

This brings we to why people find it so astonishing that my gum container contains cards. It violates their conception of the laws of nature to see me

  1. Using a disposable container as a reusable container, and
  2. Ignoring the sacred Trident branding which clearly labels the contents of the container as Gum.

I’ll set aside speculation about why Austin Hipsters, in stark contrast to all other hipsters, were so cold to me before I kept my credit cards in a gum packet. Instead, I’d like to speak for the hunter gather community in hopes of preserving the best of our fading way of life for the benefit of humanity.

OSHA will tell you not to do this. It’s not efficient, but there’s a certain awesomeness to it.

Being “paleo” isn’t about eating nuts, it’s about trusting your sense of smell over what you see in writing. Following instructions, and doing what you’re told is necessary to survive in the modern world. Just don’t forget that you have the option of trusting your own senses. Whenever you follow an instruction or trust a label you are making a choice. Take time to use the tiny resources of your mind against the vast Government-Industrial complex which dictates the content and purpose of all things. You might find the occasional moment of inspiration.



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Martial Arts, Law, Science, Philosophy文武双全, body hacking, dyslexia