When curiosity killed more than the cat: Poor questions and microaggressions
Think back to a time when you were intently curious about a fellow human being. Take a moment. Reflect and remind yourself of why. See if you can imagine how your curiosity came across. How do you think others see you when you’re curious?
Most of us think our curious self is seen positively. Read on and find out how that might not always be the case…
“This attribute, famed for felling felines, is coming back in fashion.”
You’ve likely clicked into this article because of your curiosity. Maybe because your curiosity is curious about curiosity? Maybe because ‘microaggression’ is a new term for you, and you’d like to know more? Or maybe this article was the most interesting pick of the lot. Either way, it demonstrates the prevalence of curiosity in your life; the degree to which it guides your actions. Some people are more curious than others. Some people want to become more curious. This attribute, famed for felling felines, is coming back in fashion.
Over the last few years, another term has grown in prominence. Microaggression. Sounds bad, huh? A microaggression is a subtle slight against someone, carried out unconsciously because of an individual’s identity. That identity might be race or gender, or it might be class or schooling. Where a case of racism (and all other isms) could be considered a slap round the face, microaggressions are little paper cuts. One instance is manageable. But over a period of time? Painful.
If your curiosity has held you this far, you must be wondering: what has curiosity got to so with microaggressions? To answer that, let’s look at some examples of microaggressions…
“Don’t you feel hot with the thing you’re wearing on your head?”
- example of microaggressions experienced by Muslim Americans
“Where are you from?” “Where were you born?”
- examples of microaggressions experienced by African Americans
“Oh, do you know your real mom?” “Yeah, I live with her.” “Well, no, you know what I mean.”
- example of microaggressions experienced by adopted adolescents
It was subtle racial slights like these that created the campaign #itooamharvard. If you’ve not come across this before, check out this video:
As you can see, many of these subtle slights (particularly microaggressions in the form of questions) could be considered botched attempts of curiosity. Professor Todd Kashdan (author of the wonderful book, ‘Curious?’) talks about curiosity as a peculiar adaptation of human beings. We are easily threatened, and respond to threats in various ways. However, we also need curiosity to discover what to feel threatened by. Without trying the poisonous red berries, we have no idea if they’re threatening.
Encountering diversity — and this means how people differ from one another in the most infinite sense — can land us right in the middle of the two responses of threatened and curious. It’s that awkward moment that could prompt microaggressions- and it’s a moment that some may be experiencing day after day. No wonder it takes a toll- with research linking it to alcohol abuse, among other things.
But we don’t want to curl away from these interactions, pursuing hermitage over openness. So how can we balance our curious interest against unintentional microaggressions? Here are three suggestions with which you can sate your curiosity:
1. Clarify the intent. Let them know you’re curious before you ask the question.
2. Share before asking. Self-disclosure builds trust- share a couple of your own stories before unleashing your curiosity.
3. Read the moment. Context is key when we consider micromessages. Consider the other person — where they’re coming from, how they’ll respond — as you shape your question.
About the author
Iain is a Business Psychologist working for Mind Gym. He is currently completing his part-time PhD on ageist behaviours at the University of Nottingham.
