MDMA and Grief: Values
One of the insights gained from the MDMA / Time Capsule experiment was the discovery that I was missing values or ignoring values. This article takes you through the values shifting that took place in the wake of the MDMA / Time Capsule experiment.
Governing Values
Here’s a sad fact: while most people could tell you the general financial mix of their investment portfolio, while most people could tell you how to connect to the Bluetooth stereo in their car, while most people could tell you how to disable the security system of their home, those same people could not tell you their governing values and how those values interplay with each other.
Original Version
The initial draft of governing values was written in my journal during an Outward Bound course in the Florida Everglades in January 1984. I still have that journal.
It was a simple exercise: list your values, as many as possible. No prompts. No lists to circle or check off words from. Just me and my thoughts.
After all the students finished the list, we were instructed to pick the top five and then the top one. We all knew this was coming because we did the same thing with lifetime goals just a few days before. What we didn’t expect were the instructions following this.
We were told to prioritize the rest of the list — using a forced choice scenario for each pair (or group) of values. I remember this example from the Instructor:
A person is trying to decide between honesty and family — which should go in the number 4 spot and which should go in the number 5 spot. Imagine a family member is hiding out in the basement of your house, and the authorities come to the door looking for them. You answer, and they ask you if the family member is there. Do you lie (family trumps honesty)? Or do you tell them they are in your basement (honesty trumps family)?
You are left with your ideal list — what you aspire to and want to align with.
Revision
My second draft of governing values was made a decade later — prompted by an overlay for Outlook made by Franklin Covey (yes, the merger between the Franklin Planner and Steven Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”).
I was prepared, having done the deep work a decade earlier while paddling around in the Florida Everglades. I grabbed my journal and started entering the values.
I thought entering my existing list of values would be quick and simple, but the Covey Outlook overlay prompted me to add a clarifying sentence to each value. This additional step, while challenging, was made much easier by my previous task of prioritizing the list: I had already thought through the nuances of each value to prioritize the list.
Building Alignment
Initially, my values acted like a guidepost, a lighthouse, a guard rail — keeping me focused on where I needed to focus my choices and actions so that I lived in alignment with my vision. Over the years, my values became increasingly integrated and aligned with my behavior. I didn’t have to think about my values. They were default.
This is the ultimate goal of this process.
Over time, life shifts. Situations change. People come and go. Our perspective, our wisdom, our soul ripens.
MDMA & the Time Capsule: a Wake-up Call
The sudden death of my husband of thirty-one years was one of those shifts. Whether because I was absorbed by feelings of grief, distracted by taking on previous responsibilities managed by two people, or preoccupied with figuring out my next step(s) in life, I ignored my values. I assumed they had weathered the storm of Brian’s death even though I myself was — and still am at times — engulfed in the hurricane of grief.
Opening the time capsules four months ago while under the influence of MDMA revealed that something was amiss with my values. Things have shifted since Brian died.
The two letters I wrote to my future self as part of these time capsules shook me to the core—in a good way. Because I was courageous and serious when I wrote them, they had a maximum impact on my perceptions of myself and my life situation.
I recognized confusion about some of the choices I made since Brian’s death, some four and a half years ago. The truth was that my confusion had its nexus in the perceptions of others I allowed to influence me through subtle gaslighting that I bought into for some reason. That confusion was made palpable when, with the emotional antibiotic of MDMA, I read the letters to the future I had written to myself when I opened the time capsules. I am grateful that I had the diligence and courage to take the opportunity to write those letters with depth and serious intent.
A Week of Knocking on the Sky and Listening to the Sound
As psychedelics proved to be a powerful tool in facilitating emotional resonance, inoculating against getting lost in dark emotions, and unlocking hidden insights, I decided to tap into them once again in this third re-working of my values. This time, during a week of Spring camping in the Adirondack Mountains of New York, I planned to combine presence in nature, journalling, and a mix of Peruvian magic mushrooms and penis envy mushrooms to help my values emerge and bud like the verdant spring leaves emerging from the seemingly dormant trees around me. My intention was clear and focused: open new doors of insight and break through barriers created by any rigid thinking I might be experiencing. The planned framework for the process was also clear: identify the value, write a clarifying sentence, and prioritize the value, comparing it to other values on the list.
The resulting revision was profound. I had significant insights and big shifts in my values list. I added six new values, taking my list from sixteen to twenty-two key values driving my life. I replaced my number one priority value with a previously unarticulated value.
This time, in addition to the assistance of psilocybe cubensis to help me cultivate insights into my values, I looked to others to inform and validate what emerged from the efforts.
When I was younger, the purpose of articulating values was so my developing self would have a framework to strive toward, a lighthouse to help me navigate decisions, and a shopping list to inform experiences to integrate into my life. Today, due to habit or skill or wisdom — I don’t know which — I live my life with a degree of self-awareness of choice that I didn’t have when I was younger (and dumber). Unlike the actions of my youth, my actions today can inform and validate my espoused values. I sought input from trusted people in my circle to give me feedback. Their insights on how they perceived my behaviors (Johari Window pane two/blind spot) helped me align my values with my actions.
Here are my resulting values:
Your Turn
I hope this post has inspired you to explore your values deeply. Too many people spend their entire existence ignorant of the core values that drive them. They focus on what the world around them tells them to value, and they build a career, a family, and a life on these values. Then they wonder why they aren’t fulfilled. They work to have a bank account to fund their retirement because of some advertisement of an older couple on a beach building a boat but find themselves drifting in a sea of ambivalence because they have not made enough deposits to the bank of their soul. On the surface, these driven people appear happy, but underneath, they feel regret for no decipherable reason.
Whether you get support from a psychedelic experience, input from others around you, or guidance from a coach, counselor, or therapist, invest the time to inform, articulate, and validate your values. Write them down. Prioritize them. Print them out and frame them on your wall where you can easily see them.
Do it today.
This article is part of a series exploring the impact of MDMA on grief:
➤ MDMA and Grief (Part 1)
➤ MDMA and Grief: Launch Day (Part 2)
➤ MDMA and Grief: Debrief with the Trip Sitter (Part 3)
➤ MDMA and Grief: Five Days Later (Part 4)
➤ MDMA and Grief: Three Months Later (Part 5)
