I wanted to die, but I survived

Fahim Chughtai
Nov 26, 2020 · 6 min read

Anxiety is a horrible ghost; take care of your mental health

We all read daily about the importance of mental health. But we do not take care of mental health. We are busy taking care of looks, physical appearance, and dressing. Meanwhile, we are surrounded by negative people. We are passing our time on social media where negative vibes are everywhere. We are overloaded by information. We are unable to decide what is essential and what is not.

We all have fears. Some are developed in childhood, and some are set in the teenage. We all have insecurities. We all have dreams. But we cannot keep our minds on the right track.

I want to share my story with you. It is not a masterpiece or a well-crafted article. It is just a composition of words. While I am writing this, I am gathering my thoughts. Past is very horrible. Still, I am afraid to look back on it.

You cannot say what was the exact piece of time when anxiety caught you. We only know when physical symptoms start. In many cases, people misjudge symptoms as I underestimated them.

My anxiety started to show its ugly face when stomach disturbance appeared. It was mysterious because I didn’t feel any pain in my stomach. It was gas in my stomach, from the stomach to my throat. I felt my food pipe was full of gas. After eating any food, this disturbance was started. It was painful to force my throat to take burps because gas was not going out naturally.

So it became a routine. After eating anything, I pass through this awkward and painful situation. This situation developed a phobia in me, phobia of eating anything، I was afraid to eat because after eating, I have to face the problem.

I went to a stomach specialist. He did the necessary tests, gave me medicine. But it didn’t work. I visited him weekly; he changed medicine every time, .but nothing did work. On the other side, I was in a painful condition. As I mentioned above, it usually happened at night, so my sleep was disturbed; I went to the hospital daily to inject a gastric injection. It was a joint injection. It gave me relief from disturbance, but it was unable to control gas. So the whole night was passing by, taking burps .black circles around my eyes were now visible. My health was destroying .everything was terrible. I awake the entire night, slept in the morning, and then kept sleeping till half day. I quit social circles. Because anxiety was still not diagnosed. The doctor said it is a stomach situation .he stopped me from taking some kinds of food.

I didn’t go outside. Days were passed, and I locked myself in a room. I was in continuous pain. When I thought the doctor could not detect the disease, I became hopeless. I thought death is better than this painful shit life. Before falling into this hell, I started my business related to pharmacy. one day, I decided to go out. I went out and began my work. After some days, I was feeling better. Days passed, and one day, after two months, it started again .it was more painful and disturbing this time.

During this situation, Coronavirus appeared in china. I remember the first time I studied Coronavirus in a blog news post. I took it easy. When it started to spread and reached Pakistan, .everyone was scared. Only two days before Eid-ul-Fitr, I felt temperature and went to the hospital.

Doctors mistreated me. They didn’t check my fever .they said temperature is a symptom of Coronavirus; you are a suspect, go home and quartine yourself. I don’t know what happened, but I felt pressure on my chest .my head was massive. I was hardly breathing. I went home. And I was in trauma for 3 or 4 days. I was afraid badly, checking my smell and test again and again. Due to fear, my body was getting hot like hell; the temperature was so high. My body was shrinking. I was unable to utter a single word from my mouth.

My stomach issue was still there; it increased. after four days, my temperature was gone. I was fine, but the stomach issue was still there .so, my family decided to visit a well-known stomach specialist in a nearby city. I went there. He checked my reports, and he said, you have anxiety .you stomach is delicate. Your gut is disturbed due to stress. He gave me anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicine.

But he didn’t tell me that these drugs have side effects. I started to take them. When doctors scared me by saying, you have Coronavirus, chest pain and muscle pain were started. I was not satisfied with The stomach specialist because he prescribed me psychiatry medicine while he was a stomach specialist. My mind was doubtful.

Due to lockdown, private clinics were closed. In hospitals, doctors were not checking. everyone was scared. after some days I went to a famous medical specialist, he said, just hypertension and nothing else. he laughed and asked,” are you married?” I said no, I am single .he said, then match; when you will get married, you will be fine.

I went to another stomach specialist; he said the same, said your stomach is delicate .you have anxiety. Then I thought, now it’s time to visit a psychiatrist. I went to a psychiatrist and told him everything. He saw medicine prescribed by a stomach specialist; he said the stomach specialist is not qualified to prescribe psychiatry medicine .he made some treatment changes,s and sent me home. But it was not the end and the beginning of betterment.

He didn’t motivate me; he just gave me medicine. If you are familiar with psychiatry or pharmacy, you probably would know psychiatry medicine has terrible side effects. But I was taking.

During this episode, I was alone .no one is there to understand me. This was me, laying on the bed and looking at my life with sad eyes. I want to say, and I could not explain to anyone what is happening inside my mind. My family was unfortunate, but they didn’t know how to deal with an anxious patient. They are not much educated. Even almost all my friends were unable to understand. They were saying you have just phobia. After a debate with them when they failed to understand me, I felt awful. I was thinking, my life was fair, everything was fine. Then whaThen happening to me.

I tried four times to commit suicide. Every time I failed. Then I thought, I can’t save myself from death. Death is a reality. I have to fight. I have to be successful. I cannot save myself from death by locking inside a dark room. If an end has to come, it can enter my room without my approval. It was my turning point. I took a bath, wear shoes, and went outside. I started a walk. I walked for 3 to 4 hours.

I talked to myself; one voice was I have to fight, and the second voice was, no, you are a patient of anxiety, and you are going to mad soon. I changed my routine. I changed many things in my life. Now I am not entirely recovered, but I am on the way to betterment. I am improving. I am getting counseling. Sometimes I take medicines too. But my inner voice is strong now .it’s healthy, and I can hear it .before two months, it was not strong .sometimes it whispered, but the tone of voice was like a defeated soldier’s voice.

Last words

Don’t be a prisoner of social media; it is a trade; it seems like heaven, but it is a hell. Give time and value to your loved ones in your real-life. They deserve your time, energy, and care. I was alone when I started the fight against anxiety. I didn’t have any friends, but you must have a friend in your life; it is essential for your mental catharsis. I don’t hide that I am on psychiatric medicines and have a real mental situation .dodododondon'tbe ashamed to accept it. I hope when I will ultimately recover, I will share with you. Lastly, it is not an article of a writer; it is just a patient's story, so pardon me for my mistakes.

Thanks for reading.

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Fahim Chughtai

Written by

Life Coach and psychologist. founder of psychology today .follow me for the development of your mental health and wellbeing.

psychology today

psychology today is a publication for daily help to people .we publish daily articles and send newsletters on psychological issues to subscribed people. you can also write for psychology today .

Fahim Chughtai

Written by

Life Coach and psychologist. founder of psychology today .follow me for the development of your mental health and wellbeing.

psychology today

psychology today is a publication for daily help to people .we publish daily articles and send newsletters on psychological issues to subscribed people. you can also write for psychology today .

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